Why can't we all just GET ALONG??

[Wanderlust800]

Hi all

I've been reading a lot of posts on here and have decided to post myself. I just need a place to vent and know that I'm not alone ha ha

Why is it nigh on impossible for (most!) exes and DP's exes to be reasonable in regards to the children and everyone's new relationships? Particularly when the exes were the causes of the splits?

DS is 9 and I'm RP - he sees his dad every weekend alternate Fri's & Sat's (or both if his dad commands it of me)
ExH and I have been divorced for 2.5 years
DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years (don't live together yet)

My DS is 9 and his dad's GF has been in his life for the past 5 years - fine, she seems nice enough (despite highly questionable taste in men lol), loves my son and seems to spend more time with him than my exH does....YET she still has the odd dig about me (DS tells me stuff) and he know that his dad actively hates my DP (who he's never met) and as a result, makes his dad think he doesn't like spending time with my DP so as not to hurt his feelings or make him angry - however I obviously know very different and he loves spending time with my DP and his two children - I have even resorted to videoing my DS when I say we're going on day trips with DP or having a sleepover etc - so I really feel for the poor lad. He's asked me if I like his dad's GF and why his dad doesn't like my DP

I replied stating that she seems nice and loves him - but that I'm not the important one - does HE like her and he said yes - so i said well in that case, that's all that should matter. As for his dad not liking my DP I said that he couldn't possibly know that as he had never met him but asked if he liked him and he said yes of course.

DS has been referring to his dad's GF as his SM which I try not to flinch at and I've gradually accepted that as she is such a big part of his life then so be it. My exH refuses to accept that there is another man involved in DS's life and is just being a complete and utter bastard constantly. He sends me aggressive messages - he would never dare to talk to me like that face to face - and I'm sick of his shit. Tries to order me about who I spend my time with when I have DS (ie not DP) and tells me that I need to spend more time with DS which is tricky considering I have him all week and hardly get a look in at the weekends as he's with his dad. hmm Also if I'm supposed to have DS on a Saturday one week and make plans, exH will demand he wants him Saturday as well and goes off the deep end and tries to accuse me of only wanting him when I feel like it etc, if I say no, sorry I've made plans. It's usually not an issue as mostly don't have anything set in concrete but it means that if I book tickets I have to make sure he knows not to ask for him.

I try not to rise to his taunts and comments - as I don't believe in feeding the trolls but surely to christ it has to get easier?? But I'm starting to think that he's trying to implement some (not so) subtle parental alienation grrrr

tbh I'd probably rather deal with his GF than him as she seems reasonable enough - but I don't know what the two of them might be plotting. I just feel that I'm starting to doubt my own role as a parent and feel that I have to justify everything I do - but guess that might be what he's trying to do to me? The way he behaves, anyone who doesn't know the details would assume that I cheated on him and split the family up, not the other way around!

My DP's EW is another kettle of fish entirely - she has him by the balls and uses the kids as a weapon - she's a nasty piece of work in general and this is nothing to with their split! they have the two kids 50/50 yet she is fleecing him for everything she can. She hates me (we've met) for no other reason than I exist, the kids love me and her exH is finally happy (I think she regrets kicking him out now as apparently she needed to "find" herself )

I see stuff on telly about divorced couples managing to get along fine with no hiccups etc but it really is a fairy tale isn't it? Bloody hell when I see it all written down, it does read like a soap opera grin it's like trying to deal with two extra children all the time and I now have more white hairs than I care to count!

PLEASE tell me that when the kids are old enough to make their own arrangements with them, the pair of them will just fuck off and leave us alone? lol

[Magda72]

Hi Wander,
I've no real advice for you but you are NOT alone!
My ex also left for the OW who is still his partner. While we have a civil co parenting relationship now almost 8 years on he still acts like the victim & as if I was the one who split up the family. That's his guilt & his inability to face up to what he did. He very subtly makes a lot of digs at me & my dp but my older two kids (20 & 15) see right through him at this stage and either tell him to be quiet or laugh at him.
I just ignore this carry on for the most part & have set access in place so manipulating the kids' time to get at me never really gained ground even though he tried & still tries.
Dps ex is a nightmare. Cannot understand that dp is not 'hers' any more (mutual split no one else involved on either side) - she didn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him either. In the three years I've been with dp she has gone from enormous tantrums to now just saying really vile things about me, my kids & dp to their kids. I feel so sorry for them in all of this as she's their mum & they love her but she uses them to attack dp & he's constantly having to counteract her lies. He has all but ceased contact with her as every bit of contact over the kids ended up with her hurling abuse at him via txt or over the phone. He actually sent her a solicitor's letter over this. His eldest is 17 & he now contacts him directly.
People like this won't change so all you can do is get everything court appointed & maintain your own boundaries. It works for the most part but it's exhausting. You will also never be right in their eyes so just stick to your guns & trust your own parenting!
X

[ExWifeCalling]

IME it's often because they can't see what others see and because there isn't a one size fits all answer.

My xh absolutely hates my dp. Hates the fact that my DC have a good relationship with him. And this manifests in him telling the DC that the only reason they get on with dp is because he doesn't have children of his own he is more like a mate to them than a parent whereas his partner is a parent and as such knows all about having children and they don't like that in his view.

The reality is that his partner is an awful woman who spends a lot of time complaining about the amount of money ex gives me, bitching about her own ex to her children and screaming at her children about how much she hates them on a regular basis. In the beginning xh excused this behaviour on the basis that he wasn't her children's parent so obviously wasn't going to be involved in how she parented them, but now they have children together and I think realisation has dawned that it's only a matter of time before she starts speaking to their joint children in the same way she speaks to her own.

But as a result my DC can't stand her and ex just seems to find this incomprehensible. In truth though I think that he's trapped in a situation he didn't see coming (they got together and moved in had children very quickly so the relationship didn't develop before her true colours showed.). But he's left having to save face and show solidarity because anything else will just make him look bad. It wouldn't obviously but I can see his thinking.

But his reaction to when the DC refuse to visit is to tell them that it could just as easily have been my partner they didn't like and then what? Which isn't exactly addressing the issue.

Things have reached an impass lately however as the DC refuse to go to the house and as they're teens they can't be made to do so. But they now see their dad away from SM and this seems to work better all round.

He's not a bad father on the whole but he seems to be torn between two camps. And the partner expects unwavering loyalty, not only to her but to her children.

[Busymum5]

Like the others, I have no real advice for you only my experiences.

When I split with my ex husband - he had been unfaithfully a number of times - things between us was horrible. There is blame on both sides as looking back we both were dealing with our own hurt and anger by lashing out and not thinking about our DC.
I feel sick thinking about the screaming matches, text conversations, talking about how much we hated one another - and all this was going on in front of our DC's.

This all changed when we went to our DD parent evening. We were the last ones in and the teacher asked us to wait. The schools councillor came in - she basically pulled us both over the coals about our behaviour/actions and how they have been affecting our DC.
I will always remember her saying - to both of us - "what is stronger - your love for your children or your hatred of each other?"
I had never thought about it that way and to be honest I realised that I had forgotten that when I was cursing my ex-husband - I was also cursing their dad. Its so easy to forget that.

To have it laid out like that by someone not involved in our situation was an eye opener. Unlike my friends and family - she did not care about my feelings she only cared about my DC's.

Then and there we both accepted her help to reach the place we are now. And I am proud of us. We have both remarried and all the adults have a good relationship with each other - we go around each others house and can have a nice cup of tea. The step parents both accept that my Ex husband and I do the parenting and all they do is support the decisions we make. It works well because we are both committed to making it work.

At the end of the day the only thing you can control are your words and your actions. Keep being the better person and hopefully they will follow suit - if they don't then that is down to them. Just make sure that your world is happy. If you know what makes him blow up then forward plan your way around it - take away the ammo so to speak.

I hope you found this helpful - I am typing this out on my phone so hopefully it makes sense!

[Wanderlust800]

thanks for the replies :)

I ensure that I never discuss his dad negatively in front of him but unfortunately I can't say the same at his end.

It's the double standards that I can't stand.....I'm expected to just roll over and expect that his GF is in my DS's life and as he's his father I have to accept it? Which in all fairness...I have - I'm at a loss to see why he thinks his behaviour is acceptable and that he can't extend me the same courtesy. It really does boggle my brain lol

[sothisisnew]

Busymum5 I found that such a helpful post! Maybe there's hope!

It's really impressive that you're able to see the situation clearly and take a share of the blame for the situation. Mostly on here you get 'the other person does these horrendous things, of course I've never done anything like that'- it sounds like you're doing a great job.

[Belleoftheball8]

Not all cases are bad op I've been split from ex for 8 years now and it's been a long journey. We are civil now but in the beginning things were raw he left me for ow and was doing drugs and drinking. He pulled himself together saw DS in contact centre and built things up in terms of contact. Things are ok now although there's been things he's said to DS when he was younger about me to me or mother and horrible stuff about when we had dd about her only being her half sister not a proper sister and slagging dh . I found this was just his bitterness coming through and jealousy of what he's lost. Utilmately as time has gone on I've completely separated my private life to him to and we speak only to each other when needed to about DS. I don't have his DW number and he only has my DH because I'm rubbish and tend to break my phone 😂 Best thing is to disengage from them don't feed the drama by getting drawn in although as hard as it can be.