How can I break it im pregnant

(18 Posts)
stepmum100 Sun 10-Sep-17 09:18:11

Iv just found out im pregnant, I want to wait until the 12 week scan to tell my step daughter (9) but this weekend iv tried to approach the subject and as previously happened shes shot me down.
We are in the process of moving to a bigger house but no matter what, she has an excuse for everything.. she doesn't want to share her room (even though shes at her mums half the week) , she doesn't want me to love a new baby more, she doesnt like babies (which I know isnt true because shes always fussing over them).
I want to include her but shes making me feel absolutely awful. She doesnt understand why I want my own babies and when I explain she thinks shes not good enough. It breaks my heart.
Lately iv had terrible sickness and I dont know if shes twigged but she wont go out with her dad or grandparents/ aunties, she just wants to be with me constantly and when I ask whats wrong she just says 'your my mummy noone elses, and I dont want to leave you' I find this very hard because she has a mum and her mum is good enough (rightly so) when my step daughters has had enough of us.
Iv been her step mum for 6 years and I love her like my own and I treat her like my own, I tell her all the time I love her and show her. Shes very cuddly and loving, iv never done anything to make her think shes not wanted by me.
I'm ranting because shes in a sulk with me, I just dont want this news to come as a huge shock to her, I want her to expect it and be happy about it.

OP’s posts: |
PandorasXbox Sun 10-Sep-17 09:34:55

She's feeling insecure that's all.
What's her relationship like with her parents? It sounds like she's very attached and dependant on you which is lovely but I'm just wondering why?

KarateKitten Sun 10-Sep-17 09:41:49

Older siblings don't get to decide on whether there are younger siblings. End of. I don't think you should have been raising the issue in the past when you weren't ready to tell her making her feel like she has a choice or can influence whether you have another baby or not. I think you should have waited till you were telling her 'we're having a baby' and then she can give an opinion on room sharing (no 10yr old wants to share with a baby) etc. but you will only hurt and distress her I think if you keep putting her in a position of decision maker only to take that all away when you tell her she has no choice.

SuperBeagle Sun 10-Sep-17 09:46:40

I know a couple of families who have dealt with this sort of situation - with siblings around that 8-12 age mark.

They all just got on with it. Told them openly. Continued to show them as much affection and attention as always. Tried to include them in baby-related things, but didn't push it and didn't let it dominate their lives. When the baby was born, any resentment fell away and they all get along like a house on fire now. I think you need to just let her deal with her emotions on this one, but continue to support her as you always have. She'll come 'round.

SuperBeagle Sun 10-Sep-17 09:48:07

Oh, but I would say that her not wanting to share a room is understandable. She's never had to share her space in the past, and I can't think of many 9+ year olds who'd want to share a room with a baby, regardless of how much they adore them.

hesterton Sun 10-Sep-17 09:49:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman Sun 10-Sep-17 09:51:05

I don't think they should share a room. It'll be a tween sharing a room with a toddler. No fun for anybody.


stepmum100 Sun 10-Sep-17 10:12:06

Thankyou for your help, they wont be sharing a room. I thought by broaching the subject it may help as it wouldn't be such a shock but I wont mention it again until the times right and we are settled in the new house. And for the lady who commented first she had an up and down relationship with her mum when she was younger which she clearly sees as an insecurity but her mum has tried so hard to correct mistakes. She knows shes well loved by everyone.. and sometimes the little monkey plays on it!!

OP’s posts: |
newjobblewobble Sun 10-Sep-17 10:12:12

I'll be reading this with interest. My DS12 has been told by his dad and SM that they will be having a baby, (not expecting yet that I know of, but have mentioned this to him over the years).

He mentioned it at bedtime last week and can't seem to get his head round it. Why do they want another child when they already have two? ex has an older DD) I've tried to explain that his SM loves them very much, but she has never had her own kids. His reply is "as good as".

I'm really pleased that he loves her and that he knows she loves him, but I don't like seeing him feeling like that.

It doesn't help that he's been told he'll be sharing a room if it's a boy. His big sister hardly ever stays over (been months now) so I think they fairer way is for her to share as DS is there 2/3 nights a week.

I'm worried he's really going to resent their baby and push away from them.

stepmum100 Sun 10-Sep-17 15:21:25

Newjobblewobble I know my sd mum feels the same as you, shes told me my sd has told her her concerns and worries but shes also said that my husband and I talk about it constantly (its been mentioned 2s in the last 6months) so I know its on her mind even when shes not with her dad and I. Thankfully her mum who has other children understands why id like my own children and shes supportive of the situation.
Being a step mum is sometimes a thankless task but I always want to ensure my sd is put first

OP’s posts: |
TheRealBiscuitAddict Sun 10-Sep-17 17:25:53

You need to just carry on regardless and not overthink things too much. Remember that at the moment a baby is just an abstract to her. Even as you change with being pregnant it's not going to do much for her because the baby is not as yet a reality.

When my ex told my DC that his partner was pregnant DC really didn't take the news well. There's a thirteen year age gap between them and he'd been used to being an only child for a long time. Added to which he's never really taken to ex's partner and this was going to be her baby.

But we talked about things a lot and I said that actually, it can be perfectly normal to be unnerved about the announcement of a pregnancy even if you're an adult, but equally it's really impossible to know how he would feel until the baby was born because during the pregnancy the baby was merely a thought process, an abstract being but not yet a reality.

Fast forward two years and obviously there is a now almost two year old in the mix. And although DC doesn't have a fantastically close relationship with his sibling by virtue of the age difference and also the fact that he doesn't spend that much time there these days, I think it's fair to say that he definitely likes him, and that the negative thoughts during the pregnancy related more to the thoughts of how things might affect him and how he felt about not being his dad's only child any more.

Give it time. Don't be all consumed by the pregnancy, but as the pregnancy progresses she will come round to the idea, and though there are no guarantees that she will love the baby, things do have a habit of settling down.

SandyY2K Tue 12-Sep-17 00:44:07

Why can't her father tell her? Or you do it together?

stepmum100 Tue 12-Sep-17 08:32:24

We can , this was just advice about her current feelings and when the time is right making it easier.

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Tue 12-Sep-17 11:15:39

I see. Wait until the 12 weeks.
Try your best to explain that you will always love her and lots of families have more than one child. She must have friends who have siblings.

Try and sell the benefits of having someone else to talk to, although that will be a while with the age gap.

And of course she would not be sharing her room with the baby,but she can be your super little helper.

Cloudyapples Tue 12-Sep-17 11:23:56

You sd's mum has other kids - could this be the issue? Has she felt pushed out by younger dc? And could be worried about the same happening here?

Bananasinpyjamas11 Wed 13-Sep-17 00:37:32

I told my DS and DP told his DDs.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Wed 13-Sep-17 00:39:01

No right time to make it easier.

In fact be careful she doesn't feel that she's the last to know. That would hurt her possibly.

BonusNatty Wed 13-Sep-17 04:23:32

In a similar situation although not pregnant yet. My SD is 9 and either goes on about how she would love siblings or makes it known that she doesn't. Same silly excuses about not sharing rooms or toys... There would be a 10 year age gap, no sharing going to happen!
Just try to always phrase it like, 'you can be my helper' and treasure her things won't change, you'll still have time with her, without the baby...
The idea is very different to reality. She'll get over it. My father had another baby when i was 17 and i hated everything about the idea until she was born

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