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No bond with my youngest sd(6 Posts)
I know I'm going to get slaughtered for being a crap step mum, but I need somewhere to vent. I have my own dd 14 ds 11 and 2 sd 11 and 13. Now they all have their issues due to their ages, all can be stroppy at different times of course they are their teenages but I just can't bond with the youngest sd. She's known me for 5 years now and hardly speaks to me, she lies, she hits and tells my ds he is stupid daily, she's moaned I don't do her washing in time, I don't clean the house, I do nothing her dad does it all. I was really upset by this, I do my best, run my own business clean cook etc for 6 of us (they are with us 50% of the time). I told her dad and he did speak to her and made her apologise, I said thank u and let's forget it now, but nothing's changed. I treat her to new clothes, lunches, dinners out, days out, treats in holidays yet she still struggles to even speak to me. I feel like she hates me. I'm feeling resentful towards her though, she never does anything I ask of her never eats anything I cook for her, the only time she does speak to me is when she wants money for something. I don't feel like this towards any of the others as although they have issues and can be selfish, they give back a bit too. I promise I don't show it to her I just plod on and let dp do any disciplining. What am I doing wrong?
You're doing nothing wrong. Some kids struggle more with teenager years and that's that. It sounds like she finds it harder to bond with you and vice versa. Don't beat yourself up. If you know you are treating her with respect, then that's all you owe her.
Take a step back, let dad be the parent, and try as much as you can to associate her behaviour with her struggling with turning a teenager rather than her own self, ie. she might come out of it ok and you'll be able to get closer then.
To be honest, my DS was not very likable when he was 11/12. He is now 14 and is turning out a lovely boy. I do like him a lot more now than I did then. The difference is that as his mum, I loved him unconditionally even then!
I think she finds life difficult to be honest, she's always been a difficult child even at age 6 when I first met her, but I felt sorry for her then and thought it was all quite sweet. She struggles at school because she finds friendships very hard, I feel sorry for her but then I hear the sort of thing she does, she's been in trouble at school for hitting, biting and strangling! Once it was my own ds as they go to the same school. The way she talks to people other children sometimes adults is awful. I think what the frustrating thing is if it was my child I could take control of the situation and do what I think is necessary but I feel as step mum I have to take a step back and watch so I get frustrated. I find it so hard!
As Swing says, take a huge step back! Discuss it with her dad, and tell him, you think that her behaviour needs sorting out before she gets much older, but it's his job, you can't do it for him!
My step daughter has always been difficult, her mum and I were talking yesterday about dreading the teenage years (shes 9) because shes always been a moody mare. Shes always ruined days out with her attitude and strops, iv been with her dad since she was 3 and her parents split up way before that so shes never known them together. Her excuse when we confront her is 'iv had a tough life having two homes' shes had everything and more!!
Kids look for excuses to avoid the real issue. I love my sd and we have a good relationship but she thrives on affection and 1:1 time, maybe try having a chat with her and explaining how you feel, she may not realise it.
She sounds like an unhappy kid if criticising you makes her feel better. Does she have self-esteem issue, feelings of inadequacies? How is she with everyone else? Does she get along with your DD? Does she have a good relationship with her dad or is she behaving like this with everyone, including mum and school?