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Christmas- what is the best course of action.

(15 Posts)
36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 09:11:28

I have one SS, who lives with his mum. Comes to me and DH's EOW as a bare min and what ever extra works for all parties. We all have a good relationship, but it hasn't always been this way. SS' s mum is going through a particularly tough time with her work and parents. So we are trying to be as supportive as possible. The discussion of Christmas has come up and previously we have left it up to SS and his mum to decide - what they want to do and we pick up the balance so to speak (he comes to us Boxing Day, spends Christmas Eve with us but goes home to Mum early evening) However with all she is going through DH and I have pondered offering to host her and SS. We've done this once before and it was a nightmare - but that was 5 years ago. WWYD ? Who has good experiences of this ?

heidiwine Mon 16-Oct-17 09:14:46

Wow. Do it. It is such a kind and considerate thing to do. You get on so there is no danger of drama and you are creating a true family memory. Good for you.
We offered this one year and our invitation was declined but I really wish all the adults had found a way to make it work for the children who have many adults in their lives that love them and Christmas is the time to celebrate that!

36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 09:27:25

Yes the logical part of my head says this, my SS sometimes finds it difficult to blend. He likes to keep his life with his mum and his life with us seperate. He is wise beyond his years and tries to keep everyone happy. I worry he would agree, but then find it all a bit much .....

Bibidy Mon 16-Oct-17 11:21:43

I wouldn't do this. I think it's a nice thought in theory but in reality will probably just result in everybody being stressed, particularly DSS and his mum.

You're already very accommodating in letting her decide Christmas plans every year, I think that's enough to be supportive.

36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 11:26:59

It's really hard. The last thing I want is everyone to be stressed. But my DH has only been with his son twice in 10 years on Christmas Day and I find that hard for him .

Bibidy Mon 16-Oct-17 11:45:31

It's really hard. The last thing I want is everyone to be stressed. But my DH has only been with his son twice in 10 years on Christmas Day and I find that hard for him .

I agree, it must be very hard for him and I don't think it's really fair. Ideally Christmases should be alternated, but if mum gets the choice every year of course she will choose to have your SS on Christmas Day. Perhaps you could suggest starting a new arrangement from next year? Either alternate Christmases or a split day if SS lives close enough.

Your original idea might be a good one if you all get along well, but I just can't imagine anything more awkward than having my OH's ex and kids together at my house on Christmas Day. It's already a stressful time of year, add in awkwardness, jealousy and loyalty binds and to me it seems like a recipe for disaster!

Wdigin2this Mon 16-Oct-17 11:49:54

Well, it would certainly vibe a kind gesture, but if it was hell last time, SS's mum may not want to do it....I know I wouldn't!

36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 11:50:37

Lol it was't hell for her ... it was hell for me !

wobblywonderwoman Mon 16-Oct-17 11:56:07

That is such a nice offer. But unfair (on you and dh- he has not had him much over ten years- she hasn't offered to host for you)

Maybe I am getting mean in my old age.

36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 12:00:20

We've never had him just us in 10 years, once we hosted them. The other my DH went out for dinner with them - I had to be overseas unexpectedly. I'd love to do a big magically Christmas, hence the invite but doubt SS would come without his mum.

Frisbeefreedom Mon 16-Oct-17 12:13:01

Could you have a trial run - all go out for lunch or something? Just thinking back to being the child, I would have been equally torn between being happy that I was with everyone and being terrified that it could all go wrong! Then you could have a conversation with SS about it after the lunch to see how he feels? Or you could offer a compromise - he stays with you but his mum is invited for lunch? Or have a big Christmas with other family invited (DH's DPs?) to dilute all the relationships a bit?

Overall it's a lovely idea. Make sure you have a nice time too as it sounds like it'll be stressful for you no matter what - maybe go out for a luxury Boxing Day dinner just you and DH?

36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 12:20:16

He has a birthday coming up, so we might try something then. DP and I don't have family in this country so can't dilute - but excellent idea. Friends have offered to host us tho, if we don't host ourselves. SS's mum has broken up with her DP this year and recently had a huge (physical) fight with her family which SS witnessed so if she's not with us she's alone ... hence us wanting to show a united front.

Bibidy Mon 16-Oct-17 13:36:15

OP, reading your last post I might be cynical but I'd be really wary of making yourselves the only people she has to rely on. You don't want to get into a situation where she leans on you and your DP rather than rebuilding her own life for herself.

You can be supportive without sacrificing your own happiness and enjoyment of Christmas.

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 16-Oct-17 16:35:18

OP - you sound so considerate. The suggestion she might start to lean on you is crazy. Christmas is a family time and for this lady, family is currently not happening for her. You are amazing for seeing the bigger picture and wanting to support her. If it were me, I would turn you down as I don't think I could bear it but I would be pleased to be asked and maybe that's enough. I hope it works out for all of you.

36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 22:31:23

No need to make any decisions yet thankfully, think I'll just let the next few months play out and see where the land lies then.

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