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So upset with the ex right now

(35 Posts)
TwoDots Thu 21-Sep-17 10:05:39

Thank god for this forum sometimes. I'm fairly outspoken and if it weren't for the advice on here, I would have called her already. Instead I'll rant to you lot

It's such a long story but the ex is having a hissy fit as my DP won't drop everything when she says jump. This morning she tried to call him (once). Apparently there's a red mark on DSD face and she wanted to let him know in case the school calls to pick her up. Fair enough. He was on his way to work on his bike so didnt answer, so it resulted in her calling his mum angrily then texting abuse as he didn't answer straight away.

She then called him again and was horrible! Said he's not interested in his DD etc then went into say she's signed her up for clubs after school and it would have been nice if he'd shown interest. DP had no idea about these clubs, his ex never contacted him about it and DD not mentioned it either. Why did she not just text and say can we discuss clubs instead of having a go at him for not contacting her about it?

I don't get it.

My DP is so down. He does 50/50 and never lets his DD down. He's a wonderful dad

swingofthings Thu 21-Sep-17 10:23:10

To be totally honest TwoDots, that sounds like a classic case of miscommunication, the type by which he feels that she was unreasonable for expecting him to pick up the phone or calling her back right away, whilst she would say that she'd called 1 hour ago and surely in that hour, he had 2 minutes to return her call.

Same with the activities. He says that he knows nothing about the clubs as she never mentioned it to him and therefore she is not right in the head for accusing him of not being interested, when her words would probably that she did mention it, that her DC said they had talked to him about it, and that he should have asked her about them.

This type of conflict is so common and so unnecessary but when it becomes the form of communication, it's very hard to break from it. You hear it from how he describes it to you, she probably tells her OH, friends or family the way she sees it and both sides think the other one is unreasonable.

Hopefully it should get better as the kids get older and they don't need to hardly ever communicate between themselves any longer. It certainly made it much much easier for me when that happened, the main reason why I didn't object when he got DD a mobile phone when was 10!

TwoDots Thu 21-Sep-17 10:32:55

It wasn't an hour though swing, it was a matter of minutes

I get it's a breakdown in communication. There's no excuse for her behaviour though I'm afraid

TwoDots Thu 21-Sep-17 11:13:10

It would be a really bad idea to try and talk to her wouldn't it?

I wouldn't row. I just want to understand her point of view and see if there's anything I can do to help on our side. DP and ex are ripping each other to shreds at the mo

It's a bad idea to get involved isn't it? It's so hard not being able to help

swingofthings Thu 21-Sep-17 11:30:50

I don't know Twodots. I've read SMs saying that communication works much better between them and the ex than the ex and partner, so maybe she would indeed communicate better with you but I would think it depends on the purpose of the communication.

If you are prepared to listen and think that she might too if taken away from the frustration of speaking with your OH maybe. I wouldn't do it without your OH full support and I think if he agrees, he should suggest it to her rather than you calling her and catching up off guard. I would plan what you intend to discuss before too so to know when to end the conversation if it turns into accusations rather than suggesting solutions.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:15:26

Miscommunication my foot!

It's abusive to be demanding someone answers the phone right away.
Then phoning his mum. Then texting abuse! She is seriously awful. Especially involving his mum, how nasty!

If a man did this to his wife or ex wife, we'd all call it out as abusive.

Swing just ignore her honestly. No idea.

TwoDots Fri 22-Sep-17 09:42:31

Thanks bananas

We are going through hell with her at the moment. Things seem to have spiralled since me and DP went to visit my dad in America when Dsd was on holiday. Ex is furious

swingofthings Fri 22-Sep-17 10:15:28

My God Banana you are coming across as a very aggressive person. Do you ever consider that there is another side to things than your own? Do you ever react to things without throwing your toys out of the pram?

At least reading your posts makes me fully appreciate my kids' SM, so I guess that's a positive for me!

littlehandcuffs Fri 22-Sep-17 10:31:45

Getting kids into clubs at school is a nightmare, you have to be quick to get a place. Maybe he should be more involved with school so that she doesn't have to phone him about this stuff?

TwoDots Fri 22-Sep-17 10:44:09

That's hilarious!

More involved with school?! He's very involved, does 3 days every week and goes to parents evening when she can't be bothered

Typical ex response. There's no excuse for her behaviour. All she had to do was ring him as she's the one pushing for her daughter to do clubs

Busymum5 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:27:13

Hey - I would like to offer my advice if I may.
Your OH Ex-wife sounds a lot like my OH's Ex-wife.

Here is how I cope. I say out of their arguments, I offer my OH support and listen to his rants about her and what she is doing. But I say out of it - I do not contact her. The other thing to do is to not encourage negative behaviour to continue. What I mean is that I let him get all the anger out in a safe place and then I start talking about positive steps that could be taken.

Its a very simple but it hard thing to keep up.

For example you have vented here - this is safe place no one is likely to get hurt or angry with what you said. But now lets draw a line under those feelings.

First things first; Communication (good and bad)
The ex wife overreaction to not being answered straight away - I would just ignore that. This is a call out for attention.
If your OH is worried about how his DD is feeling about the call - have a talk with her about it. Explain that you can not drive/bike and answer calls - it is dangerous for him and other road users. Say that as soon as it was safe your OH would have called back. You may find that she really is not that bothered but at least your OH has explained his side.

Both of you keep your feelings about her mother to yourself - if you can't say something nice then don't say nothing at all. The idea is that his DD has a nice area to go to - free from negative feelings.
It will also benefit you and your OH.
But if you really need to vent - then come back on here lady - that's what we are here for.

Ok the positive - you OH is involved with his DD and helps co parent the best way he can given the situation. His DD will know this and their relationship will only get stronger.

The after school clubs situation - its great that DD is active in all school areas. I am taking it that these are new clubs as the school year has just begun! Now could it be possible to ask DD to tell OH what her clubs are, what are the dates and times and does she need anything for them? Its another fun topic you could all talk about.

I hope I don't come across preachy, but doing things like this helped me and my ex husband work towards a good co parenting relationship.
We put the kids and their feelings first - any thing negative we keep away from the children
For a long time we just text information to each other as we could not bare to talk to one another.
My DD school helped us with our situation with their parent support group. They helped set up guild lines on how to behave.

At the end of the day, OP, the only thing we can really control are our words and our actions. Don't mind her hate filled words - just make sure that nothing can be thrown back at you.
You be a happier SM.

TwoDots Fri 22-Sep-17 12:47:30

Thank you

We certainly don't speak negatively about her in front of the children, in fact we do the opposite. I never contact her but it's boiling over and I wanted to help. I have not confused acted her though, nor will I

Conversations are always kept between by DP and I (and occasionally on here). DSD is only 5 so hard to get info out of

It's one thing to forget to discuss clubs etc with the other parent but another entirely to get angry and hurl abuse. DSD already does ballet, swimming, and is in breakfast and after school club 4 days a week. She's honestly exhausted and often says she just wants to be at home and play. DP didn't push for clubs whereas the ex holds them in high importance so DSD doesn't miss out on anything (not a criticism, just 2 parents coming from different places)

DP and ex had an hour long face to face convo about various things on Sunday and clubs were not mentioned by ex. It just baffles us how she's mad at him not being available to answer the phone and she went on an angry tirade as he's not mentioned these clubs and accused h of not giving a damn!

All she had to do was discuss. Simple

justtiredofcoping Fri 22-Sep-17 13:05:12

twodots - re the holiday,.

Did you DP take his DD on holiday over the summer aswell as going away with you? Do not see why your DSD should go and meet you father by the way.
If he did then she needs to stick her head in!

If he did not - then I can understand her anger. MY Ex has just done this to our two DCs. Went away did not take them, I left them week activity camps whilst I worked so I could take them away on my time off. The DCs are so hurt and angry that they did not get a holiday with their Dad - eldest came home from school crying on the first day because all the other DCs were talking about doing things with their Dad and he did nothing.

I am pissed off with EX for once again being a thought less self serving twat and not considering his DCS want to go on holiday with him.

swingofthings Fri 22-Sep-17 13:19:12

Great advice busymum.

Twodots, on the basis that your SD is almost doing a 50/50, there is bound to be quite a lot of information to be exchanged either way. Do they get together if only for 15 minutes at exhange time by which they can agree to share any information relating to matters that has arisen whilst they were with the other?

I think the problem in your situation is that there seem to be a lot of resentment on either side that is expressed in petty ways. It sounds like the latest on her part is to do with the holiday. Who knows, maybe she was told that something couldn't be paid as couldn't be afforded, and she sees your holiday as a slap in the face that it was only an excuse for not wanting to pay. Or maybe she feels that you should have gone at a time when DD could have gone, or something like that.

It will get better, it really will but I do agree, in the meantime, it's probably best to stay away from it emotionally, mainly because you can't do anything about it but mostly because it is your OH issue, not yours. He picked her, he had a child with her, you didn't (pick her), so really it's for him to deal with the issue and shouldn't be discharging all his frustrations on you.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:26:19

I'd ignore all Exes who are just here with resentment to grind about their own lives, they ALWAYS side with the Ex.

Even when in this case, it's clearly controlling and abusive.

I think your DP should inform his mother to not pick up, it's horrible that she is being phoned up and very aggressive. I would not have my mother be contacted by an Ex. Then I would seriously go no contact.

This is extreme. You do not stop extreme controlling behavior with reason. I would actually contact or look at emotional abuse websites for advice and write down all incidents. If it doesn't stop, see a solicitor.

justtiredofcoping Fri 22-Sep-17 14:08:11

Banana - am an Ex and an SM - so absolute right to comment.

You are so aggressive and anti the EX on the majority of your posts it is getting tiresome.

Mine was a view as to why it might have kicked off re the holiday, an alternate view.

Which at the end of the day - half the posts here are really asking, is this reasonable is it not, what are the boundaries and how can something so small escalate so quickly on both sides.

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 14:31:24

This is so annoying! Seem to have been locked out of my account, so it's me....TwoDots with slightly different name.

I wrote a comment ages ago and will date in a sec...

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 14:32:01

Yes we have taken Dsd away to Disneyland and a camping trip. That was her first holiday in 18 months despite ex going away 8 times last year child free....so she has no reason to be annoyed at all

I had already booked tickets to go and see my dad who lives in California. Ex told DP that she and her DP were going to take DSD down to Dorset for a week. The dates were almost the same as me going away

I invited my DP along as it might be his only opportunity. He's never been to America, I wanted him to get to know my dad better etc. And have some time as a couple! He worked lots of extra hours to enable him to do this and so he still had enough holiday to cover he's half of school holidays 

We have both said we will take DSD when she's older and knows my dad better. (Dad visits here etc) my DSD is not a good traveller so we want to wait to do the 11 hour flight with her. We are not excluding her at all and if she wasn't already away, DP would not have come

I am trying to understand her anger. She can go away as much as she likes, always asking DP to support her but the 1 time he did something for himself, all hell breaks loose 

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 14:38:36

There have been no money quibbles. DP pays for most things anyway, so if it was about money she's got a cheek. His mum gave him a chunk of money for his 40th, so financially it has bugger all to do with her.

The only thing she's mentioned about being annoyed is him not having enough to cover school holidays. He's always reassured her he has but still she complained as she only has 3 days left. In the past DP supported her a lot so he did the majority of the care in holidays and his ex went on holidays. Honestly, this is no exaggeration . So a month ago she was asking him to take holiday to have DSD so she could visit her mum in Sweden. She was going to be using her own holiday to go to Sweden (without DD). This is ok for her to do, but not the other way around (DP did not ask ex to help him out either)

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 14:40:28

DP and I are good, fair and considerate people. All we ask for is fairness and consideration from her and done healthy boundaries

I rant on here as it's a good outlet but I am tired of how hard she makes things

Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 22-Sep-17 14:47:23

I think you are going to get nowhere on these boards twodots. You'd be better off reading stepmonster or some of the other more balanced and useful websites out there.

You have nothing wrong and you do not have to justify it to bitter Exes on these boards who are never going to read your posts and reply in a balanced way.

Ignore anyone trying to shut you or me down by labeling us as unreasonable or me aggressive for pointing out the obvious.

The holiday is a red herring. Read the red flags for abusive relationships on another thread and elsewhere. Your DPs Ex is being abusive, and silly Exes replying do not take away from what is very clear. If your DPs Ex is upset, she can bring it up in a reasonable way.

It is never, ever, ok to demand that a phone call is answered straight away and never, ever ok to send abusive texts and escalate the situation to abusive levels. That is all on her. Ignore. Or insist she apologizes.

I wouldn't stoop to an abusive level back though. But help your DP have stronger boundaries. 50/50 care is not an open gateway for abusuvd texts! Full stop.

justtiredofcoping Fri 22-Sep-17 14:58:17

Bananas - butt out, you are not the sole authority on everything SM related.

I asked a reasonable question with an explanation behind why I asked and Twodots gave a great answer so we all understand the scenario a little better.

The scenario does not exist -ergo no justification for the EX anger.

Personally I would just let it go and ignore, which is what I did with EXs new DP, when she did exactly the above but with various reasons for her behaviour. Kept quiet and sailed the good ship "just tied" to a position of righteous superiority - i knew I had done nothing wrong and her opinion was not worth my time of day. Would suggest that approach - it pissed her off even more, mind you but the angrier and nastier she got at me ignoring her constant conniving, the funnier I ofund it and easier to deal with it.

Unjustifed outrage is a hard emotion to hold on to for ever - she will burn out

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 14:59:09

Honestly it's all very frustrating

The holiday thing.. let me run through what she has done on the past year, in order, all without her DD

Cottage holiday with friends
Ireland with boyfriend
Sweden (where she is from)
Ireland again (from 22-28 Dec). Was not with DD at Xmas
Barcelona with boyfriend
Went away for her birthday with a friend
Hen weekend
Ireland again with boyfriend

My DP has used his own personal holiday allowance to have his DD to support her. She has taken DD away once. ONCE. To Dorset

DP has said he can no longer support so much holiday. Rightly so. So she kicks off about this one thing we are doing as she only has 3 days left and in the past DP has supported her further. He made a rod for his own back

Regarding other behaviour, it's polite to arrange a time if things need to be discussed. She will ring him at all manner of times, expecting him to be available and explodes if he's not. He tries to talk with her face to face every Sunday

She makes last minute changes to contact to suit her social life. My DP is more involved in school than her, so suggesting he gets more involved is insulting

Sorry, we are just tired of it all

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 15:00:33

Thanks just

I will keep ranting to you guys if ok? I won't get into anything with her. It's just hard to be the bigger person at times isn't it?

TooDots Fri 22-Sep-17 15:02:35

Just want to stress, I love my SD so, so much, and I can't wait to take her to California one day (if her mum lets her)

We are already planning a holiday with her for next year. She's very much a part of our family and deeply loved

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