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Step Daughter is horrible to her Dad

(6 Posts)
bacchanalwoman Thu 19-Oct-17 19:12:28

My step daughter who has to live with us through a lengthy court battle years ago which deemed her mom as emotionally harmful to her and her sister is increasingly vile to her dad. In recent years despite the order prohibiting contact my dh has allowed her to attend mom’s wedding, and visit. The younger step daughter has refused to see her mom - reasons are unclear but we suspect her mom disapproves of her interests ( typical 12 yr old music gymnastics cute boys makeup Instagram) we have encouraged both to have a relationship with mom. I am equally unhappy that younger dss won’t interact with her mom’s family. Anyway letting them see mom despite the order in place has backfired in that one has decided mom and her family are not to be communicated with and the other that mom and family are right about everything. Everything including that dad is not worthy of the title father he is not a good parent terrible human being etc which my step daughter has repeated to her dad in the most appalling venomous manner. I find her attitude to her dad distressing to say the least it swings from indifferent to just aggressive and rude. Recently after she had been at mom’s for two weeks she text claiming she was unwell and could not go to school. Dad had seen her symptoms at the weekend and we were worried, we understood that her mom had researched various natural remedies online to no avail. We do not have an issue with this save she would not take her to the doctor as she worsened. So we booked at gp appointment collected her, on the advice of the GP kept her herewith us. Dad and I cared for her intensely over the last four days, waiting on her hand and foot due to the pain she was in. Does she have a word of thanks or kindness or a pleasant word for her dad. Nope. What’s distressing is that she is great with me very warm loving and sweet but utterly vile to her dad. My heart breaks for him. It may be indeed better that she has her hearts desire and lives with her mom but the local authority are clear that she cannot live with her mom. We would dearly love to have her here but she has such a hatred for her Dad and constantly reminds us how much more virtuous mom is it’s wearing. I don’t want my dh to see that his daughter who he dotes on has affection for me and not him- it’s understandably hurtful. I don’t want to be angry with a child who has formed a view due to her belief in her mom’s view of her dad, me, and the entire western world. ( we are all agents of evil and such like). I have had enough and I feel terrible that I have had enough I do not want to live like this on flipping tiptoes dealing with her outbursts and lack of cooperation her abuse hurled at DH lecturing of my younger step daughter on the evils of crop tops. I miss the child I have such a great relationship with but who has turned into someone who is trying to live values such as the disregard of the feelings of others who to quote her mom ‘ mean nothing to us’ who thinks it’s ok to judge other women on their dress and their choice to wear make up, who can ask her dad for money or a lift or whatever in one breath and insist he is not a “father” in the next. If I feel like this how do my dh and younger dsd feel??? I want to hold her and tell her these years will pass and we will be happy together and equally I want her to just go to her mom and leave us in peace so we can be happy. Stressed.

SandyY2K Fri 20-Oct-17 11:13:31

Your post is difficult to read without paragraphs and somewhat confusing and hard to follow.

I gather your husband has gone against a court order and allowed visitation with their mom. Why?

As she is nice to you, could you speak to her about it?

bacchanalwoman Fri 20-Oct-17 13:55:54

It’s ok it was a stressed rant. I dearly needed to vent somewhere. Thanks for trying.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 20-Oct-17 14:11:43

Is she a teenager?

I ask because it is quite normal for some teenagers to rebel even if they live with both their parents.

It is also fairly common for a teenager whose parents are divorced or who live separately to suddenly turn against the parent they live with and the non-resident parent who in a number of cases hasn't been such a great parent in the past to suddenly be the "golden" parent.

She is probably anti-Dad at the moment because he is the resident parent who sets rules, makes her go to school, makes sure she has done her homework whereas Mum is the Disney parent in this case, all fun, trying to be her friend rather than her parent and so on.

If that puts it a bit more in perspective I hope it helps. Just carry on as you were and I suspect she'll outgrow it.

bacchanalwoman Fri 20-Oct-17 14:35:24

Yes just 13. Thanks I suppose it’s a shock to the system because we are so accepting -so what is there to rebel against? Our rules are pretty simple: good manners and consideration for others and doing your best in all your endeavours -school, sport whatever you choose, but do your best. Pretty easy. Mom has religious rules, diet rules, people you are allowed to associate with rules. I guess she’s rebelling against our liberalism? You may indeed be right- apparently mom says we are far too permitting, irresponsible, too open minded etc etc I guess we expected rebellion against restrictions not liberalism. She even fights us when we insist she is polite to people she and mom “disapprove of”. We think school is important - mom does not, so it’s a rebellion when she has to do homework which they deem “pointless”. My in laws the local authority and my family have advised exactly as you have- continue as we are. Can’t say it’s easy though! Hence the above meltdown...

Allthebestnamesareused Sat 21-Oct-17 13:21:09

It is hard but grit your teeth. I am probably the more liberal parent to our joint son, would allow a later curfew than dad might impose, allow friends round but somehow I am usually the bad guy getting the stomp and Kevin the teenager huffs and puffs for perhaps saying "when is your chemistry due in!"

I usually carry on with what I am doing and say as calmly as I can "you can keep on huffing and puffing all you want but I'll remember the next time you want to go to ..." He calms down (eventually)>

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