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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Call it quits?

28 replies

FirstNov2017 · 02/10/2017 21:23

Partner and I are expecting. We have a week to be out of our rented house and our bought house still has no kitchen and bathroom. Got the keys end of Aug and partner assured me it would be done. Last weekend he had his kids over and got nothing done in the house. This week the kitchen is being delivered (ordered from the place he wanted) but he might not be here to accept it as he sees his kids for an hour on a Wednesday and Thursday evening. There are a few weekends he doesn't see them because they want to spend time with friends or their mum makes plans for them with her family. Am I wrong to think that a house with no kitchen, bathroom or heating should be prioritised this week over him seeing his kids? We have a bun in the oven with unsuitable living conditions. I feel so let down. I never try and change his weekends or weekly visits but right now we don't have a home.

OP posts:

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Shylo · 02/10/2017 21:25

He needs to switch his nights around so he can get the house sorted and see the kids ...... this once won't make any difference , you need a habitable home

greatminds · 02/10/2017 21:29

He needs to prioritise you on this. The kids will survive!

Alanna1 · 02/10/2017 21:30

His kids need their time with him too though. Can you get some builders in to help?

FirstNov2017 · 02/10/2017 21:36

He doesn't want to hire help. He didn't see his kids for 3 weeks over the summer as their mum took them away to various places. They didn't need time with him then. We don't have a safe place to live come the end of this week.

I have no idea how to approach the conversation. I don't know what to expect around due date if he can't prioritise this house. The house is an empty shell. No carpets nothing. He spent more time putting wiring in for speakers and internet than he has doing the bathroom. He wanted a house project and hasn't put it the time it demands knowing full well he has kids and another on the way

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greatminds · 02/10/2017 22:00

This kind of subject is sensitive to me as I am step mum to 3 kids and it’s been a hard journey that I probably should not have done in hindsight.

It irks me because if the kids lived with you he would have to spend the time away from them doing the house, why does it make a difference because they don’t?

I agree they should spend regular time with him etc. But breaking the routine for a valid reason will not harm them and everyone will survive

GladysKnight · 02/10/2017 22:10

Can his kids come in and watch telly (in the shell) while he sorts the house? Hopefully they don't need "entertaining" all the time, do they? Will they be staying with you in the new house when it's (more) done - they might aw well get used to Dad's attention being divided between them and the decorating....

If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to accept someone else has to do the work. three into two (as in work, kids, diy into work time and non-work time) is going to be a tough squeeze if he can't double up some of it.

Also if - maybe do some of it yourself? You'll get a great sense of ride and ownership, plus he might want to step in if he's fussy about doing it 'his' way. I find this works a treat with my DH

GladysKnight · 02/10/2017 22:11

pride, not ride!

GladysKnight · 02/10/2017 22:12

But you must have a loo!!! I was pg when we moved into our ruin, and that had to be sorted sharpish.

FirstNov2017 · 02/10/2017 22:18

@greatminds "That I probably should not have done in hindsight" you got through it though right?!!

I feel like I am going crazy. My family have been helping as much as possible and he's angry at me as they are doing things that he wanted to do because it's his project house. I feel like myself and this baby are at the bottom of the priority list.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2017 22:23

His kids also need a safe decent place to stay when they see their dad and come for contact at the new house.

OP, how has he suggested he sorts it? If he can't be there to accept it he can find someone else who can. Don't get involved in fixing his fuck up.

I just wouldn't discuss it, leave him to make a plan and tell him if the new house doesn't have a kitchen, heating or bathroom you won't be staying there. It's just not safe. He can put you in a hotel if he hasn't got it sorted in time. What a chump.

You don't need this stress. Prioritise yourself.

greatminds · 02/10/2017 22:27

Yes I get through it. We are happy and have our own DC now. But I don’t have much of a bond with the DSC so it’s not like I am looking forward to when they stay. I am nice to them and make them welcome etc - but deep down I look forward to when they go home. Sad really.

FirstNov2017 · 02/10/2017 22:29

@gladysknight there is no Loo. His kids are 8 and 12 nearly 13 and they will not entertain themselves. The eldest said she wanted to help and then didn't listen to a word I said but got upset when I told her off for having a paint fight with her friend. there was paint everywhere and then after her 30 mins of help she repeatedly asked her dad if we were going yet. It's difficult to try and involve them when they don't care about what we're trying to involve them in. They have a lovely house with their mum so why would they care about the urgency of this house. I don't think he's explained that to them either. I don't think it's them that's the problem. If he's had to miss a visit for work and explained it to them they have been fine. I don't know why at this time he's telling me he needs to see them as if the world would end otherwise. All in all we spent 4 hours at the new house at the weekend and he got 3 rows of tiling done in the bathroom. Then had a go at me for not finding them jobs in a house that is a worksite.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2017 22:29

X post. He's being a twat. And you deserve better.

It's quite simple. He needs to bloody sort it and it's no good moaning about other people hurting his vision when he needs to pull his head out of his arse and make sure you have a roof over your heads, carpet under your feet and done plumbing!

It's not about having an argument. He needs to commit to a schedule and get the hell on with it all.

On the kitchen issue, well he just has to be there or arrange for someone to be there. On the wider problem, is there money in the budget to pay people to do things? He doesn't have to like it but if you can afford it just get on and organise it.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/10/2017 22:37

Do you have somewhere you can go to? You need to be putting yourself first at the moment. And of course if he can arrange to see his kids at a different time, he should. Paint fights? That made me really angry.

FirstNov2017 · 02/10/2017 23:19

@annelovesgilbert he hasn't suggested how he will sort it. Always feel like I'm on egg shells when it's anything that remotely involves his kids. He's let them run riot in the past and I've always got it in the neck for speaking up when I think he needs to change his behaviour with them.

I can go to my sisters or my nans if I need to. As if being pregnant isn't stressful enough :-(

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swingofthings · 03/10/2017 05:33

This week the kitchen is being delivered (ordered from the place he wanted) but he might not be here to accept it as he sees his kids for an hour on a Wednesday and Thursday evening.
I'm confused with your post. Is he supposed to fit the kitchen himself? If so, are you getting all upset because you think that by giving up one hour, his ability to do the job is ruined? Is it trying to reassure you that he can still do it, that one hour break will actually be welcome, and that he will just stay up later if necessary? Does he only have the evenings to do it or will he be taking days off?

Or is it just the issue of the delivery, and if so, can't you be there for the delivery?

It sounds like the move wasn't organised as best as could have been, but that's not unusual. Even those who plan every aspect of it experience delays. They say that moving house is one of the most stressful events in life. However, I don't see why you would pass on the blame onto his children. Nothing about this move is their fault. I am not surprised he gets defensive if you bring them in the picture because it has nothing to do with them. Get angry with him because of his failure to organise, if indeed, all of it is his fault rather than joint or unavoidable.

Hoping for you that once the stress of the move and pregnancy is over, things will settle for all your you, but you last comment about him needing to change his behaviour with them is not faring well as really, it is an issue that you should have sorted (or walked out) before committing to him with a baby and a joint investment.

GladysKnight · 03/10/2017 07:05

Gosh, that doesn't sound like you're on the same page with this, in a big way. You haven't said where you are in the pregnanacy (though the peeing all the time was all the way through as I recall) - but his attitude seems all wrong here. I would be furious in your position, pregnant or not.

The two of you need to sort two things here (at least!) by the looks of it:

First, the fact that this is firstly your (you, him, babe & to an extent dscs) family home, and only secondly his 'project'. This is something I have lived with a little bit for 20 years, but my DH does listen when I get upset and things get fixed. If he hadn't, there would have been HUGE trouble.

Second, the fact that you, him and the dscs need to get on. I have no direct experience of this, but you have to have agreed rules and ways of dealing with them or everyone will be unhappy.

Have you tried to explain these two points to him? I find it hard to have these kind of conversations with DH as I get upset and he clams up - but once we've got through them, things have improved no end. Don't let it fester.

And congratulations on the pregnancy, too

GladysKnight · 03/10/2017 07:08

Hopefully you can tactfully help him to see that letting the kids run riot isn't good for them and isn't showing them love, by the way. It's called 'spoiling' for reason! From what I've read it's not unusual in part-time Dads. But they need him to be strong, loving, supportive and reliable, not a mushy pushover.

GladysKnight · 03/10/2017 07:18

sorry, 'part-time Dad' is a horrible phrase. He's their Dad all the time, and the more consistent and reliable he is, the more the kids will know that, I suspect. It probably isn't easy for them, but I think children are usually happiest when the lines are clear. You'll need to do this with your coming baby, after all.

CosmicPineapple · 03/10/2017 07:20

The children are not the ones preventing him from doing up the house. They are being used as an excuse by him and you.

HE is the one who is choosing not to do the work needed but I suppose it is easier to blame the DC than address the real problem.

Stay with your family and tell him that until he stops making excuses and completes the work that is where you will remain.

LaughingElliot · 03/10/2017 07:33

Oh I do sympathise. Do make yourself a solid back up plan for a cosy place to be when baby is born. Very difficult to enjoy the pregnancy when you are facing accommodation stress.

FirstNov2017 · 03/10/2017 08:21

@swingofthings someone needs to be in to accept the delivery. They only deliver to kerbside and he said this is where he wanted the kitchen from and didn't want to upgrade the delivery. He wants to fit it himself. He doesn't want to hire anyone for anything

How am I blaming his kids for him not doing the things he needs to? I previously said it wasn't there fault and he has been happy to swap a weekend when he's had work or we've been on holiday. I don't bring them into argument. Sunday I said "you need to be here to accept the delivery" he replied well I need to see the girls". They don't live in the same city as us and it's a 4 hour round trip. If the delivery is coming, we will be notified an hour beforehand. If we miss the delivery we will be charged a redelivery fee.

This week and weekend he needs to be in the house doing the work he said he would have finished by now. Getting these things done need to be his priority.

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greatminds · 03/10/2017 10:04

I think he is being incredibly selfish.

swingofthings · 03/10/2017 14:58

Sunday I said "you need to be here to accept the delivery" he replied well I need to see the girls". They don't live in the same city as us and it's a 4 hour round trip. If the delivery is coming, we will be notified an hour beforehand. If we miss the delivery we will be charged a redelivery fee.
Are you sure that wasn't his way to say 'and why can't you be there to accept the delivery'?

I don't think getting these things done should be a priority above seeing his girls. It should have planned out, jointly, so that he could do both.

If the issue is that he thinks that he still can do it in time? Our handyman fitted ours in one day. Heating, not great, but it's not freezing cold yet. Bathroom again, can be done in one day. Maybe he is one of those people who don't think the situation is critical until the deadline has passed and maybe he sees it that he still have 5 days to do it all and think it's feasible?

TwoDots · 03/10/2017 15:26

Swing, op has said they only deliver to curb side so what is she expected to do? Carry it in herself?

Sometimes children need to learn that other things happen in life and to be able to deal with and accept that. Putting everything else in life on hold is madness. On this one occasion it will not hurt the children to swap days around and explain to them the reason why. It’s life and a lesson best learned whilst young

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