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Buying SD xmas present

(24 Posts)
lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 08:44:18

Should I buy SD a xmas present?

Context is there are 2 living with us permanently, eldest of 16 has not even bothered to say hello to me for over 6 months. Should I bother to buy her a (token) xmas present?

I have tried with these children for 3 years, they have lived with us for 2, and now due to her selfish actions, no apologies & not even hello's, I have given up on the eldest until she can bother to show me some respect (just a hello would be a start!).

Am I unfair in getting the younger a token gift set but not the older?

TwoDots Fri 29-Sep-17 09:15:29

Yes I'd still get her a gift. This could b a phase due to her age. Things won't improve if you're seen to be treating her differently

Keep showing her the love

VimFuego101 Fri 29-Sep-17 09:23:04

I would buy something, so that a lack of gift can't be used against you.

Santawontbelong Fri 29-Sep-17 09:24:45

As the adult you should be treating them the same regardless of their attitude to you.
Or you are simply fueling their dislike for you. .

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 29-Sep-17 09:26:04

Yes buy her a gift. It could be teenage persecution syndrome or it could be other issues.

Why isn't her father pulling her up on her behaviour?

If two live with you, why are they token gifts? Don't you buy everything together for the children as a couple?

Or do you like just it get something from yourself on top OP?

lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 09:26:09

Thanks - & good point Vimfuego101

I've given up showing any love I'm afraid- when someone can't even say hello to you when you are providing a roof over their head I don't think they deserve any love at all.

lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 09:30:39

He buys their presents now. First year I bought them loads of things (his family's tradition) then never saw any of them being used- so total waste of my time and money.
I have bought them a separate present for b'day/xmas for the last year or so.
We don't share their present cost as in my opinion I don't feel I should spend £100's on someone else's children -Particularly when they can't even acknowledge me!

hungrytillater Fri 29-Sep-17 09:32:45

All children deserve love regardless of their actions. Boundaries and good but withdrawing love is damaging.

lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 09:38:12

They do have 2 biological parents to provide them with love.
When someone disrespects you for 2 years there is no like left let alone any love.

TwoDots Fri 29-Sep-17 09:55:11

I do understand your frustrations, but do you not think your sd can see your attitude towards it all and this makes her more resentful?

Why do you think she has had s problem with you for 2 years? Genuine question...wonder if you can get to the bottom of it

lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 10:05:46

She has a problem with me because I don't trust her- based on her actions over the last 2 years.
She has not proven to be trust worthy and her actions keep proving I am right not to trust her, yet she feels hard done by.
That's doesn't mean you can't say hello when you walk in the door though- a little respect goes a long way and she has none for me either.

EnidNextDoor Fri 29-Sep-17 10:15:22

Why is your partner ok with this? Why is he not addressing the trust/lack of it/not talking/whatever else is going on? If he's not addressing it then I couldn't stay with him based on him being a shit dad. Why is he tolerating this situation on behalf of his daughter? Get her a small but really nice present (maybe posters here can help?) Then start making arrangements to move out and find a nicer partner.

lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 10:24:31

He feels guilty re the whole leaving them with their mum when they split up situation & in my opinion gives them both way too much leeway.
He has spoken to her about this situation- I feel discipline is not his strong point to keep the peace - he is also stuck between his children and wife.
Easier said than done to leave - we married earlier this year & are expecting our first child together.
His children will leave eventually.

LongWavyHair Fri 29-Sep-17 13:22:29

I would buy her a gift so that she can't use it against you. She doesn't actually deserve the gift, but just think of it as you're doing it for yourself. Be super smiley and happy on the day as well and keep your head held high.

user1486915549 Fri 29-Sep-17 14:44:15

I am sure there must be many reasons , but I was just wondering why they live with you and not their mum.
Could not living with their mum be one of the reasons they resent you ?

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 29-Sep-17 15:15:29

His children will leave eventually.

It must be an awful atmosphere to count down to this moment.

And they won't leave his life, and shouldn't.

LineysRun Fri 29-Sep-17 15:22:41

They're just kids and you keep banging on about respect.

I met my OH's DD when she was 14. It was not great at first, I'll be honest. But now she's nearly 19 and knows she can trust me. OH was a major part of that obviously, in agreeing boundaries - and we've agreed on 'Together But Living Apart', for all the kids' sakes.

And yes buy her a gift.

lilachaze Fri 29-Sep-17 16:09:57

There are alcohol issues which is why they can't live with their mum & I suggested they move in with us in the end after numerous midnight dashes to collect them.
Agree they shouldn't leave his life and will always be there - it will all be easier when they don't live with us is all I meant.
I'm sure when she actually grows up she might be better and I will be able to be more civil, but I do think someone who is 'adult' enough to spend all weekend at boyfriends, be on contraception, smoke occasionally etc could also be adult enough just to say hello and have a little respect for all the things I have done for them over the last 2 years.
I appreciate everyone point of view, and yes, even for my own sake a token present is probably appropriate so it doesn't get thrown back in my face.

Smartiepants87 Fri 29-Sep-17 18:54:10

You sound extremely cold towards them. Why did you get married and having a baby if then current situation is what it is, this cannot be good for anyone. His dc will always be apart of his life and in turn your unborn child's.

swingofthings Fri 29-Sep-17 18:55:18

Whatever the situation and reason for her not to want to even speak to you, my view is that nobody should feel force to buy a present to someone who it is clear you don't care to please as you feel they don't care to please you either.

What's the point of the hypocrisy? If it was with the intention to build bridges, then fair enough, that might be a way to go about it, but otherwise, I think it will be ignored at best (so waste of money) or received with contempt (which will only make the situation worse).

I think you are better working on how you can maybe rebuild your relationship and think of presents afterwards. I know that I would have had a lot more respect from my SM if she'd actually calmly said to me that she didn't think there was any point of getting my anything, but that she still hoped we could try to work things out between ourselves, then to get me a token present which I know she would only have got to show my dad that she was making an effort, which would have made me resent her even more!

WhiteCat1704 Sat 30-Sep-17 13:24:21

Op it sounds very difficult for you..I'm sorry you have to deal with this while pregnant.

I would buy her something small..becasuse its a polite thing to do.

Your DH should be adressing his DD behaviour have an absolute right to be respected in your own home. More so than the children as YOU are the one paying the bills.

16 is not far off from leaving home if she intends to go to uni to hang in there...On the contrary to what some posters on here say she doesn't need to be a part of your life if she treats you like crap. Her DF will have to deal with her but if he can't get her to act with basics of respect for you, you are fully in your right to disangage from her and leave him to it.

Your unborn child will only have to have anything to do with her if you as a parent feel its safe and appropriate and somebody who hates you might not be good for your baby. There is loads of half siblings and full siblings that don't have anything to do with each other.

imokit Mon 02-Oct-17 16:49:50

Regarding children will leave eventually - only to a point in a functional relationship.
My parents are divorced. I'm an adult living independently - but I'm still around a lot. I bounced around between the two during holidays at uni, then started working and regularly spent weekends at someones. Took a gap year, spent 6 months away working, spent the other 6 months alternating between travelling and staying with one or the other (I didn't want to pay rent while not working). Back in work with own place - I'm still around a lot.
Also you are having a baby - your dp may be like both my parents and want to prioritise a relationship between first kids and new kids.
You may see 18 as gone, but your partner may disagree (as I'm forever thankful my parents did).

handsfree Mon 02-Oct-17 16:55:20

There is a lot going on here but just to address the present issue..... why would you need to get her a separate present anyway?? Surely whatever your dh buys is from you both. My dh buys presents for dsd and I tend to buy the presents for our two boys but they’re always just considered as joint family presents from everyone. I think the only year I bought dsd a separate present was the first year I was with dh.

The1975 Wed 11-Oct-17 23:12:07

It sounds like an awful situation for everyone. But if they have had to leave their Mum because of her issues, pehaps at 16 she is struggling with feelings of guilt or being abandoned and is taking that out on you.

I think there are AA groups for families affected by alcohol issues and maybe that might be of help to her. Perhaps you could leave a leaflet out.

Whilst she might be adult enough to do the things you mention, she’s still very young. Maybe a last ditch attempt to reach her and say you want to try and build a relationship with her. She might not warm to it, but at least you have tried?

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