(82 Posts)
FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 20:49:06

I have 2 stepsons, 7 and 9. The oldest has just recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, alongside being Adhd and Spd (which we found out sunday- he's got medication to help him but this mum refuses to let him take it)

We have them every other weekend Friday to Sunday. This past weekend has been horrendous ending with their mum screaming at me and TH for 90 mins when we dropped them home.

Me and DH have been together for 5.5 years,married for 3 months and I'm currently pregnant with our first together (after 3.5 years of fertility struggles)

Saturday, the oldest poked me in the breast in the middle of a packed pub (we were collecting after They had a family party-mums side- to go to) Being pregnant my breasts are extremely painful. So it not only shocked me that he did that but that it really hurt.
I told him it was naughty and he shouldn't be poking my breast.
According to his mum, I embarrassed him and I shouldn't have said it was naughty and that I sexualized the word by using breast as she uses boob. (She doesn't like the word naughty because poking/touching another woman's breast isn't naughty it's only innapropriate)

She then went on a rant about how Dh should be paying her double a month in maintenance payments (we worked out a few months ago that he was slightly overpaying, but he's just had a pay rise and so he's now paying £10 under) and that my wage should be factored in as we're married.
Her payment is due to go down in March when I give birth so we're keeping it at the current payment. And we will help contribute to buying new school uniform before the start of the next school year.

She also has 2 other children with someone that lives with her. She has told us that he doesn't work and he pays nothing towards his 2 children. He helps around the house and with the kids but offers no financial support to her. I feel like she's using us to finance her other 2 children.

I love these boys and I do lot for them. They aren't my biological children they are my husbands.
We both work full time. And those weekends that we have the boys we always try to do something fun together- whether that's a day out or a few hours at the park.

We've been told that every other weekend is not good enough and that we need to have them for evenings in the week (Dh work shifts. He gets 2 days off a week. The weekend we have the kids are his 2 days off so them he won't get a day off for at least 5 days following that weekend and his shifts are mainly 4.30 till midnight. The kids finish school at 3.15 and he has to leave for work around 3.55 to be at work on time. So those days are pretty much out of the equation. We've decided to try and set aside an hour on one of his evenings off a month following the weekend with the boys for us to take them to the park. But we would also like to spend time together being a newly wed couple. I sometimes don't see my husband for days (unless you count his crawling into bed at gone midnight)

Just feeling a little lost and not sure what else me and DH can do. We've asked their mum for a list of the boundaries she's set so that we can try to follow them so the boys have got the same boundaries at both houses (She likes to give them alot of sweets which is something that we don't agree with and won't allow in our home)

OP’s posts: |
bottlesandcans Tue 17-Oct-17 20:51:50


Emeralda Tue 17-Oct-17 21:04:47

This past weekend has been horrendous ending with their mum screaming at me and TH for 90 mins when we dropped them home.

You should not be putting up with that. If that's the way she behaves, your DH needs to manage all communication with her and not involve you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. For your own sake, distance yourself from her - not the DSC, her.

She will not change, so implement some changes for yourself. DH to manage any communication and not share anything with you beyond basics like they will be here at x time. DH to pickups and dropoffs, preferably at neutral venues. DH to deal with any school, behaviour, maintenance or health issues entirely on his own, as he would have to if you weren't there.

I know you'd like things to be different but they're not, so protect your own health and sanity by taking a massive step back. Enjoy the moments you can with the DSC but stay out of the big picture stuff.

Good luck

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 21:15:52

I don't think it helps that DH can't get the Friday evenings that we pick them up off all the time as there isn't a court order in place so his boss only allows him the Saturday and Sunday off. So pretty much every Friday that we have them, I have to pick them up. I try to wait outside but their mum never seems to have them ready for our 6pm collection time.
DH has the Friday evening off next time we pick them up but unfortunately due to staff shortages he has to work both the Saturday and Sunday evenings so it will be down to me to drop them home.
DH did tell her that if she continues then I would be within my right to refuse to pick them up on his behalf and if that was the case then he wouldn't be able to pick them up until the Saturday morning.

It's really sad. We have no communication from her between the weekends unless she's asking for money or weekend swaps which DH is unable to do as it completely messes up his regular weekends off with them. Recently she asked for a weekend swap as she needed their beds for someone else to stay at her house. Which again she had a go at us about on Sunday. We do what we can with the work hours we've got. Just seems like it's not good enough for her because she's struggling to cope with 4 children.

OP’s posts: |
beingsunny Tue 17-Oct-17 21:20:09

It sounds like she is not coping with four children as a single parent, can’t you as a family help more and have your SS more during the week?

beingsunny Tue 17-Oct-17 21:21:50

It also sounds as though he needs to find a new job that will fit better with his family, it’s terrible that he isn’t able to put his children first.

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 21:26:32

We both work fulltime. I work Monday to Friday 8.30-5.30, not getting home until nearly 7pm. DH works shifts. On the odd occasion he will get a morning shift but the majority of his shifts are either 2pm-11pm or 4.30pm-midnight. He has to leave for work at 3.55pm at the latest to make it to work on time.
When we have the boys, his 2 days off for that week are the Saturday and Sunday. The following week (his work week starts on a friday) could be any day after the friday. We are trying to work out when we will be able to have the boys on one of the evenings of his day off, even if just for an hour.
But we also need time together as a newly wed pregnant couple.
We find out the sex of our baby this Friday so we're hoping she will let us have the kids for an hour after their dinner so that we can tell them and take them to the park.

We are trying. She just makes it very hard.

OP’s posts: |


Zampa Tue 17-Oct-17 21:29:49

Beingsunny I don't think your comments are helpful or realistic. It may not be as simple as getting another job and OP has explained why they can't easily have additional contact.

OP DP has scheduled most of his swap over times to be before and after school (Friday pm to Monday am). Is that possible for you? It will help avoid conflict.

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 21:30:28

We've looked into him getting another job. And we still continue to look but he's got a really good position in the company he is with and is on more than the minimim wage.
If he gets another job, He will be on minimum wage and then her maintenance payments would lower and then she would be asking for more money than what we've got.
Neither me or DH are entitled to any benefits and we have no luxuries like holidays abroad (we can't even afford passports) we don't even have holidays away from home. We literally live pay check to pay check as it is. A drop in money would leave us in debt.

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HelloSquirrels Tue 17-Oct-17 21:31:24

sounds like she is not coping with four children as a single parent, can’t you as a family help more and have your SS more during the week

Shes not a single parent and op has extensively covered the reasons they can't have the children more.

I don't know what to suggest op except make sure maintenance payments are at least reccomended amounts, keep turning up for contact even if shes late & do not engage with her. Let your dh deal with it.

You and dh shoild discipline as you see fit. Its not unusual for children to have seperate rules in seperate houses.

Uvegot2bkidding Tue 17-Oct-17 21:31:30

Beingsunny, according to the op the ex has a partner that lives with her and the four kids. She's not a single parent :
She also has 2 other children with someone that lives with her. She has told us that he doesn't work and he pays nothing towards his 2 children. He helps around the house and with the kids but offers no financial support to her. I feel like she's using us to finance her other 2 children.
Sounds to me that op and husband are doing as much as they can. It's not easy just to " get a new job"

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 21:36:23

He's asked his boss if he can work the morning shift on the Friday that we have them. His boss tries to do that once every couple of months (we lost DH's mum last year and he accommodated for 4 months but then there was conflict with the other staff members about things not being fair, which I totally understand.)
I'll get him to speak to his boss and see what he says. I don't think he will be happy (we already tell a few porky pies to his boss on the weekends we have the boys so that DH doesn't have to go into work on the Saturday morning for meetings- some we get away with but some we don't as DH is a supervisor and is supposed to attend as it's in his contract) halo

OP’s posts: |
Emeralda Tue 17-Oct-17 21:55:52

Could DH put in a Flexible Working Request?

I hear you putting a lot of time and effort into sorting this out but it's actually for DH to sort out, not you.

Has he suggested mediation?

beingsunny Tue 17-Oct-17 22:01:03

Sorry, I mis read the OP, and that her partner does live with her.

It does still sound as though your husband is not prioritising his kids, four days a month is really not much. If every other week he is starting his week on a Friday does that mean he gets Wednesday and Thursday off? If he does he should be collecting the children and having them overnight for those two days.

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 22:06:34

His weekends off with the boys are his boss being flexible to enable him to have his children every other weekend. It was set up between T
Dh and their mum when the boys started school. Spending time with them was easier when they were little and in nursery.
I'm going to ask him to speak to boss and see if there's anything that can be done in regards to the Friday evenings that we have them. Other than that all we can do is contact her on his days off to find out if we can have them for an hour or so after their dinner, that evening to take away some of the burden for her.
Unfortunately in the business he works in, he can't just work 9-5 (trust me, I would love it if he could as I barely see him myself lol)

OP’s posts: |
justtiredofcoping Tue 17-Oct-17 22:13:14

OP - you do not get days off when you have kids and your DP does 4 days per month with a child on the spectrum.

Mum is doing serious hard time with a father who is not pulling his weight and is about to drop his maintenance - yeah bet she is happy. She is not making it hard - she is living it hard. What goes on in her house is not your business.

You get 26/27 days per month to be a married pregnant couple.

Afraid your DP is not a shining example of fatherhood - i feel sorry for his children

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 22:18:01

His work week this week starting with the Friday we have the boys looks like the following...
Friday (1st day of new week) 4.30 till 2am
Saturday is off. Sunday is off.
Monday he worked away (left for work at 9am and didn't get home until 10.30pm)
Tuesday (today) 4.30pm until 12.30am.
Wednesday is 9-5 (but it's delivery day and he can't leave until the delivery is put away so more 6pm).
Thursday is 4.30-12.30am.
Friday is 9-5 (we're hoping to have them for an hour Friday evening).
Saturday is 4.30-2.30am (the children have a play date with friends from school.
Sunday is 9-5.
Monday is 4.30pm- 5pm.
Tuesday is his day off. But we've already been told the oldest has a friend going for dinner.
Wednesday he's working away again.
Thursday is his day off. We will try to see if we can have them in the evening for an hour or so.
Friday(weekend were due to have them) 9-5.
Saturday and Sunday- 4.30 till 2.30am as they are short staffed and need him to work.
He can not afford to lose his job because he refuses to work when they are short staffed. We are trying.

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FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 22:21:02

We are not dropping her maintence. We can but we arent.
Maybe he should just give up work and be there for his kids.
He'd be entitled to the bare minimum in terms of benefits and she wouldn't get the amount of money she receives from him.

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beingsunny Tue 17-Oct-17 22:24:36

Why only an hour or so of an evening?
Surely having them overnight, having dinner together and dropping them at school the next day would be more quality time?

HelloSquirrels Tue 17-Oct-17 22:25:25

How is sleeping over quality time? Theyll be asleep?

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 22:26:07

We have only just found out this past weekend that he is on the spectrum. We've asked her what help she is receiving. She won't tell us. She told us that he has been prescribed medication but she refuses to give it to him we've asked if we can give it to him on our weekends with him and we got shut down- in fact she empties the bottle of tablets down the sink.

Apparently he was diagnosed a couple of months ago but she's only just chosen to tell us.

She doesn't work. Neither does her partner. We have to work. If he drops his work hours to be able to have the children for more than those 4 nighta a month then we will lose our home and be unable to pay our bills.

OP’s posts: |
FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 22:27:46

They start school at 8.50am. DH has to start work at 9am. He leaves at 8.15am to get to work on time. So there's no possible way of him being able to drop them to school.

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Ilovetolurk Tue 17-Oct-17 22:27:47

Your problem is your DH's job. That working pattern is completely incompatible with his fatherhood commitments

FlutterbyRach Tue 17-Oct-17 22:29:11

Why only an hour? Because their mum has told us that if we have them of an evening that she wants them home before 7pm as that is their set routine bedtime.

OP’s posts: |
HelloSquirrels Tue 17-Oct-17 22:31:10

What would you suggest he do ilovetolurk quit his job?

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