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Finding it so hard !

(19 Posts)
Lostmum72 Wed 04-Oct-17 21:02:24

I feel like a volcano about to erupt, I have 2 children of my own ds 11 and dd14 they live with me most of the time and see their dad every other weekend. my dp has 2 dds 12 and 13, they live with us 50% of the time and their mum the other 50% of the time. There are quite s few issues really I could be here all day. When we all first moved together 2 years ago there was quite a bit of jealousy between the girls, particularly the older 2 my dd was no angel and either were his. Anyway things got better, we go on holiday together, eat out together and do seperate things too. My 2 have no grandparents they are all dead we don't live near family we live near dps family so sometimes dps mum will take the 2 girls (my sds)out for tea maybe shopping, she enjoys spoiling them and I think it's lovely for them. But they get jealous when I take my 2 out when they are at their mums. Last week their mum took them out to waggamamas, me and my 2 went shopping to get my youngest sd her birthday presents and while out we went to Nando's and I must admit it's nice to spend this time with each other. Anyone who has teenages knows about Snapchat and all of them tend to put things on showing what they did or were they are. So my eldest sd put on an angry face emoji saying. Get treated differently when not there! Then the younger one copied...... I was so upset, I take them out, I buy them clothes, I've even taken them out on their own when mine haven't been there. I look after them when they're ill, cook, clean pick them up from school all the usual things but they seem to think it's unfair I take my 2 out and then put it on social media. I know it's just kids but would u feel upset?

LongWavyHair Wed 04-Oct-17 22:10:44

Your dcs are allowed to spend quality time with their mum (you), just as much as your dscs are allowed to with their mum. They get treated by their grandparents whereas your children sadly do not have any grandparents. Teenagers can sometimes be very me me me but that doesn't mean it's right. I think you are being more than fair.

Lostmum72 Wed 04-Oct-17 22:44:09

Thank you longwavyhair . I know it's just teenages but when your in the situation it does upset you, they seem so ungrateful. I did ask them if maybe they wanted to spend some time with their dad on their own without us as I can understand that...they said yes but then when the opportunity arises they want to do something else. I don't think that is the issue I think it's simply jealousy! I bought my dd a coat , she's upset about that because it's apparently the coat she really really wanted and she didn't get it my dd did. Well I didn't know that, dp didn't know that. I can't win tbh

Wdigin2this Wed 04-Oct-17 23:09:11

They are ungrateful....but that's what teens are like! Ignore it, or don't read their social media!

Lostmum72 Wed 04-Oct-17 23:18:12

No way would I ignore it if it was my own children! They would be taken off social media for doing that!!

Wdigin2this Wed 04-Oct-17 23:23:13

But they're not her DC are they!

swingofthings Thu 05-Oct-17 06:04:25

I was so upset
Don't be. They are teenagers, selfish, they still need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Don't look at it with any sense of guilt. You've done nothing wrong at all. Look at it that the same could have happened between your own children if you'd done one thing for one and the other had reacted with jealousy. How would you deal with it in this case?

I suggest next time they are there, be friendly as always, and when you get an opportunity (try to simulate one), have a calm talk with them. Say that you were surprised by their reaction, that you understand that they love going there too, but this was your special time with your own children, just like they have special time with their grand parents and mum. Say that in no way wasn't it a case of waiting for them not to be there to arrange the trip out, just that sometimes you and your children need to have some special time together, just like they do. That having divorced parents is hard, but that everyone is in it together and need to realise that the dynamics can't be like with a normal family.

I think the issue is that on a 50/50, they see both homes as their own 'normal' home and feel totally included in both and so when something of great fun happens without them, it feels like they are excluded and then it evolves to 'probably on purpose', which again, is typical teenage attitude.

Lostmum72 Thu 05-Oct-17 08:02:47

Yes that's so true swingofthings. Reading your reply makes sense. I think when your in the situation you have a tendency to over think it, and get upset by these things. Kids hey!

LongWavyHair Thu 05-Oct-17 10:16:14

Yep, kids do think the world revolves around them! Even if you were to try and rationalise things to kids (eg you had special time with your kids like they do with their mum) they still manage spin it around as being unfair on them. All you can do is keep making time for them but don't give up time with your own children just because they don't like it. The worst thing you could do is mollycoddle them and give in to their every tantrum becaue they will be more likely to grow in to adults who think the world revolves around them, and that is sooo much worse!

Lostmum72 Thu 05-Oct-17 10:42:09

Yeh longwavyhair, tbh we have talked to them about it but like you say they still feel they are missing out on something. I've been kind tried to explain and said I have no problem if they want to spend time with their dad alone, if that helps but I also made clear that I will continue to have time with my 2 when they are not here, that won't change. I didn't really see were they coming from but I guess it's just jealousy and it's difficult with blended families. It was wrong to express it on Snapchat though and their dad did have a chat with them about that!

LongWavyHair Thu 05-Oct-17 11:05:31

Yes I agree the snapchat thing is out of order. She shouldn't have made you out to horrible on social media like that.
I think some kids think their step/half siblings don't do anything when they aren't there😏. Then they are flabbergasted when they realise that's not the case!

Lostmum72 Thu 05-Oct-17 12:25:19

Well my 2 get jealous when they see they get things like an iPhone 7 from their mum or dr beats etc. But mine get 2 or more holidays a year as their dad takes them away but doesn't really buy them expensive things. There's always jealousy but I was just shocked at their reaction as I do do a lot for all of them, but hopefully they'll realise when they're older.

EndofSummer Thu 05-Oct-17 13:15:51

I would be telling them very firmly to stop being jealous and nasty about what you all do when they are not there. I’ve had this, and DH indulged them by starting to invite them to everything nice we did, or by trying to hold off on treats until they were there.

They’ve grown into entitled, bitchy adults who still complain. It’s not a nice quality. I tell my kids that if they start to expect or demand treats then they don’t get them.

Same for your kids too OP. They just have to learn to be gracious. As long as you are fair when everyone is in the house, it’s no ones business when they are not. And things will never be equal as you can never control another parents choices

Lostmum72 Thu 05-Oct-17 14:04:52

Yep I totally agree endofsummer. Oh no adults like that, how awful... you know what though their mum is like that and always has been hence the relationship broke down, she expected him to buy her a pair of boots for £200 and said you don't love me if u don't 😲. I hope they don't turn out like that

Magda72 Thu 05-Oct-17 14:27:39

Hi op - you know this is about blended families but it's also about kids these days thinking they deserve whatever they want & feeling entitled to absolutely everything! I feel so glad I grew up in an era where less of everything was the norm.
You've had some good advice here but it will be tough if their mum is entitled too. Dps ex was/is exactly the same & while dps kids are lovely boys they have massive material expectations & tend to nag if they don't get what they want. Drives me insane lol! Mine get great holidays but big gifts are reserved for xmas & birthdays - something I see little of in many households!
Dps ex also very good at telling their boys that I exclude them from things deliberately so there could be a bit of that going on too.
Just keep plugging away but don't expect miracles smile

Lostmum72 Thu 05-Oct-17 15:22:54

Magda, yes I know their mum doesn't help, she has in the past caused a lot of trouble I could write a book. However she has been better lately but will never trust her. My dcs dad's partner treats mine and I'm always telling them to be grateful etc maybe cos I know how it feels. I think no matter what I do I'll always be the bad one in their eyes.

Lostmum72 Thu 05-Oct-17 16:33:53

I also have my suspicions my oldest sd took my dds phone through jealousy but I can't prove it, so I've never mentioned it apart from now on here. She had an iPhone 6 I think, my dd wanted one from her dad so he said if u look after this one then I'll think about getting u an iPhone. My sd new this and she didn't want her to have one. This one day my dd had a migraine she went to bed and we put it on charge. Later on when she woke up it vanished, at first I though has she been downstairs with it even though I knew she hadn't, we searched everywhere for that phone and never found it. Dd had to confess to her dad she didn't know were it was, he was not happy and she didn't get an iPhone! I'm absolutely convinced sd took it and did something with it but I have no proof, but that will always stick in my mind especially at times like this ! Hmmm

swingofthings Thu 05-Oct-17 18:32:25

I would be telling them very firmly to stop being jealous and nasty about what you all do when they are not there
Well considering it is likely they like you much, hence the jealousy, I would think the above is the best way to get them to be both jealous and also start disliking you!

Why needing to tell them firmly? Why not having an educated conversation instead, where both parties listen to each other's feelings, take them into consideration, and end up with a hug and good plans?

Not all issues need to be turned into conflict.

RandomMess Thu 05-Oct-17 18:41:20

Regarding the phone I think I'd have told your ex your suspicions!!

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