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Relationship with children's mum(16 Posts)
Hello, I've been seeing a new man for a while. He has two small children with his on/off ex age 2 and 5. They haven't been together for just over a year.
Need advice/perspective really on this.
They speak on the phone almost every day, sometimes more than once. It's about 50/50 of him ringing her and her ringing him, leaning towards him ringing her more. We have the children all weekend but they will still speak when the children are here and in the evening when the children are in bed so he isn't ringing to speak to his daughters. He will ring her to ask her which leggings match what top for dd's, I've bought dd a new toy, general stuff about the children but not stuff I would think justifys a phone call. But then he will also talk to her about places we have been together without the children, where we are going on holiday together etc.
They often argue too. I would say heated discussions, disagreements happen a couple of times of week.
I guess my question is, am I being a bit jealous and should be glad he's so involved with his children or am I right to be weary of the amount of contact and especially nervy about the arguing possibly being unfinished business?
Sounds like unfinished business. Move on, he sounds attached to the ex.
Sounds like they separated but remained close for the benefit of the children. When the kids are still very little, and it is still a bit of a minefield trying to know what to do, then it makes complete sense. It seems though that it has become a habit they are comfortable with as parents.
If this is going to be an issue for you, then bring it up now and see if he is willing to compromise however, if it looks like what feels right to him is not what feels right to you, just walk out before committing fully. My ex were in regular contact after we separated (well him more than I for sure!) but again, that's because they were little (3 and 1) and I needed reassuring that he wasn't doing stupid things (because he did!) and him to feel he could ask advice and support. Nothing to do with our relationship, no unfinished business on either side.
I wouldn't go near someone like this. No boundaries and you'll have such an uphill struggle trying to feel like you are not a spare wheel.
Sounds to me like they're not finished. It's not appropriate to talk about your relationship with his ex.
I would tell him that you think he's got things to work out with her, and that you're going to give him the time and space to do so.
My relationship started like this. I felt like an outsider and spare wheel for a long time. I wasn't my partners priority at all
After 5 months or so I started to say things. He was good and began to detach a bit and put boundaries in place. It's been an uphill struggle though as you say and the ex has not taken to the boundaries well
If someone gave me insight into what a struggle it would have been, I'd not have bothered. That said, my partner is wonderful and putting everything into making our relationship work now. He still has the same relationship with his DD
That sounds like how you behave in a marriage/long term relationship to me. It sounds like they are discussing everything about their life. Its hard as it's best for the dc that their parents are amicable/get on so I wouldn't advocate forbidding phone calls or only 'allowing' talking about the dc either but the overall feeling shouldn't mimic the interactions of a married couple imo.
I think your Dp needs to be single for a while to adjust to the breakdown of his relationship. I'm sorry to say it as I'm sure it's not what you want to hear.
This is what I thought to be honest. I am actually just relieved it's not me being over sensitive.
Is this the first relationship he's had since splitting with her? And does he have any other support with looking after the children like his mum etc?
It sounds like he's got into the habit of rying on her for all advice/information about the children and what they need rather than having to work it out himself.
I think you need to talk to him and see if he can realise that it's a bit too much and that there needs to be clearer boundaries. If he's willing to do it and you like him then I would give it a chance. If he refuses to accept that there's anything wrong and won't change then I think it's going to be difficult to move forward.
A certain amount of contact between exes about children is good and healthy but it doesn't need to be daily.
Run. A. Mile
Sorry, but this has disaster written all over it!
Run for the hills OP. Seriously. So many red flags here.
Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear. I know I didn't want to hear it about my ex who had a DS. But seriously better to get out now than when you're way more invested.
What leggings go with what top? He can't work that out for himself? He needs to stop leaning on his ex and do his own thinking about parenting.
Buttery muffin- that bit made me raise my eyebrows too. Surely the girls are old enough to pick or he could ask OP for an opinion?
Sounds like she is the on/off wife and you the off/on. Find an available man.