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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Advice please when "SKs" relationship is just too bad

30 replies

DistraughtSM · 25/09/2017 18:55

NC and few details here as I think OH's ex might be on MN.

Has anybody's relationship with their OH's children broken down so badly, and so finally, that you gave up but managed to keep your relationship with your OH?

OH has two young adult DSs. Been together 2 years. I have tried and tried, but I can't take any more. All the basic stuff you think we all know and do, treating each other nicely, respect and all that... just doesn't apply to them. They have been so rude, offensive and selfish from day one, I sometimes can't believe what they say and what they've been doing. OH has intervened a few times, but they lie to him and carry on. It's all an act in front of him. OH thinks it's a phase they'll both grow out of.

They've excelled themselves recently with what they've done, and we have hit rock bottom now. For my mental sanity, I really don't think I can take this any more. Can it ever work that I don't have to have anything to do with them again, somehow?

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Expemsiveuniform · 25/09/2017 18:58

What age are the kids?

Are you recently engaged by any chance?

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ExWifeCalling · 25/09/2017 19:09

Has what they've done been specifically against you and are they prepared to talk to your partner about what they see as the issues?

The reality here is that they are the children and you are the adult, and as such if you refuse to have anything to do with them you are putting your partner in a position where you are essentially making him choose, and that's not a fair position to be in.

Having said that, if the issues are so bad that you are unable to have a relationship with them you need to ask yourself whether you can really stay in a relationship with someone and refuse to have anything to do with their children ever. One day they won't be children they will be adults and then the dynamics will change. But if you cut them off as children you will be putting them in a position where they will remember.

Can you talk about some of the issues that have brought you to this point?

FWIW my own DC have recently stopped going to their dad's because of his partner. Their contact had lessened after she moved in and made it clear that her children should take priority in their house. But things have since escalated to the point where she and ex have been having screaming rows in public where she has been slagging me off and questioning why he dares pay me any maintenance etc. They have made their feelings perfectly known but ex has taken her side and as such they now refuse to go round there at all.

And the upshot will be that as time goes on ex's relationship with his children will deteriorate to the point they will lose each other if he doesn't start to take notice.

Now I am not of the belief that if children don't like a new partner they should be dumped, but I do think that if there are genuine issues then the children should take priority and things should attempt to be resolved, and if not then a relationship is IMO unsustainable.

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DistraughtSM · 25/09/2017 19:33

Thanks for your post ExWifeCalling. Their actions were initially against both of us, then more me, now just me. I recently discovered that some behaviour which OH really tried to persuade me was thoughtlessness was actually deliberate. They enjoyed seeing me upset (one of them told me, when OH wasn't around). We've both tried to get to what the problem is, they usually say there is nothing, but they seem upset with the change (they had their dad to themselves for many years). We've done everything to give them time with him, involve them, treat our home like a hotel and us as servants. They are like educated bullies, other family members just see two well-behaved, polite and intelligent young men. Behind our closed doors, it's another world.

whether you can really stay in a relationship with someone and refuse to have anything to do with their children ever.

Emotionally, I am now at the point where I am ok with this. I wasn't for a long time, I wanted it to work and make it good very much. But now, I am being so bullied and mistreated I need to put a stop to it. So now the question is more practical - could that work somehow? I see you don't think so.

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DistraughtSM · 25/09/2017 19:35

Expemsiveuniform Would rather not give details. And no, not recently engaged. Why?

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Expemsiveuniform · 25/09/2017 19:49

just wondered if there was a change in the relationship.

Why would you choose here rather then any of the other forums ? Especially since you think she's here?

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DistraughtSM · 25/09/2017 19:53

I see, no, no change except one of the DSs has more time on his hands and his behaviour has got worse.
I meant the ex might be on MN, not here on this topic.

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EezerGoode · 25/09/2017 19:56

My dm has step kids,she never bothered with them after they left home,and it was doubious before..their dad died 10 yrs a go...just cards at Xmas now,and ofcourse waiting for their of inheritance..so yeah it can be done.he was the love of her life for 30 yrs..it helped that he wAs a twat that put her before his kids...

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Expemsiveuniform · 25/09/2017 19:58

That's what I mean. Why would you post here not somewhere else? It seems a bit odd to me.

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DistraughtSM · 25/09/2017 20:01

Uniform I don't use any other forums, that's all.

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TwoDots · 25/09/2017 20:04

I don't know why we're even discussing why she's on here. Op is trying to be discreet.

Sorry op, I have no words of wisdom as have no experience, but I'm hoping posters can remain on the subject and help you

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/09/2017 20:05

Why shouldn't she post here?

The thing is, OP, that when you get together with someone with kids, you have at least as much to do with his kids as you do with him. If they are horrible to you, then you need to get out. Some might be horrible for a good reason, others not, but you should not feel obliged to stay if you're being treated badly.

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Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 25/09/2017 20:07

No way could I stay with a man who accepted his dc treated me like that. .

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Expemsiveuniform · 25/09/2017 20:11

Fair enough. I just wouldn't post somewhere I knew my ex's partner was about their kids or my relationship I just think it's a bit odd.

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Alittlepotofrosie · 25/09/2017 20:11

I dont think i could stay with him if he was prepared to see anyone treat me that badly im afraid. even if it is his kids. It shows a lack of character from him to not address it in any way.

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Expemsiveuniform · 25/09/2017 20:11

And really. Unless the op gives us a bit more info we can't really say much to help can we?

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DistraughtSM · 25/09/2017 20:12

MyBrilliantDisguise Trouble is, I don't feel obliged to stay at all, but I deeply love my OH and I'd be broken hearted to leave. I feel stuck in a lose-lose situation.

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/09/2017 20:17

I know you love him (though I think you need to look carefully at why he's tolerating this behaviour in his kids) but you know what, there are lots of men to love. This man comes armed with children who enjoy seeing you upset. That is going to be terrible for your self-esteem and for your relationship.

You could always live separately and carry on dating him if you wanted, of course.

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ClashCityRocker · 25/09/2017 20:23

I suppose it depends how it could work practically.

I think it's doable in the short term. As a late teen/young adult I pretty much refused to have anything to do with my SM (in my defence, she was the OW)

My father and I saw each other away from their home... I was living independently by then so it was easier as wasn't visitation/access overnight to work around...could something like that work for you?

This went on for a couple of years until I grew up enough to accept the situation. I now have a decent relationship with my SM and whilst not particularly close, I can have a laugh with her and enjoy days out together etc.

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lunar1 · 25/09/2017 20:54

How would this work longterm, when there is marriages and grandchildren?

Can you pinpoint the first episode this behaviour?

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Aroundtheworldandback · 25/09/2017 22:22

Yes op, I am in your position and I am making it work as best I can. Dh's adult children have always been vile to me; I long ago gave up with them.

Dh now sees them on his own which works all round. He knows they can't stand me, and I can't stand them. Not ideal by any means, but dh and I are committed to our marriage. I love him and have no intention of sacrificing our relationship and future because of his selfish, narcissistic children.

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swingofthings · 26/09/2017 06:04

Why wouldn't OP post here when it's about the children of her OH?

You don't indicate their age (probably for privacy reasons) nor if they are living with you. I assume not, but still coming EOW?

Frankly, they are adults, so I would leave them to it. It's probably down to exactly what you said, they used to have their dad for themselves, and from their eyes, they probably have seen him shifting all his attention from them (maybe when he was giving too much) to you, although he and you probably don't see it this way.

They need to grow up (assuming they are over 18) and start to have an adult to adult relationship with their dad rather than a child/parent one. They don't need to have a relationship with you and you don't need to do anything for them. I would ignore them and maybe when they have grown up, if they ever do, and they accept that you are in your OH's life for good, they'll start seeing you for who you are rather than a threat to their lives.

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DistraughtSM · 26/09/2017 08:09

Aroundtheworldandback Really? Sorry, but can I ask how this works out for you? If I stay with my OH I am at the stage of wanting to move just so it's really clear the new house is our home (the children have made it clear our current house is their home, I am in their space etc). I know I cannot ban them from whatever new home we have, I know OH needs to maintain his relationships with them, so how do you handle that? Do you go out every time they come round? What about bigger family events when they are present? How do you think it will work as another poster has said, as they marry and have grandchildren etc? All the words you have used are exactly how I feel about them - they have been vile to me, they are selfish and narcissistic too. So how do you handle your DH being friendly etc with people who have been so vile to you? I am finding that so hard.

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AnnabelleLecter · 26/09/2017 08:27

My dsis had this. They were late teens/early 20's.
She tried to get on with them but they weren't interested. Her DP told them he was staying with her and met them on his own for a while. They eventually matured and accepted the situation.

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yeahforfriday · 26/09/2017 11:50

DistraughtSM I am in this position somewhat now DSD's boyfriend was banned from coming to our house so she completely blanks us.

It is all still a bit new and raw in a situation and I genuinely thought that DH and I should break up as there seems to be a campaign going against me personally rather than her accepting her Dad will not have anything to do with her BF. She has even called my MIL and said stuff that I was meant to have said to try and cause arguments there.

I have offered to go as I guess in my head if I wasn't around then she wouldn't have anything to hold against him and at least they may be able to work on their relationship but DH doesn't want us to break up.

He is embarrassed by his DD and her behavior and his take on it is that I have been in his DD life for 13 years and always been there for her. She is 17 (so I know not an adult) and seems to be spending most of her time with BF and staying in his council flat rather than at her moms so he would barely see her anyway and since she has stopped coming here he has tried several times to arrange meeting on a 1 to 1 with her but she only turns up when she actually wants something off him and then she sits and runs me down and makes threats or relays threats that her mom,BF or step dad have made to physically harm me.

HE believes that she is toxic at the moment and has such an entitled attitude that she is not pleasant to be around anyway and that if we split up then where does that leave him? That all the DC's are growing up and we are otherwise happy in our relationship and he does not want to give that up (although I think he thinks this is a phase with his DD and she will go back to being herself again and everything will sort itself out eventually).

I think it is easy for people to sit in judgement but having looked around a few different threads there are family's out there that are NC with there DC's so it is not just a Step situation. It is heartbreaking but if you and your DH are otherwise happy together then I suppose you have to set some guidelines about big events. How will you feel if he goes and you can't or won't? How will he feel attending events without you?

The one thing that I keep telling myself is that just because things are as they are now, nothing stays the same forever so things will always change again, I am either art of that or I have the right to step back from it - it doesn't stop the pain but it stops it getting layered on IYSWIM.

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ExWifeCalling · 26/09/2017 17:57

As you would be the one stepping back, you would be the one who should be expected not to go to family events etc if you have chosen to have nothing to do with these children.

Without divulging actual ages though can you clarify, are they actually adults or are they still children? Because if children, even if they're teens then you need to be the one who is the adult here. They don't have to accept you and as such you may choose to step back for now, but if you genuinely think that you will want nothing to do with these boys in the long term in cluding having no involvement in their lives, wider families etc going forward then that's a huge statement to make especially if they have otherwise good relationships with all the rest of their family apart from with you.

And tbh if only you notice how awful these children apparently are I would be wondering what the other side of the story is. My DC are currently choosing to have no involvement with my ex's new partner and she will tell everyone who listens that it's because of their awful attitude towards her and that I am the bitch from hell. The truth however is that while they are currently acting like sullen teens, the SM is an extremely volatile woman who shouts, screams, throws things, calls her nine year old a c**t in public and has frequent stand-up arguments in public with the children's dad during which she shouts and screams about how awful a person I am for daring to take his money for our DC.

She has now cut off relationships with the inlaws because they refuse to believe her, and it's got to the point where she is denying them a relationship with her and ex's DC, except ex takes them round there without her.

But if you want your future to look like you being on the outside of all these kinds of family events then you need to weigh up the price that is going to cost. Cutting off from the DC will involve cutting off from the inlaws, the wider family, future grandchildren and partners. Do you really think your relationship is strong enough to withstand that and the criticism which will almost certainly come your way because of it?