Stepchild at wedding?

[Aeriefairy]

Dp and i trying to decide when to get married, somewhere we both love is only available one weekend when we want to tie the knot and is so perfect but it’s a weekend when dp doesn’t have dss!
We could ask his ex to swap weekends but don’t want to tell her why...for obvious reasons. Not sure she’d agree.
Our wedding won’t have any other children there, at all, he’ll be bored and showing off to get attention (I love him to bits but he is a very big show off! We certainly don’t raise him to be that way!) Its not going to be a big wedding and we want to go on our honeymoon straight after (will be our first ever holiday together as a couple!), which also means we have to have wedding during term time so dss doesn’t miss out on half term time with his dad. Problem is if we get married during contact weekend so dss attends, dss doesn’t attend evening do as he will need to go to bed - so he misses out on time with dad, there’s also no one else who can look after him and then we go on honeymoon so he doesn’t really get to enjoy contact. In a perfect world we’d ask dss mum if she would mind dropping dss off for the wedding and collecting later on so dss gets to be part of the day but I can’t see that happening!
I’m also aware dss might have conflicting emotions about us getting married. Dss and I have a great relationship but obviously all kids would love mum and dad to be back together and one parent remarrying kind of destroys any dreams like that.
Is it really so bad to have the small quiet non-complicated non-stress wedding and not have dss there and just get on with it or am I a terrible person for even entertaining the idea! Help!!

[DancingLedge]

So you're wondering about having DSS at wedding, but not telling his mum? Leaving him to tell her? ??
Surely better and fairer to tell her yourselves.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I don’t think you’re a terrible person but can you not just ask the mum and see what she says? My dss grandparents came to our wedding to bring him and to have him afterwards when we went on HM. He was a big part of the day (groomsman, top table etc) and I think it would have been just odd any other way.

He will ask when he’s older why he wasn’t there and it could set a bad tone as he will feel left out and potentially unimportant.

[DancingLedge]

Oh no, silly me, you're going to not involve him.

[stitchglitched]

Maybe ask your partner what is more important- the venue or his child being at his wedding. Can't believe him not attending is even a consideration.

[lunar1]

I never forgave my dad for not inviting me to his wedding.

You need to let some thing go to ensure you include him. Do you really have to go directly to your honeymoon? You seem to be creating a lot of obstacles to him being there.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Surely normal service is suspended for a parent's wedding!! What age is DSS? Why would it be a problem for him to show off? (He is a kid, they get excited) could none of DPs family look after DSS the next day? Why will DSS need to go to bed during the reception? It's a special occasion, he can stay up! Why do you need to go on honeymoon straight away? Your partner is a parent, he has to plan around his child.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Fwiw I hate my ex and I still went and collected DC from his wedding reception at 11pm.

[Rhynswynd]

I am 38. My dad got engaged to a woman and had a huge party and we were not told until we saw the commemorative gift on their shelf some weeks later. I was about 12
He later married that woman when I was 18. I was initially asked to be bridesmaid but had that offer rescinded because of some ridiculous incident that she lost her shit over.
More than 20 years later and my dad is now married to a wonderful woman, I still get very upset over those instances of being excluded from major family affairs.

You would be incredibly unreasonable (awful, horrible, unforgivable) to get married to this man with out his child knowing.

[Aeriefairy]

Woah - don’t need to criticise me, I’m trying to get some advice - not a dressing down. My dp’s ex is hostile, aggressive and we can’t tell her we’re getting married. If she knew when we got married she’d make sure dss didnt attend in any case. Not as simple and straightforward as you all seem to think!
If it was our child, he/she would spend time at my mum and dads while we went away. Not a problem. So we plan to go to our honeymoon and have the wedding in term time so that dss’ holiday time with dad isn’t affected - what’s wrong with that?? I don’t see why our honeymoon should impact on dss holidays.
We wouldn’t want dss up too late on the Saturday as he goes back on Sunday afternoon and don’t want him being tired and cranky for his mother.

[imokit]

And DP should be letting his ex know about the plans because DSS will have complicated emotions about the wedding and depending on his age will need to talk about what's going on with his mum/will have behaviour changes.
Life events need warning of the parent.
Even my dad (a stoic uncommunicator) gave my mum the heads up before he told me he was having another kid.
You may want a secret wedding, but thats not whats best for the kid or dp (as it could potentially screw up his relationship with the kid). Surely DP will have family at the wedding who will gush over DSS and can give him special extended family time?

[Aeriefairy]

What I want is advice from other step-parents / parents with partners who are step parents and how they negotiated a wedding day and a child under 10 who has contact. Whether that was to have a simple wedding and celebrating with the child in a different way after, or how a child was involved in the wedding on the day.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

If your DP only has his DS on weekends then surely you can get married on the Saturday, leave DSS home on the Sunday and go on honeymoon from there! It wouldn't involve DSS missing any holiday time with his dad

Does DP have no family who could take DSS up to a hotel room when he get some tired?

[Aeriefairy]

I don’t think I’m getting it across clearly enough - telling the ex we are getting married is simply not an option. She is implacably hostile.

[pallisers]

I think you should prioritise having your ds at the wedding. you can have a different celebration after etc if you want but what the child will remember is "dad got married without me there" and in this case it is highly likely that this is how his mother will present it to him too.

I also think you need to start thinking seriously about how/when to tell his mother that his father is planning to remary. It really isn't something you can hide from her no matter how explosive she is.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Well for us my ex told me the date of the wedding and that DCs would be page boy and usher. Then several weeks beforehand he told me they needed to go for suit fittings and rehearsal on X dates so I made them available. The day before the wedding he asked me if I would collect DC from the reception. I did. DC were 6 and 10 years old.

You can't spring dad's wedding on a child on the day of the wedding. They need time to get used to the idea. Really, keeping this secret from him and his mother is a terrible idea.

[pallisers]

like nocry said. have pick up dss, have the low-key wedding, text his mum before you drop him home and tell her as non dramatically as possible what happened "X and I got married this weekend, very low-key, ds was there of course" although tbh if you think she is hostile now, wait and see how hostile she'll be when you spring a wedding on her after the fact.

[Aeriefairy]

NoCryLilSoftSoft not really - dp’s parents are elderly and to be honest they’ll probably want to get a taxi home and sleep early anyway - though I suppose dss could go with them and have a sleepover at his grandparents house. We could then spend Sunday afternoon with him before his mum collected him.
pallisers telling her really isn’t an option. If we told her, she would make sure dss didn’t attend. She’d make up something to ensure she doesn’t bring him for contact that weekend, she’s done it in the past.

[Graphista]

How old is the child? I'm appalled you think ANY of this is ok. Do you have any dc of your own yet? Doesn't sound like it.

You're not raising him you see him every other weekend.

Hugely unreasonable to not tell HIS CHILD he's getting MARRIED. Even MORE unreasonable to potentially expect a child to either keep it a secret from his mum or be the one to tell her.

Even IF she's as bad as you say (and aren't all ex wives supposed to be like this?) YOU are the adults and for the CHILD's sake need to handle it as if you are in fact adults.

Mykingdom sounds like you handled a similar situation very well.

As did my dd's now stepmum. Her dad and stepmum told her together in person, then stepmum took dd out for a treat and asked her to 'help' by being a bridesmaid (dd was only 8 at the time).

I travelled for a long weekend so dd could be bridesmaid and got her ready on the day and collected her from the reception.

And all that with my ex and I NOT getting on well at all.

The child is the priority - BEFORE the venue, the honeymoon all of it

[Atenco]

telling the ex we are getting married is simply not an option. She is implacably hostile

Ok, so are you going to keep it a secret forever? Do you want DS to also keep it a secret?

[Graphista]

"I don’t think I’m getting it across clearly enough - telling the ex we are getting married is simply not an option. She is implacably hostile."

Tough! You're adults deal with it. There's a SMALL CHILD involved here you cannot expect him to be omitted from such an important part of his fathers life OR to keep such a huge secret from his mother. It's just not on.

[Aeriefairy]

NoCryLilSoftSoft we would LOVE to have that level of amicability with dp’s ex.
If we gave her the date she would make up an excuse on the Friday why dss can’t come. She also wouldn’t be flexible at all re. Fittings (we’d plan them during eow’s No problem).
She would not drive to our wedding reception to collect dss in the evening, either.
This is the problem. She is that hostile, that unbending and it is so bad that she doesn’t allow dss to have photos of us at her house (that dss picked out himself and asked to take home with him), it doesn’t matter to her if dss suffers or not she can only focus on what she wants, which would be to prevent dss having anything to do with our wedding in the first place.
So our options are tell dss mum and accept he won’t actually be at the wedding, or don’t tell her and give dss a vague idea of when the wedding might happen and tell him the Friday we get him that we’re getting married the next day.

[PerspicaciaTick]

You need to invite him to your wedding. You need to do as much as possible to ensure he can be there.
If his mother refuses to allow him to attend then that is for her to explain to her son and for her to deal with the consequences as he grows up and realises what she did.

[Graphista]

I remember the thread about the photos but honestly u stand by what I've said.

IF she's an arse about it that's not on you but you cannot put a child in the middle of adult problems

[Aeriefairy]

Yes but if we tell her when we’re getting married and she prevents him attending (as we strongly suspect she will) it will break our hearts knowing he’s got a little suit waiting and his mum stopped him attending. There’s no good to be gained by having a go at me - she already poisons dss against his dad!

[viques]

It would be a lot easier if you weren't so hung up on the venue that is only available for one weekend. What is more important, one day or a marriage and relationship with dss?

Have a low key register do with dss in attendance. If you want arrange a party at the perfect venue later on, ditto the honeymoon. You are going to be a parent, time to recognise that your kids emotional needs come before your need for wedding pictures.