Ds different at his dad's

(8 Posts)
operaha Wed 04-Oct-17 10:12:29

Anyone experienced this?
Long email from ds 12 dad yesterday saying he has concerns because ds is quiet and withdrawn at his house.
We've discussed this before, he isn't like that at home, he's noisy and confident and lovely.
He goes every other weekend and has done for 10 years.
Ex thinks I'm lying confused which I'm totally not but obviously I'm massively concerned as to why he's being like this.
I don't really know what to say to ex...

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operaha Wed 04-Oct-17 10:15:36

Ooh posted here cos he has a step family and wanted to know from others in similar situations.
I'm a step parent too but my dsds live with us full time, they don't see their mum

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Winosaurus Wed 04-Oct-17 13:56:28

I have this with my DS... he’s only 3 but according to his dad he says he hates his pre-school. He doesn’t, I drop him off there 4 days a week with no issues whatsoever. ExH has him overnight on a Weds and drops him on Thursday mornings.
I have had angry phone calls from ExH saying DS hates it there and that I need to look for another pre-school, I calmly explain there are no issues 4 days a week when I take him but then I get accused of lying?
Children can act differently depending on who they’re with. Your DS may feel uncomfortable or left out of the family at his DFs house as he’s not there all the time, or he could simply be missing you.
EOW is not a lot of contact, he may not feel it’s his home too and therefore act more reservedly?
Or maybe you and your Ex have different ideas on what his normal behaviour is? He lives with you and only visits his dad so you’ll know him better than anyone.
Are there other kids in the house? Are they overbearing and loud which could either cause your DS to withdraw slightly or look quiet and reserved in comparison to them?

operaha Wed 04-Oct-17 14:27:51

I'm so glad someone understands the accusation of lying part!!
In our house there's him and his brother 17, then step daughters 13 and 16. He definitely only comes 2nd to big bro in terms of confidence and noise.
His dad also said he's incapable of simple tasks such as remembering to brush his teeth?? I may check this kind of thing but it's no big deal confused from what his dad says it is.
I have to go now, will write more soon

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eyebrowsonfleek Wed 04-Oct-17 17:47:01

My kids are the same.

My children never stop talking here but apparently say very little while at their dad’s house.

I think it’s like school and they just have a different character there. The dynamic is totally different- they see their dad less and they are used to my house with their room, my rules, my cooking etc

Is your ex trying to get out of the pre-school run by any chance? Or is he the type to be desperately finding fault with you?

Starlight2345 Wed 04-Oct-17 17:53:35

As he is 12 have you had a chat with him..

operaha Wed 04-Oct-17 19:11:23

Pre school run? Bit past that.
Of course ive chatted with him. He data he doesn't feel safe around his step mum and it's when his dad isn't there he goes most quiet because she shouts a lot.
I can only take his word, his dad says they do shout because it's so frustrating having to spell things out to him.
I don't find I need to spell things out to him, he's my youngest so I have the yard stick of my other two and two step children to know that in terms of being quite mature and sensible, he is.
I don't wish to start a war with them but I'm a little bit upset that he is fragile when he's there!!! Maybe I should be the concerned one.

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wheresthel1ght Wed 04-Oct-17 20:28:03

We have the opposite issue as in dss is ridiculously vocal here and timid as a mouse at his mums. She also thinks we are lying. When stressed he used to smash his head off walls with her but we have never seen this. We have never said we don't believe her, only explained that he doesn't do it at ours and tried to work with her to find the cause.

Could the 3 of you sit down and talk? Try and work out what the issue is?

Is he on his own at his dad's? Could it be that he is bored or struggling to connect with his dad?

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