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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Help! new SM and want to run!

102 replies

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 06:45

31 year old. To marry father (37) of 7 year old girl....and going CRAZY.
Bf and I are perfect together - except for this one thing - DSD.

It seams a 100 times a day I think
"I can do this- Do it for him" - then...
"I can't do this! I'm going crazy"

I can't handle the resentment, the loss of control of my life, heartbreak and pain. I love this man, he's the best I've ever had, but what do I do?
I used to cry a lot. Now I've gone from sad to angry.
Angry that he can't stand up to his ex. Angry that DSD rules his life completely. Angry he can't stand up to his daughter and stop parenting out of guilt. All conversations are about her.

I feel like the outsider. I am his nanny by day. Sex toy by night. He gets everything he wants. I asked for one Sunday together every 5 weeks. I asked for that one day where I get him alone and he snaps "You want me to disown my daughter!" Just cos I asked for a day. (He has her thur, fri, sun, mon)

I've stopped fighting now. Given up asking for what I want.
We are going to counseling soon. I don't think he'll ever change.
Help

OP posts:

Report

Melony6 · 15/10/2017 06:54

He is going to have to change a hell of a lot - that is probably too big an ask.
And this is before DSD is old enough to become a manipulative teenager.

Run for the hills I think the phrase is.

GallopingMom · 15/10/2017 06:57

I feel like the outsider. I am his nanny by day. Sex toy by night. He gets everything he wants

This is not a man who is good for you. Read back your post and pretend that a friend is telling you this - what would your advice be? You know things are not going to change so get out now or set yourself up for years of unhappiness.

swingofthings · 15/10/2017 06:59

He doesn't have to change any more than OP has to change. Making a lifelong commitment to a man with children is a very difficult choice. For some it comes quite naturally and then take on that role very naturally, for some, who deep inside would give anything for that child not to exist, it's becomes a massive task.

From what you write OP, it looks like you are only accepting his DD as a compromise to have him and you are not managing it.

Whether you too can work together on this, only you will know, but it certainly sound that you are not in any way close to being in the right place to marry this man.

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:02

You're right.
But inbeween there are moments of sweetness and it's so lovely.
Yes, I get scraps ,but it's worth it?

OP posts:

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:02

opps thought that would post under the massage I'm replying to... how does this work?

OP posts:

BoredOnMatLeave · 15/10/2017 07:03

I just don't think you are compatible at all. It's better just to leave now. FWIW I don't think he should cancel his day with his DD to spend with you, presumably you can spend Sat with him? But he shouldn't have snapped at you.

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:03

OMG yes. I think she is going to be very manipulative.
I see her narcissistic mother in her!

OP posts:

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:04

It's one day! No he work Sat to 5pm

OP posts:

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:08

Yes, you are right. We are not in the right place to marry.
True. I do see her as a compromise to being with him :(
I'm trying really hard.

I really don't think hims making me priority for one day. Just one after 5 weeks of seeing his daughter 5 times a week. We need this day because our relatiship is ALL about DSD that it's like we don't have a relationship.

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 15/10/2017 07:10

I don't think this relationship will work for all of you in a healthy way. You've got too much resentment, and you're allowing your feelings on his ex to cloud your feelings on DSD.

I think you have to walk away.

Bythebeach · 15/10/2017 07:13

I think it sounds hard but his daughter has to come first. She's 7 so must be at school so gets to spend one of her 2 weekend per week with her dad. That sounds eminently fair to her and she shouldn't have to lose out. It's unfortunate he works Saturday- can he change that? Does he have a weekday off and if so can you have the same weekday off? School isn't flexible so his daughter can't have a different full day with her dad. Plus, he has an equal responsibility to his daughter as his ex who presumably looks after DSD every Saturday - good on him for doing what dads are supposed to do.

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:16

Oh man.
I feel I'm an old women. I finally find this wonderful man that I love. He want to marry me. He wants to have a baby with me. Everything I've wanted.

And this. I feel like I'm human scum cos I can't get past this. DSD is a good kid and she's nice to me now. Oh God! What do I do?
I know I'm immature. I never had a openly loving father, he's now passed.

Just scraps of bf attention is fine. I can do this... oh god what do I do?

OP posts:

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:25

I didn't think I would feel this raw asking for advice from people.

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/10/2017 07:30

You are only 31! Find someone else. Sex toy at night and nanny by day and you don't love this child?? He gets what he wants all the time and you are not happy? Very bad signs. Plenty of men out there and this is not the one.

Ullupullu · 15/10/2017 07:33

You do sound incredibly immature and not focused on the needs a child! The child should come first.

You've just admitted you were affected by a distant father and you want your BF to be less of a father to his child? I don't get it.

Do not add a baby to the mix, it will only get worse - you'll be jealous of the attention given to the baby as well. You'll be jealous that he still gives his time/home to first child even though he has a new child with you. Etc.

You should leave. You're not compatible. And you are far from old! Find someone with no strings attached.

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:33

Really? Oh man. I'm not sure there are. This man is so wonderful.
I want to be a wife and mum of my own child so badly.
Live in this tiny town. I'm shy ... so many excuses

I feel like scum cos I don't love this child. I feel for her like I do all kids on the street. Good will, no harm, all the best. nothing more.

OP posts:

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:37

no, no. I don't think asking for a day is neglecting this child.
I never said I wanted my bf to be like the dad I had.
It's great he has so much time with his daughter.
I just asked to be thrown a bone from time to time. A date or something.

Just like when he lashed out at me - Just because I ask for one day dones't mean disowment or be like my dad.

OP posts:

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/10/2017 07:40

Please leave him and the child she's only 7. My dd is 7. My exh has met someone else and plans to revoke half his contact with my dc. I am devastated for them.

I think when the nrp has a strong contact pattern and doesn't have to fight for access that you can ask them to change it for a special event once in a while but routinely no. No chance.

If you don't love her let her dad find someone who does.

poppl · 15/10/2017 07:40

If he sees his daughter 5 times a week why can’t you have “us time” on the other two days?

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. Yours and his I mean, not his and his daughter’s.

MyOtherProfile · 15/10/2017 07:41

So the mum has her Tues wed and sat? Seems reasonable to me for mum to have her an extra day once in a while since he has her more than t0% already.

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:42

No way am I asking for him to never see his child again.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing that.

I don't think a day after 5 or 6 weeks on step duty, just to reconnect is asking for disownment

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 15/10/2017 07:43

he lashed out at me

Whatever excuses you are making for him, this really doesn't sound good. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Find someone who really does put you first.

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Willswife · 15/10/2017 07:46

In all honesty, if he knew the resentment you felt for his child then he would probably not choose to be with you.

If you had a baby yourself your feelings towards the two children would be so different, it really isn't fair on your DSD or partner.

You can't help how you feel, but this isn't the right relationship for you.

nekobusu77 · 15/10/2017 07:47

You are right. I do get tuesday, wednesday.
He come home exhausted. I'm exhausted. We sit on the couch. Then go to bed. I don't know.
Yes, our relationship has gone bad.
His relationship with DSD is number one.
My relationship with DSD is number two.
then...

Yeah. I agree the mum could have her daughter a bit too, hey.
I feel like she has two husbands and I have a part time boyfriend

OP posts:

Melony6 · 15/10/2017 07:47

Everyone saying the child comes first, what happens when OP has a baby of her own. Doesn't look as if there is any room for that in this scenario. DP seems unable to see that his new partner needs some of his time too. He should surely be able to have a life and a DD.

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