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Was I wrong/did I word it wrong?

(15 Posts)
takeitback Tue 05-Sep-17 20:24:40

My DSS starts secondary school tomorrow, me DH and DSS's mother all very proud of him as he is really confident about going, doesn't appear to be nervous at all.

At the weekend me and DSS went to a stationary shop to get him some bits ready for school, on the journey home after a lovely morning I said to DSS 'I'm so proud of you, I always disliked school when I was your age and I'm so pleased you don't feel that way' conversation between us continued about various stuff and he didn't appear to be bothered about my comment.

He went home yesterday and told his mum that he is now nervous about secondary school because of what I said, she rang DH and told him to 'sort me out' I do feel terrible that this has happened, it's had me in tears but it was honestly a harmless comment and was not expecting it to cause trouble.

confused should I apologise to DSS, his mother? Have a chat with DSS about it or ask DH too? Any ideas?

I feel awful as won't see him now until Thursday night

OP’s posts: |
Hotpinkangel19 Tue 05-Sep-17 22:24:02

I don't think you said anything wrong OP. Maybe he actually was feeling nervous and he has used your conversation to be able to bring it up with mum?

HelloSquirrels Tue 05-Sep-17 22:27:32

I think what you said was fine. I don't see how it's at all offensive to dss or his mother. I wouldn't be happy about the "sort her out" comment from her though totally unnecessary

takeitback Tue 05-Sep-17 22:54:42

Thank you for your comment. DH says I have done nothing wrong and knows the comment was made in conversation and that I wouldn't have meant any harm by it. DH is meeting DSS and his mum in the morning and they are both going to take him on his first day, he said he will let me know how DSS is in the morning but he honestly believes all will be fine, he said DSS probably became nervous the closer it came to it and that he possibly mentioned our conversation so she choose to blame me

OP’s posts: |
Bananasinpyjamas11 Wed 06-Sep-17 00:19:21

Ouch, 'sort her out'! That's quite bitchy.

Do not apologise. But don't get bitchy back.

swingofthings Wed 06-Sep-17 06:59:36

I suspect it was all taken out of context. I very much doubt you saying this would have shattered his confidence if he was absolutely fine about it in the first place.

He probably related your conversation with a slight twist, and mum interpreted it with an even bigger twist that ended up with that conclusion.

I don't think it would harm to have a light conversation with him about it, but in the context of asking how his day went, and after discussing his teachers, friends etc... just say that you didn't mean to worry him when you said about your experience, explaining why you didn't like it and that your situation was totally different to his.

Don't beat yourself up for that.

Aridane Wed 06-Sep-17 07:09:25

TBH - I think what you said what a bit 'off' - but mother's reaction totally OTT / inappropriate

lunar1 Wed 06-Sep-17 07:16:42

Blimy, his mum and dad taking him so his first day of secondary is going to do way more harm than your comment. I hope by taking him them mean they will drop him off round the corner and let him walk in on his own.

ofudginghell Wed 06-Sep-17 07:30:22

Not out of order at all op.
My dd started secondary school last year and we had many a conversation about school. My eldest ds 19 hated school and dd saw it so we talked about how some people enjoy school and some don't.
I think what you said to him was lovely in that you were sharing your experience at the same time as telling him you are proud of him.
I would have loved if my ds had a step mum who was like that.
My dh is a step dad to eldest but tells him he's proud of him a lot and they share different experiences in conversation etc etc.
It's part of parenting.
I get the impression his mums keeping him in a little bubble instead of him learning about the world.
I would just brush it off op but know your doing a great job smile

HelloSquirrels Wed 06-Sep-17 07:33:34

Wow both parents taking him at 11yo!

DelphiniumBlue Wed 06-Sep-17 07:33:42

Yours won't have been the only comment he's heard about people being nervous of secondary, or disliking school. This is raised at primary school, and pupils hear what others ate worried about,.
It does sound as if your comment has been taken out of context/ twisted, and as has been suggested, it could well be DSSs way of bringing up the subject of his own nervousness.
His mum sounds as if she is overreacting, but your husband clearly understands. You can talk again to DSS, but what will you say? You can't alter the fact that you weren't happy at school, and it might be good for DSS to understand that not everyone s experience of school is positive.

takeitback Wed 06-Sep-17 12:10:49

Yes hmm both mum and dad took him for his first morning at a new school. I'm sure they didn't hold his hand and walk him right to the front door but just dropped him off and waited in the car I should think, it's 20 min drive away. From tomorrow he is going to get the school bus if he is feeling confident enough to do so. I don't really understand the harm in him being dropped off at school in the car on his first day at school

OP’s posts: |
Ilovetolurk Wed 06-Sep-17 12:19:22

I wonder if his mum is a bit put out/jealous that he was having a conversation with you about his thoughts about new school rather than with her. Easier to have a go at you via DH than explore this uncomfortable thought herself

takeitback Wed 06-Sep-17 12:29:18

I'm not really sure, I've always got on with DSS's mum and have been with DH since he was 18 months old. DSS told DH this morning that he would like to come to ours tonight to tell us all about his first day. Mum is picking him up after school and then he is coming to ours about 6pm after a chat with her about school first.

I think I might have a chat with him about his first day and may then just tell him I didn't mean to upset him by my comment, explain what I meant by it and that if I say anything that upsets him again like then I hope he feels he can talk to me about it.

OP’s posts: |
Bibidy Wed 06-Sep-17 13:02:31

I wouldn't even bring it up tbh, it's all in the past now and clearly he's fine as he wants to come and chat about his first day.

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