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Christmas presents

(78 Posts)
Humptydumptyisanumpty Tue 12-Sep-17 15:25:55

Sorry this is so early to be discussing Christmas but we have the same argument every year about present buying and I want to know who you think is being unreasonable.

DH has 2 dc both teenagers now and we have one ds together. Every year he spends around 200/300 on his dc presents, buying laptops or the latest games console etc. Now I wouldn't have a problem with this is he contributed to our ds presents but he doesn't. I have to start saving in September to buy all his Christmas and birthday presents (ds birthday before payday in Jan) and split the pile in half, I usually spend around 250 in total.

I think that he should contribute to all three childrens presents, he thinks that I am doing it anyway and only have to buy for one I am being unfair to expect him to help, as he has more children. I honestly don't see why instead of spending £300 on each dc, he can't spend £250 on the two older dc and give me £100 towards ds, as he is younger and doesn't need as much.

This turns into a row every year, as he then spends at least anther 100 on their birthdays and ds gets nothing from him for either.

Our finances aren't joint, all bills are split equally except for childcare as I earn more and pay for that but once that has been paid for, I have not that much left over.

Am I being selfish in thinking he should help? The argument has been going on so long now that I'm not so sure anymore.

Margomyhero Tue 12-Sep-17 15:29:13

All three should have the same amount spent on them.

it's more difficult if you don't have joint finances I suppose - but how is it fair otherwise ?

DH has two DC, I have one. We have to ensure that each of them has exactly the same amount cost of gifts - which is getting expensive as they are late teens - and want big ticket items.

XJerseyGirlX Tue 12-Sep-17 15:30:50

Put all the presents off you every year. cheeky sod
Your not being selfish or unreasonable OP

Winosaurus Tue 12-Sep-17 15:31:31

He should contribute the same to ALL of the children. If he says he can't afford to then he needs to lower the amount spent on each child

Humptydumptyisanumpty Tue 12-Sep-17 15:37:48

Thanks, I thought as much, I think as it's been 3 years of this argument, you end up thinking well maybe he has a point.

Although tbf I think because the dsc are older I do understand that the stuff they want is a lot more expensive than anything ds(3) is going to want, so I am not so bothered if he spent more on the older 2, it's that fact he spends nothing on ds at all for either birthday or Christmas that pisses me off and where the arguments start.

Nomoresunshine Tue 12-Sep-17 15:41:30

He should spend £100 on each dc.
You £200 on your dc.
His dc dm will also be buying for them.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 12-Sep-17 15:44:03

This is absolutely ridiculous. He doesn't think he should buy one of his children any Christmas or birthday presents?

What the hell?

newjobblewobble Tue 12-Sep-17 17:55:50

Of course he should contribute! As the teens become adults, they'll get less and he'll get more, so that will all work out over time. Yes, the wee one can have less spent on him, but not nothing!

By his reasoning, I'm surprised he contributes to feeding him! He's got two and "you" only have one confused

How much more than him do you earn that makes you liable for all childcare costs?

PhuntSox Tue 12-Sep-17 18:32:21

Write from Mummy on all the presents.

Ilovetolurk Tue 12-Sep-17 18:34:23

I can see where you're coming from but here are a few points for you to consider, playing devil's advocate. Also you have not said how old your DS is, this is very relevant or what their DM is spending on them

In total he is paying out a minimum of £700 on christmas and birthday presents, you are paying £250 yet you earn more money.

Effectively as he is paying for his two, you pay for your joint one, you are already differentiating between the children in respect of who pays for what

So what if he was to say to you, I am paying x can you pay y so we pay the same for all the DCs presents, you would be worse off

If a games console etc costs £250 then that's what it costs. I do think the PP saying £100 is reasonable is missing the key point that for a teenage DC get the present of their choice it may cost more

Teenagers presents (concert tickets, consoles etc) tend to be more expensive on a discrete basis rather than toys where you can buy a selection for £100. Presumably his DC are on the console ALOT

When your DC gets to this age he will also be similarly expensive, at the moment you are spending your money on childcare for him. Different ages, different cost commitments

Are you taking this a bit personally because you feel your DH cares less for your son because less is being spent on him?

My DH and I each have stepchildren and at any given birthday we see who has the most cash available to buy the desired gift depending on other commitments we have at the time, sometimes we both contribute, sometimes one or other and I often buy for my step DC

Ilovetolurk Tue 12-Sep-17 18:35:21

Sorry I just saw DS is 3 after I posted. In which case I would feel more justified in my thoughts above

Humptydumptyisanumpty Tue 12-Sep-17 18:36:41

I ewrm quite a bit more, so once all household bills are paid and I pay for child care we're both left with just over 400 pounds each and take turns with food shopping. He also pays cm of course out of his wages.

At what age do people tend to spend less on their children at Christmas? Hadn't really thought about that longer term.

But I'm glad I seem to be right, going to gave to sit down and try and discuss without the usual argument happening

newjobblewobble Tue 12-Sep-17 18:42:21

I'm not sure, maybe that will just be me! But I currently spend about £400 on my DS at Xmas and £150 at birthday. Birthday may be similar,, but I hope not to be spending £400 on any birthday after about 18, as I expect him to be at least working PT. (21st maybe!)

Humptydumptyisanumpty Tue 12-Sep-17 18:44:01

I agree dcs cost more which is why o have said I don't think he should spend the same amount of each child but I do think it is unfair for him not to pay anything for either birthday or Christmas for one child.

With regards to presents we have always kept his dsc as him buying the main gifts as that's the way he prefers it. I do buy them each a gift but it's not expensive like their dad's.

I'm regards to other stuff I pay half for holidays, clothes for when they're here etc.

Ilovetolurk Tue 12-Sep-17 19:05:13

Now seen your latest post, in our house the big presents he is buying for his DC would be from us both, not just from dad, just as yours for little DS would be from you both

I don't think you should be buying presents on top of what he is buying the older DSs

Would that seem any fairer?

Humptydumptyisanumpty Tue 12-Sep-17 19:36:47

Not really because I believe he should contribute to the cost of d's birthday and Christmas. I don't see why he shouldn't be responsible at all for the cost

Bananasinpyjamas11 Wed 13-Sep-17 00:33:03

I'd be looking at a joint account for this and other stuff. And you both just choose but all presents are from everyone.

Oswin Wed 13-Sep-17 01:06:59

Why on earth would he not want to but his child a birthday present?! I think you should both save throughout the year with him putting in say 50 a week and you twenty then buy all the presents from that.

swingofthings Wed 13-Sep-17 05:59:20

I think you're unreasonable. You earn more than him, and assume that after he's paid maintenance and you've paid childcare, you are both left with the same disposable income or you have more.

You seem to think that you shouldn't have to contribute anything towards your SS children.

You seem to think that a 3 year old should get as much as spent on them then two teenagers.

I'm with your OH. You don't contribute anything at all towards his children, so it's quite fair, financially, that you should be the one buying your DS presents. I think you are spending too much on him proportionally.

I have two teenagers and spend much much more on them now than I did when they were three. At that age, they were happy with toys from charity, or ebay. The value was irrelevant and I could find great deals. As teenagers, they don't have high expectations, and have fewer gadgets and nice clothes than their peer, but what they need is not something I can just get a bargain on. A football shirt, a laptop, contribution towards driving lessons etc... the cost of these can't be compared with how much you need to spend to please a 3 yo.

swingofthings Wed 13-Sep-17 06:00:25

By the way, I buy all my kids' presents but my OH will always give them some cash.

LML83 Wed 13-Sep-17 06:11:50

He should be treating them all equally. I would mind if he didn't want to shop for dc (as I enjoy it more) but if u need the help I would insist.
how does he have 600 disposable income for his kids and you don't for yours? sounds like other aspects of the seperate are unfair.

andbabymakesthree Wed 13-Sep-17 06:21:40

I'd not be looking at a joint account! He doesn't treat DS fairly. I'd be wondering why we were together!

errorofjudgement Wed 13-Sep-17 06:56:25

Perhaps as a family you and your DH should sit down and work out what Christmas costs your family, including buying gifts for all the members of the family, including YOUR step children, and split the costs 50:50.
As others have said, your DH is currently spending a lot more than you.

Winosaurus Wed 13-Sep-17 07:22:17

What would happen if you split? Would he then start buying for his DS too? He should be buying for all 3 kids, but then again I think you should be contributing to the SCs presents also.
His logic in not contributing makes no sense. He has 3 kids he should contribute to them all!
Maybe agree an amount to split 3 ways and you both contribute to the pot and make it clear to all the kids the presents were joint.
I know you earn more than your DP but I bet your childcare costs are more than the maintenance he pays confused

Humptydumptyisanumpty Wed 13-Sep-17 11:36:17

We have the same disposable income after everything paid, I earn more but due to childcare we are left with the same. My childcare costs and far more than his maintenance payments

I do contribute to his children all through the year, we go halves on holidays, I pay for food when down, if they need clothes etc when down I'll often take them out to get them etc. The only thing that isn't split is presents and because he wants to buy them and always has, he says they're his children. I buy presents for the extended family so all he pays for his their Christmas bad birthdays and nothing towards anything else.

As I said I don't expect him to spend the same amount at all but some contribution would be good and I don't think 250 for both birthday and Christmas is that extravagant for presents. Particularltbwhen he is spending 300 each dad just for Christmas

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