This is my first post, so I'd really like it if somebody could offer me some advice and/or let me know if they have experienced anything similar and how it ended up resolving itself!!
I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, but I have been with my OH for 3 years, we live together, are engaged and have a 3 month old daughter together too! My OH and my daughter have got on well from the word go, never had any problems, she adored him and he adored her. He moved in with us, everything still fine, she has even asked me before about when she was a baby whether he fed her bottles because she doesn't ever remember first meeting him because she was so little, she has always known him to be around!
Until, now!! All of a sudden she has picked up an attitude towards him, doesn't like to be told what to do by him, says nasty remarks without any prior argument or provocation, makes it very clear to anybody and everybody that he is not her real dad (which he would never make out to be anyway!) it is just such a far cry from how she used to be with him. This has in turn rubbed him up the wrong way, as he does a lot for her and she is continuinely throwing it all in his face. I wasn't sure whether it was just her age and a general attitude that she has picked up from school, but it seems to be majority of the time him who takes the brunt of it. He is the stricter one out of the two of us, so I'm not sure whether it is just the rebellion against the bad cop, but even when he does nothing or says nothing she just seems to treat him with disinterest all of a sudden, which deep down I know really upsets him because of how this has never been an issue before, which then causes him to take on the persona of "I don't care anyway suit yourself", which obviously doesn't help as she's only 5 and doesn't understand! Also when she takes an attitude with me I know it's not personal it's a 5yo girl thing learning about boundaries but he seems to take it personally as she's doing this to me because I'm not her dad kind of thing.
When she was first introduced to him she didn't spend that much time with her real dad as he worked a lot on her time and didn't prioritise properly, so she spent her time with his parents when she was meant to be with him. Her dad then began seeing somebody new who had a daughter of a similar age and so he magically began to plan fun days out and have all the extra time in the world. i am wondering whether this new found closeness with her dad has made her feel guilty for becoming close to my OH and so she is pushing him away or I've even wondered whether he's made comments to her about him and she has noted this.
FINALLY there is the added element that I have just had a new baby and she isn't the only child anymore and maybe feeling insecure about that, however she has shown no signs of that being the reason and adores her little sister. Maybe the fact that my OH is her sisters real dad and not hers might be playing on her mind subconsciously? It definitely isn't that he is spending too much time with the baby and not her as he would much rather watch a movie and play with her than look after the baby who I'm EBF and seem to be tied to anyway!
I'm so unsure what is causing this clash but it's starting somewhere, he's adding fuel to the fire as he's feeling hurt and then retaliates and then she just tries to push him away from the family even more!
I really am at my wits end with the both of them and telling them constantly not to argue and bicker, but I don't know how to fix this! I need to understand what's causing this and when I ask her she just says there is no problem or she's only joking! And when I bring it up to him he says he has no problem it's all her!
Sorry to waffle on I just wanted to get the full story out there to see if anyone might be able to see something I'm missing or have any advice on how to handle it!!
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Step-parenting
5yo daughter and my partner clashing!!
18 replies
HLHV · 07/10/2017 22:14
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