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Partner wants to adopt my child how do we go about it

(19 Posts)
Thinkcalmthoughts Thu 19-Oct-17 14:39:43

I'll explain beat I can and hope I've put this in the right section

My daughter is 13 and has no contact what so ever with her real dad he has made no attempt to make contact either I've basically brung her up on my own with help from family and friends. My partner treats her as if she is his but has said he would eventually like to adopt her so that she is his but how do we go about this or is there any other way. She does see him as a dad too

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Thu 19-Oct-17 14:43:04

Is the actual father on her birth certificate?

NoCryLilSoftSoft Thu 19-Oct-17 14:44:05

I would wait until after you are married before going down the adoption route.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Thu 19-Oct-17 14:44:41

How long have you been together?

Thinkcalmthoughts Thu 19-Oct-17 14:58:18

Yes dad is on the birth certificate and will be 2 years we've been together. Just came up in convo the other night that eventually he would like to but will it be easy if we and once we are married

Auspiciouspanda Thu 19-Oct-17 15:05:14

You would need permission from the child's bio dad. If not you'll have to go to court and see if a judge will take pr from the child's bio and give it to your partner.

Belleoftheball8 Thu 19-Oct-17 15:06:13

You haven’t been together very long for your dp to be adopting her I would wait longer and especially when your married

Evergreen777 Thu 19-Oct-17 15:06:34

I think it is easier once you're married. You'd still need permission from her biological dad though, or to prove that you'd tried to contact him but couldn't trace him.

A compromise option would be for your DH to get parental responsibility for her, which he could have without removing any rights from her father. Would give him a better claim to keep her if anything should happen to you, and certain rights to take her to the GP, sign paperwork, etc.

editingfairy Thu 19-Oct-17 15:08:13

Don't rush in to anything. Why not look on your local council website and see what iot says about PR/adopting?

You haven't been together long. I'd probably marry first then thikn about adoption. Some councils won't approve adoptions unless the couple are married.

Thinkcalmthoughts Thu 19-Oct-17 15:14:56

Was just talking about it so that we know what to expect when we decide to get married etc

NoCryLilSoftSoft Thu 19-Oct-17 15:16:34

2 years is far too early to be having this discussion. TBH at 13 she is too close to adulthood for adoption to really be on the cards with a man she has only known less than 24 months.

LoverOfCake Thu 19-Oct-17 18:14:28

I would slow right down and do nothing. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but this has red flags all over it IMO.

Firstly, in order for your partner to either be able to adopt or have parental responsibility her father would need to give permission. So that's the practical side.

Secondly, you've only been together for two years, so since she was eleven and she sees him as a dad? Really? How has that come about then? Because while I imagine that there are many preteens who would see an incoming partner as a mother/father figure, one saying she sees a partner who hasn't been in her life for the majority of it as a dad would make me wonder A, how that idea has come about, or B, whether this idea has been more or less hoped for by the parent and the incoming partner.

And the reality is that he's not her dad and has hardly been in her life any time at all. And as she's about to hit teenager status it won't be long before she's throwing "you're not my dad!" At him in the heat of an argument. Even if her dad isn't in the picture, a man can't expect to be seen as a dad to an eleven/thirteen year old if he's never been in their life before. Yes a father-figure who is involved in her life, my partner is very much involved in my DC's lives and has taken on a lot of responsibilities of his own accord when I've been able to due to situations like illness, but he could never be a dad to them because he's not been there in the formative years iyswim.

And lastly, if you allow this man to adopt your child after only two years and you split, he will have equal responsibility over the child you have brought up on your own, and could even challenge you for access, etc.

Added to which she's too old realistically to be adopted by him. It's only going to be five years until she's an adult anyway, so what's the reasoning behind him wanting to adopt her?

SandyY2K Fri 20-Oct-17 17:38:33

She's 13 now. Another couple of years before you marry.... adopting a 15 year old isn't something I'd see as necessary.

BertieBotts Fri 20-Oct-17 17:51:50

We looked into this but found it was more complicated than you'd think.

The UK system isn't really set up for the more romantic, symbolic idea of step parent adoption. They quite encourage against it actually. Marrying offers some legal recognition of the relationship, and applying for a parental responsibility order can add the rest in if that's what you want. Adoption involves legally cutting out the birth father and all of his biological family, which is seen as a very drastic step.

It definitely took me aback a bit at first - and it's really made our situation complicated as we have an international element! But now I understand the reasons for it, I'm glad and it makes sense. Adoption is a serious thing, it isn't just a nice ceremony to have to symbolise being a happy family. It made us think about the real reasons/what we really wanted/needed to gain from the idea we had of adoption, and what we realised is that while we'd love for DH to be recognised as DS's dad, we don't actually need the paperwork to tell us that, and his bio dad is part of his life story even though he doesn't have a relationship with him. What we wanted was the security that if anything happened to me, DS would be able to stay living with DH. And to be able to change his name, which he wants.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sat 21-Oct-17 09:54:56

Way too soon, he's just your boyfriend at the moment and has made no commitment to you.

She shouldn't be seeing him as her dad after so little time and it was wrong to encourage that. A good relationship between them yes but he's not her dad and could walk at any point.

swingofthings Sat 21-Oct-17 10:39:46

No chance a judge would grant this at this point. For one her father is on the birth certificate which gives him some right whether this is right morally or not. He would urge to agree to it and that's a big step in law.

Then there is the issue that this man has been much too soon into your and your DD life. Most committed relationships are a dream come true after 2 years. Give it another 2 or 5 and that's another matter.

If this man is in it for the long run and fully committed to become a father to your DD then he can do so without his name on a piece of paper.

SurroundedByIdiots Sat 21-Oct-17 10:53:59

Why on earth would he want to adopt her? confused

He's not her father, he's your boyfriend. She can think of him as her step-father, refer to him as her step-father, you can even get married so that he is legally her step-father, but why are you encouraging her to think of him as her father? A man being nice to her for two years from the age of 11 does not mean that he's suddenly her dad, FFS. hmm

AtSea1979 Sat 21-Oct-17 11:03:23

You've brought her up on your own with help from family and friends yet some guy who's barely been in her life for 2 years and presumably didn't even meet her for 6 months or so is like a dad. That's weird and creepy. I'd be very concerned why my boyfriend has such an interest in my teenage daughter. I'd be fuming if my boyfriend undermined my 13 years of parenting and all the hard work and stress that entails to spending a few months in my home being like a parent.

lovecheeseandbiscuits Sat 21-Oct-17 11:34:19

Not a good idea, really! What is the point? And as already stated, unlikely to happen. Why would you want to give your bf rights to have access to your child in the event that you split up?! I really don't think you understand what potentially your could be getting into.

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