father taking non-resident child out once a month

[timelord92]

Was just wondering what everyone’s thoughts are on this?

My step daughter stays with us every weekend, Monday and Thursday evening. We also have recently had a baby together. We have just started having date nights again once a month which we will have to have on a Saturday night when my stepdaughter comes to visit and it got me thinking that she may feel a bit put out that we are spending this time together as a couple and yet she doesn’t really get one-on-one time with her dad apart from when he picks her up from school and sometimes takes her to subway.

Anyway, I was thinking it might be a good idea for them to start going out together once a month so she still gets time with her dad but then I was starting to think of our baby once she was older too.

Is it a good idea to start this up? Or would it cause issues as even though our daughter obviously lives with us full time she may start asking questions as to why her sister gets alone time with him without us but she spends time with all of us as a family. On the other hand, my stepdaughter might start feeling a little bit of resentment that her sister does get to spend everyday with him.

[WheresTheEvidence]

Why can't you do date night any other night she's not with you?

And yes sd should get some 1on1 time with dad if possible.

[PotteringAlong]

You can't have your date night when she is with you! She's only there 4 nights a month - pick one of the other 27 available!

[Iizzyb]

I read that as she’s with you every weekend plus 2 nights during the week. That’s 4 nights out of 7 including the weekends.

If you ever want to go out at the weekend you will have to go when she’s staying with you. You can’t just never go out. I think your idea is a great one (I was previously in your role in a relationship & never having a night out just wasn’t a realistic option)

[lunar1]

I think given that she is with you every weekend presumably for two night then once a month is fine. But she should get more than one afternoon a month 1:1 with her dad, he needs to make more time with her than that.

[swingofthings]

how old is she? I would get her dad to ask her. She might feel on top of the world at the suggestion, or she might look at him like he is mad wondering why he would suggest it because she is not craving his attention and is very happy with spending time with you all.

I would however talk to her about your Saturday nights in advance so she knows you are not rejecting her and sell it as a positive thing, ie. she is allowed to go to bed later, or watch a special programme, eat a special food.

[timelord92]

Wherestheevidence – We have been out once since the baby was born and that was on a Friday when we don’t have her. My partner works Tuesday to Saturday, which is why we are thinking of having it on weekends when he is off work. Friday would have been a good day but his usual hours of starting work is 6 on a Saturday morning.

[timelord92]

PotteringAlong – She’s with us more than she’s with her mother for the majority of the week including the weekend. It’s not 4 nights a month it’s 16. Most adult activities that we are invited to that we may occasionally want to go on our done on weekends because that’s when people are off work. We still have to have a life as well.

The original agreement my partner had with his ex for the past 13 years was that he would have her every other weekend. Now my stepdaughter has decided herself she wants to stay every weekend instead. I’d rather go out for a few hours every now and then (while she still stays at ours) than tell her she would have to continue coming every week.

Though your right about maybe us picking a different day when it’s just going the cinema or whatever. It’s just easier doing it on the weekend as my mum baby sits while we are out and she works very early in the mornings but is off Friday and Saturday.

[timelord92]

Lizzyb – I’m glad someone agrees with me at least. You still need to be able to go out and do things. We are letting my stepdaughter come whenever she wants too as she has keys.

[timelord92]

Lunar1 – What would you say was a good amount of time? Once a week? I’ll approach him with it. He I’ve tried to get him to take her out more since we got together 3 years ago but he seems more inclined for us all to spend time together. He thinks she’ll want to spend time with the baby but it’s me who thinks she may need it.

[timelord92]

Swingofthings – she’s 14. That’s a good idea actually asking her directly whether its something she would want to do. I think sometimes she would like to do it but sometimes she has a lot of homework so probably would want to stay in.

To be honest, my partner did used to take her somewhere every Monday while I was pregnant but since the baby was born 7 weeks ago we’ve all fell into a routine. It’s probably a bit selfish of me but I did appreciate my partner coming home and helping me with the baby for the first few weeks but now it’s getting a little easier.

That probably is a good idea to tell her in advance about the Saturday nights though.

[user1486915549]

I think it is perfectly reasonable to go out some evenings that stepchildren are staying with you.
No one would suggest you never go out and leave resident children with a babysitter. I think it is good that stepchildren experience normal family life rather than the sort of Disney parenting we often hear about on MN.
I do agree , however , that she should get some time 1:1 time with her dad.

[HeebieJeebies456]

My step daughter stays with us every weekend, Monday and Thursday evening......yet she doesn’t really get one-on-one time with her dad apart from when he picks her up from school and sometimes takes her to subway

So what is her dad doing during all that time?
Why isn't he stepping up to sort something out?
I can understand why dsd wants to be round more often, but her dad shouldn't be leaving all the childcare down to you by default.

[AlternativeTentacle]

How is she non-resident if she is with you more nights than at her mother's? Surely this is 50/50?

[timelord92]

Heebiejeebies456 - I don’t get what you mean what is her dad doing all that time. He’s with us in the house. Just like he would be if him and her Mum where still together.

I think her dad thinks that everything is great the way it is.

[timelord92]

Alrernativetentacle - she is classed as living with her mum as she stays overnight there. She just visits till 9 most of the week and then overnight sat.

The funny thing is she goes to her brothers overnight once a week too so she’s only with her Mum twice a week after school.

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

I think you sound like a lovely step mum. Just goes to show that everything in the step parent forum is jumped on and overanalysed . I'm in a similar situation and rather than total alone time with one child which can be difficult to fit in I would just make sure your dp gets alone time with all of his kids including the baby together.. And you get a break too.

[SandyY2K]

Good idea to keep up with date nights. You sound very thoughtful and considerate.

If you just have the baby between you, he can still go out with DSD once every couple of weeks.

[EndofSummer]

I think you are over thinking this! It’s fine. She might love being given responsibility and havung the house to herself. She might like going out with her Dad but I’d suggest it to both but leave them to decide what they want to do.

[Love51]

If I were your DH I wouldn't say to her 'do you think you and I should have quality time every month' I'd just offer it each month. Like this 'there's a taco Bell opened up, shall we try it tomorrow?' then the next month 'yeah I fancy the Lego movie too, let's book it' then Christmas lights, clothes shopping, food again, climbing wall, swimming, bike ride.... The idea of having to make conversation might be awkward for her,(or not, depends on the person!) so I'd put the emphasis on the activity not the need for 1:1 time. Once the baby gets a bit older you might naturally find that you and DH take one child each, it's easier to nip out with a teenager than a toddler.
Congratulations on your baby!