Problems with son during swapovers

[Mrobby13]

Hi guys. I'm asking a question on here because I'm worried about my partner. We both left our marriages over 3 years ago. We live together and share childcare of her, now, 10 ye old son, with his dad. We work 5 days then off for 5 and have her son during our time off.
The problem we're having is that when he's with us we have the usual trials and tribulations but overall he's fine with us. Doesn't refer much to his dad and is generally fine. Half an hour before his dad comes to pick him up he visibly changes personality. When his dad arrives to pick him up he instantly turns on his mum and doesn't want to know her. The same thing happens when his dad collects him from his grandmother's as well.
He loves his dad so there's no problem with him not wanting to go. It's almost as if he doesn't want anyone to know he's had a nice time anywhere other than his dad's.
Its tearing a hole in my partners heart and I don't know how to fix it.
Does anyone else have experience of this?

[lunar1]

If you figure that one out you have hit the holy grail of step families. I used to feel exactly the way you describe your dss when I was a child. Not knowing how to be loyal to both parents without hurting the other.

Both sides need to make sure he can talk about both homes and families where ever he is.

[Janeismymiddlename]

You need to consider your joint attitude to his father and the impact that has on him. I have yet to come across a relationship breakdown where other people are involved and there is no acrimony. You may think you hide it but do you? Rolling eyes at each other? Tone of voice? Inability to be genuinely happy or supportive about anything he says about dad? Sometimes it's not what is said, but the lack of what is said or the tone used.

[sweetbitter]

I can totally get why children of separated parents do this. We've never had the issue to the same extent with DSS, but if we did I'd probably go out of my way to say of course it will be nice for him to see his mum again after a few days away from her with us, and do everything possible to help him feel comfortable making the transition without being disloyal to either parent.

Occasionally DSS has got very emotional about leaving one home and going to the other: cuddles but then a firm "off you go with mummy/daddy" is the best approach and then 30m after the emotion of the transition he's absolutely fine.

[Magda72]

What Sweetbitter & Lunar said.
My kids skip off to their dads with not a bother on them as I made it my business to always tell them to enjoy themselves. I'd then always show interest in their weekend at dads & pass positive comment on what they'd been doing.
Exh however, txts & calls them telling them how much he misses them (sees them twice & week every week & eow) & basically tries to make them feel guilty for being anywhere except with him. As a result they absorbed his insecurity & would be a lot more clingy to him when leaving him.
Has changed now that they're older & they find his clinginess quite silly & tell him so.

[Magda72]

Posted to early.
Am wondering if your partners ex is a bit similar & dss is trying to reassure him?

[SandyY2K]

Has he been asked the question?

[SandyY2K]

Try telling him his dad is coming at a later time and take him by surprise, so he doesn't get time to start acting up.

[SandyY2K]

Another thought...

We both left our marriages over 3 years ago

Was it an affair? If so that might explain things.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

It's called transition - you can research it. It is a physical process - the child has to gear themselves - mentally and emotionally to move from one location to another. Even if the child is happy to see both parents transition is still hard. The process needs to be acknowledged by the adults - so I let my DC just be for the few hours before they go to their dad's. And same when they come back. They need to almost absorb the atmosphere. My DC would be very irritable. So if there has been or still is conflict between the parents the DC will know. I wish transition was more openly talked about and recognised by the family courts. I hate so much the time and energy that it takes from my DC's lives.

[Hidingtonothing]

What's your partners relationship with her ex like? Could she talk to him about it? If all parties could agree a strategy of being positive about the time DC spends with the other parent and paying attention to the body language etc jane mentioned you may well see an improvement.

I don't think a sit down chat would hurt either, preferably his mum and dad together both reassuring him they want him to be happy whichever home he's in and that loyalty doesn't come into it. Poor kid, he's probably riddled with guilt from all directions, guilty because he enjoys spending time with his mum (when he's clearly got the impression somehow that's disloyal to his dad) and then I bet he feels guilty when he's turned on his mum too, he can't win

If the relationship between your DP and her ex isn't civil enough for them to tackle this together I think if I was her I'd be inclined to speak to her son and tell him she understands why he's doing what he does and that it's ok. I'd want to at least take the guilt of upsetting his mum off his shoulders and it might upset your DP less if her son had admitted that he doesn't mean it and does it to appease his dad. I sincerely hope this isn't coming from his dad and that they as parents can get their heads together and help their DC but it's often not that simple

[sweetbitter]

No chance of doing pick ups /drop offs directly from school? I think this really helps rather than going from one house to another.