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Ready to leave

(14 Posts)
Eab123 Sun 01-Oct-17 19:14:08

I really need guidance here. Am I over reacting when I got upset about this? I'm looking for honesty because I am quite an emotional person and tend to take things too personally.

My step son 11 likes to pretend to stab me or hurt me etc. On Friday he chocked me and it gave me that gag feeling and I said he is not allowed to do that to me. I don't appreciate it. I have asked him lots of times not to do this because I really feel uncomfortable when he does.

My partner jumped to his defense saying it is just a joke. That he is just a kid and I'm being sensitive.

I'm very upset with him for allowing his child to treat me like that. He is a good kid mostly but I hate this kind of thing.

I spoke to his dad my fiancé about it again this morning because I really feel quite strongly about it and he said, "it must be the that time of month again. Everything he does irritates you." It really disturbs me that he thinks this is a non issue.

I am considering leaving him because I don't feel cherished or protected.

To be clear I don't feel the child would have harmed me, I just don't think it's acceptable behaviour.

I would really appreciate any input and advice.

stepmum100 Sun 01-Oct-17 20:19:50

Your step son sounds like a little s* , regardless of the situation or it being perceived as a joke, he thinks this behaviour is ok, he is hitting puberty so will he think its ok to do this to future girlfriends or that violence of any form is acceptable?
Joke or not if something is wrong a child needs to be told whether they get upset or not they should know whats right and whats wrong and unacceptable.
It doesn't sound like just your ss is disrespecting you it sounds like your partner is as well, he should be showing his son how to respect women nut hurt them or even pretent to hurt them!
My step daughter often says 'it was only a joke' if she gets told off and we explain why the joke wasnt funny and why she was told off for it.
Your partner needs to start setting boundaries and you maybe need explain to your partner the dangers of letting a young teenager think any form of violence is ok.
Sorry maybe iv over reacted but that's my personal opinion on the situation.
Good luck, I know how hard step parenting can be!

Lostmum72 Sun 01-Oct-17 20:28:25

Aw bless, look no matter what it is your step son has done to you, small or big. If it upsets you, no it's not ok and your not over reacting, it's so annoying when your dp reacts like this, he can't be allowed to do what he wants he's a child ! Speak to your dp again and explain this is not on and you're thinking of leaving because your feelings are not being considered , your not over reacting x

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 01-Oct-17 20:31:19

It’s not normal. (I have an 11 year old and older ones)
Sometimes teen(ish) boys play fight each other in the playground but they wouldn’t play fight with a female or anyone else who clearly wasn’t into it. Choking is definitely not a playfighting move and there’s a reason why he went for you rather than his Dad. I’d get him to play fight his Dad if it’s so innocent. 🙄

lostlilly Sun 01-Oct-17 20:36:20

it does sound a bit strange behaviour.
he is 11, he knows what he is doing and its disrespectful. If he actually made you gag its potentially harmful, what is the cut off ?
I think your dp should be stepping in and telling his son that he crossed the line and if you don like it then he shouldn't be doing it

lunar1 Sun 01-Oct-17 21:29:10

That is really odd behaviour, and if he didn’t mean anything by it he would stop when asked. Your dp not stopping him now says he is happy to belittle your feelings. I wouldn’t put up with this either.

Magda72 Sun 01-Oct-17 21:38:38

Personally I think this is shocking behaviour from both your dp & his son!
I've known many 11 yr olds & all have grown out of play fighting adults by this age.
'Pretending' to stab & choke people at this age is not appropriate behaviour & the enabling of it is borderline abusive.
I'd be seriously thinking if this relationship had any future if I were in your shoes.

SandyY2K Sun 01-Oct-17 23:39:51

This isnt normal behaviour. I'd feel the same way you do

swingofthings Mon 02-Oct-17 06:00:01

If you tell him that you don't appreciate being physically harmed like that, then of course you are totally reasonable to be angry that your request is being ignored.

Some boys are rough, usually because others are rough with them, so it's normality for them. I agree that it doesn't mean he has a problem. That's not the issue though, the issue is he needs to learn physical boundaries and that someone says 'don't touch me', you don't touch them.

Have a talk with your OH again and make it clear that he needs to realise what it means when someone says no about their body being invaded, whether that invasion is considered a gentle touch of an assault.

WashingMatilda Mon 02-Oct-17 09:54:39

I'm literally open mouthed at this shock

Justdontknow4321 Tue 03-Oct-17 17:58:27

His son is a little git, that is not acceptable at all and I can't believe your dp thinks this is ok! Your dp is a massive twat!! Leave him.

BringMeSunshinePlease Tue 03-Oct-17 19:24:26

I could have written your post myself, different ages but same problem of DP jumping to their defence and Ignoring your needs and wants.

How long have you been with DP? I'm three years in and I know it won't ever get any better. I'm saving up to leave, I wish I could go now.

I would go if you can. Trust me, it will never change and as they get older it gets worse.

Good luck.

Wdigin2this Tue 10-Oct-17 22:06:02

Whatever this kid is doing, if it upsets you, makes you uncomfortable or you feel is inappropriate....his Dad MUST do something about it!
Quite frankly, that kind of behaviour would worry me, and I would certainly not tolerate it. If he tries to choke you again, grab his arms and pull them to his sides, look him right in the eye and say....DONT do that again!!! If he laughs at you, and his dad joins in, well I think you'll need to rethink your relationship!

Biglettuce Wed 11-Oct-17 18:03:15

OP you are absolutely not overreacting. No matter what age he is, choking or putting your hands on someone’s throat is considered a BIG alarm bell, by the police and domestic violence. Do not let anyone minimize it. He could cause serious damage to you without even realizing it.

In fact, this specific act is considered so dangerous that it is a predictor of more violent acts. Phone women’s aid or an advice line to get some back up and talk it through with your partner. This child is out of control if he thinks it is ok, and needs to be guided really firmly.

Think about the message it sends to the boy, his dad thinks it’s ok to strangle a woman, his partner. If I were you I’d actually get out.

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