Furious with SD

[Winosaurus]

I'm so cross with my DP's kids today!
It's DP's birthday and all week I've been asking his eldest (13) if they had bought him a present or made him a card or anything and even offered to take them if they needed help paying or picking up something.
13 year old regularly goes in to town with her friends and on Tuesday was given £20 by DP as pocket money and she hasn't so much as got him a card! I'm so angry with her right now!!!!!
They kicked up a stink about how they needed to stay with DP so they could be with him on the morning of his birthday (I suspect that's because they know I'm taking him out later) but neither has even said happy birthday to him this morning.
I FaceTimed him first thing to say happy birthday and he was devastated.
The kids are acting so selfishly at the moment, it's all about what they can get from him financially and it's awful. He is a wonderful dad, he splits custody with his ex as fairly as he is able and does everything he possibly can for them but they continuously treat him like dirt.
I'm so sad for him, I'm not sure how I can make this better

[Winosaurus]

Eldest has now absconded and got her mum to pick her up without DP's knowledge?! Mum turned up and she just said bye and left the house! He's heartbroken she's behaving this way.
Not sure if she's had a hissy fit and just got mum to pick her up or if she's rung her mum to take her to get something for DP. I doubt it's the latter

[fuzzywuzzy]

In the nicer possible way, op this is nothing to do with you. It's between your DP and is DC.

It's his children and his relationship with them. It's really got nothing to do with you.

It was lovely of you to offer to take them shopping and help pay for gifts/remind them of their dad's birthday.
Could theybe kicking off because they felt you were taking over/nagging?

Step back and let them get on with it. It really is nothing to do with you.

[Winosaurus]

Nope they are just selfish unfortunately. I wasn't taking over but they didn't bother for Father's Day and said it's because "nobody" (meaning mum couldn't be bothered) helped them get him a present so I offered.
I honestly am not getting involved in their bad behaviour, I just don't know how to make my DP feel better. He's so upset today my heart breaks for him.
It has everything to do with me when eldest stood there and lied and said she couldn't get him a present and I had clearly offered several times.
I'm actually shocked at them and their mum.
DP has always bought his ex gifts from the kids and she has even been cheeky enough to request expensive items via the eldest.
I can't believe they didn't even get him a card.
DP always helps my kids get me something for special occasions so I was trying to do the same but they could not be bothered.

[SonicBoomBoom]

Calm down. Step back. Don't get involved. Especially not to escalate the situation, which is what you're doing.

[Winosaurus]

I'm not escalating it at all, that's why I'm ranting on here!
I love how on MN regardless of what the SCs do it's always not their fault

[SleepFreeZone]

You are infantilising your DP by using words such as devastated and heart broken. I can hardly be bothered to celebrate my birthday now I'm older so I really wouldn't be heart broken over my kids not getting me a card or present.

Kids are inherently selfish. It's how they're made. If you're going out later try not to make it seem like you are hiding his children based on their behaviour today as he will undoubtedly get defensive and your evening will be ruined. Instead roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders and enjoy your evening the together.

[SleepFreeZone]

*judging

[Allthebestnamesareused]

At 13 the eldest should be organising it herself.

I get where you are coming from about offering to help and them not taking you up on the offer - which would be fine if they were doing something or doing something with their Mum.

I think perhaps leave it for now but early December speak to SDD and ask whether she has sorted a Christmas pressie for Dad or does she want to go out shopping.

If she declines you can then decide what would work best for you. Them not getting him anything again or you having a back up pressie chocs/bottle of wine etc that the kids could "give" him so he isn't upset at their thoughtlessness.

[Winosaurus]

SleepFree him being visibly upset is "infantilising"?! They could have made him a bloody card! It's the thoughtlessness (actually not giving a shit) that's upset him and I don't think he's BU to be hurt by that.
Well that's up to you not to celebrate birthdays or parent's days but we do and they know that.
Allthebest I agree at 13 she should have been doing it off her own back anyway especially considering she's had a lot of pocket money this week.
I'm just gutted for him.
And no I don't agree kids are inherently selfish, I have two myself and my youngest even makes a lot of effort with homemade cards for me!

[Fairylea]

I can understand where you're coming from but I do think 13 is a really weird age, my dd is 14 but I know she wouldn't think ahead enough to organise a card or present for her dad even if she'd been given money to spend earlier in the week. She would see that as money for whatever she had planned and not think to save any. Bad I know but I do think that's just teens for you! Or a lot of teens anyway. Her dad and I have been separated since she was 6 months old and I always make sure I get him a birthday card and present from her and prompt her to write it / wrap it etc. If I didn't I know she would just forget.

[3had0w]

I am with you 100% OP

I can understand completely why this would upset you, as you said, they could have got him a card/ or made him a card or gift.

Kids are made selfish?? That's rubbish. At 13 his daughter should make the effort to do something for her fathers birthday, and to not even wish him a happy birthday.

You have every right to be upset by this also as someone who is in your DP's and SC's life.

My eldest is 11 and I would be upset if he made no effort for his dad on his birthday and I also make sure he does something nice for his SM too, even if he just makes a card and a small gift (although his dad helps him buy her something)

[Timeforabiscuit]

Your SD clearly didnt want to do anything for her dads birthday, its up to your dp whether this has consequences or not - shes not too young for a sit down chat on manners BY HIM.

It must be horrible seeing this play out, all you can be is supportive to your dp, dont offer opinions or solutions or lay blame - be the switzerland of the situation (or you will just get explosive fallout from all directions).

In my experience, the more a child is pushed the more they dig their heels in, especially if it hurts them in the long run - the only thing your dp can do is either teach her thats its rubbish behaviour with consequences - or reward her by continuing everything as before.

[3had0w]

Sleepfree you may not be bothered about special occasions now you are older but many are and in caring about these things is what stops kids being "selfish"

[Spottytop1]

I completely understand where you are coming from and the hurt that can be felt when cards/gifts aren't received from dc - so I always make sure I help my dc to buy things for their Dad and my sd for my DP.

It is very sad that she did not take you up on the offer to help her and that ex did not help her daughter to buy a gift / especially when she clearly expects your DP to provide a gift for her.

[3had0w]

It drives me crazy how contradicting people are on here. One min it's you shouldn't get involved with issues to do with SC and then the next is you should be treating SC like family and accept them as a package with DP

[Winosaurus]

3had0w I know! And according to one poster I am to blame for being pushy/nagging by offering to give them money and help to buy something

[SleepFreeZone]

Nope I couldn't care less. I don't need people to run around me one day of the year throwing cards and presents my way. I feel loved my my DP and kids everyday so perhaps that's why it doesn't bother me.

He's a big boy now. If he doesn't like how his own children are treating him then it's up to him to pull them aside and have a word. It's not up to you to try and sort it out. I assume you haven't raised these kids their whole lives? They are a product of their upbringing and he has to own some of that.

[3had0w]

Winosaurous quite frankly you will never win and should never have an opinion to do with SC

And then when you don't give a shit about their upbringing you will also be wrong for not caring about them

[3had0w]

Sleepfree I am loved by my family every day but special occasions are a chance to show them how much.

Do your kids get presents then? Do you not love them every day?

[Ilovetolurk]

My 13 yo DS would never think to buy me a card or gift himself. Everything I have ever received has been bought by his dad. If the children have never done it there will need to be an adjustment- just saying buy your dad a card won't cut it

Agree they get less self absorbed as they get older

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

A grown man (or woman) being 'devastated' that their teen/preteen kids haven't acknowledged their birthday is being a self-indulgent child. Sorry. Moderate annoyance I get, but 'devastation' is going too far. That said, it sounds as if this is the culmination of general behaviour your dp is finding hurtful. Even then, he needs to take a step back and realise that it is in the nature of kids this age to revolve around themselves and that it's not personal (and it really isn't. Tbh I'd be more worried if they were falling over themselves to run round him as that might suggest a lack of security in his love and presence in their lives).

[Starlighter]

I'm with you OP! I feel sorry for your DP - it wouldn't take much for her to buy a card and say happy birthday at least?!

Indulging, excusing and/or accepting this behaviour 'because she's just a teenager' is not going to help in bringing up a thoughtful and decent human being. Not great behaviour from the mum either. I'd like to think I'd still encourage my children to respect their father even if we broke up.

Saying happy birthday to people is basic manners imo.

[Winosaurus]

Starlighter I completely agree.

Hetero it's not the lack of present it the lack of her giving a shit a being a selfish brat that's upset him. Even after being reminded and having it offered to her she still couldn't even be arsed.

[Identity1]

Completely agree with you OP. I don't want to label all children selfish etc but I think in this day and age it's much easier to become selfish/lazy/self centred and be allowed to be that way. Much more than it was in our generation (OMG am I actually typing this !!!) SD should reverse the situation how would SD feel if Dad didnt bother with her birthday ?
However that being said what is done is done, I wouldn't ruin the remainder of his birthday. Enjoy your evening and give him a wonderful birthday.

[Winosaurus]

Identity1 thank you. We will enjoy it and I'm going to spoil him later (even shaved my legs right to the top)