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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Dh lets dss rule the house

29 replies

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 18/08/2017 16:05

Please can I have some advice on how to talk to,DH about this?

He and ex sometimes change access if he asks to go to a particular parent's.Fine except if he doesn't like the plans me and hubby have already made he will cancel them. I have said dss should come along and enjoy whatever we are already doing or we can pick him up after.

When we moved in we agreed bedtime 9pm as this gives us time together as adults to watch a movie that may be unsuitable for eg. Dh will not tell his son to go to bed but he also tells me I can't watch anything unsuitable.Dss is 10, dd is 1. Dd sleeps in our room so living room is only place to do anything as whole of downstairs is open plan.

Money is tight. I told dh we need to be careful. We also trying to convert attic dh doesn't help as much at home as he drops everything whenever dss wants to do something eg go out. So I have to pick up the slack. Or get left with baby.

He won't parent eg dss can leave things lying around some of which baby could swallow and dh won't ask him to clear up.

My issue is dh. My dss is a child and is just being a normal child but sick of my dh lax parenting

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FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 18/08/2017 16:08

Also with the 9pm thing. Means me and dh never have anytime. I keep saying we need to have time as a couple and unless illness it's ok to ask dss to go to bed at 9pm. I know kids come first but not doing everything child wants and adults never having anything? I would be the same with my own dd when she is older as I want her to havw boundaries and understand family time, mummy and daddy time and that we all take turns.

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lunar1 · 18/08/2017 16:39

How often is he with you?

stormytherabbit · 18/08/2017 16:43

Your DP sounds useless

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2017 16:45

He does, doesn't he?

Mrscropley · 18/08/2017 16:46

Ask him what sort of relationship he hope so have when his ds is older.
My 2x ds had no boundaries at their df and now live full time with me and nc with him as he just couldn't parent them and they wanted stability and rules!!

user1493413286 · 18/08/2017 16:51

What happens if you say at 9pm 'ok bed time now'. I introduced a bedtime for my DSD (with DHs reluctant agreement as he thought she wouldn't go to sleep) and it's worked well as I'll say ok bedtime come and get ready, DH does a story and it's done.
What are his reasons for not doing it?
I'd start by asking him why does he do these things/not do these things? Sometimes it comes from guilt because a dad wishes they lived with the child full time and wants to make the time they do have with the child as good as possible. Your DH needs reminding that children need boundaries and current situation isn't doing DSS any good. You might need to take the lead a bit first to remind DH.
With the bedtime thing you need time to switch off when kids are in bed as otherwise weekends can end up feeling exhausting

stormytherabbit · 18/08/2017 16:53

Why do women continue to have children with men who clearly show they are incapable of decent parenting?

swingofthings · 18/08/2017 17:05

Can't you agree that he has to go to his bedroom, but doesn't have to turn the light off until 10pm?

In terms of time together, it very much depends how often he is there. If it is only every other week-end, it's not unreasonable that his dad should indeed put stuff to the side to spend quality time with his son. If he is there 1/2 the week, then that's a bit different.

When you say money is tight, what is it he wants to spend money on you don't agree?

He should tell his boy to pick things up and just be conscious of the needs around his sister.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 17:09

How often is he with you?

eyebrowsonfleek · 18/08/2017 17:13

It depends how often he's with you and if it's a school day the next day.

Dina1234 · 18/08/2017 17:36

He probably just feels guilty for leaving him and is trying to compensate. At least his son is getting older and will soon be able to behave in a way that should minimise inconvenience to you. Even now you could try explaining to him (if you already haven't) what things are dangerous to your dd and ask him to be mindful to keep them out of reach. He won't always remember but he will eventually get into the habit. If your dh tells you off for interfering just tell him that you're doing his job for him.

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 18/08/2017 17:40

We both do shift work so it's around 3 days a week, sometimes 4. Dh does half of holidays too.

Dss is fine when I ask.Dh ex has been difficult in the past and doesn't like me involved so it's hard to take the lead when his ex gives me abuse and dh stands by.

I've told so many times his son just needs his dad and being lax out of guilt it passing the buck onto dss.

9pm was the compromise from 8:30.

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swingofthings · 18/08/2017 17:45

8:30 at 10 yo is quite early, especially when really, it's not about what is best for him, ie. getting enough sleep but about your convenience and having time alone with your OH. How much time does your DS gets alone with his dad?

During holidays, it's punishing him.

littlemisssweetness · 18/08/2017 18:11

In regards to leaving stuff lying around is there way a baby gate off an area so he can play with lego/cars/small things without having to worry about dd?

ComputerUserNotTrained · 18/08/2017 18:17

9pm is quite early. I think by ten, ds's bedtime was creeping towards 10pm and at weekends later still. It won't be long before you're wanting to go to bed before he does, ime.

8.30pm is way too early for most ten year olds, most nights. And especially so if they're at their NRP's.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 18/08/2017 18:19

Apologies, I missed that he's there around half the time rather than EOW or similar.

It's still quite early though, and given a year or so ridiculously so.

Branleuse · 18/08/2017 18:24

With a ten year old you get less adult time than when they're babies. It's part of having kids. I think 9 is reasonable though for bedtime. Can't you start with getting bedtime routine started by half 8? Does it need to be his dad that tells him?

Branleuse · 18/08/2017 18:24

With a ten year old you get less adult time than when they're babies. It's part of having kids. I think 9 is reasonable though for bedtime. Can't you start with getting bedtime routine started by half 8? Does it need to be his dad that tells him?

Underthemoonlight · 18/08/2017 18:26

At ten I would have to say 9 is abit early especially on the weekend.

ButtHoleinOne · 18/08/2017 18:28

thats quite early in the summer. What about at 9 he can play in his room for an hour?

As for the other stuff he has to sort his shit out. He can't be fun dad half the week and not Ina year or two when he hits teenbyears

ButtHoleinOne · 18/08/2017 18:28

I don't think it's unfair for you to want some child free time and ask for him to spend an hour reading or whatever in his room

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 18:33

I hate banishing kids to their bedrooms. What do you say? "Off you go, Jimmy, mum and dad want the living room now so go to your room and shut the door"(

It's their house too!

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thatdearoctopus · 18/08/2017 18:41

I know kids come first.

I keep seeing this phrase on here. Sorry, but I disagree, and would at least amend it to "not necessarily." I don't have step-kids, but with my own kids they've never been allowed to think they're in charge. We operate a kind of benevolent dictatorship: we're in charge, but we do of course, bear them and their preferences in mind in any decisions we make, from holiday choices, to meal planning, to days out, to bedroom allocation/decoration and so forth. They've survived to adulthood as sane and pleasant human beings. Don't see why it can't be the same for step-children in blended families.

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 18/08/2017 18:59

Thanks for suggestions. I will speak to dh about the whole 9pm in his room and he can stay up for an hour. I think he tends to use his tsblet in bed when we send him anyway. I don't want to do something that's hugely different from others his age.

We have a 2 bed house, dss has one room and the other is ours with dd. Dh is supposed to convert attic (doesn't want to pay builder) but he only does any work if I ask him to.

of money was £400 for dss birthday but with baby gates wanted to buy leas oem and cheapest whereas I wanted ones that are easy to use with one hand and slam shut in case anyone forgets to close them at £10 more.

Alone time won't be so bad when sorts attic and dd in her own room.

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FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 18/08/2017 19:10

With anything it's me asking and dh wil say "oh dss agrees with that so ok". Surely with dd and dss it should be the other way around ie me and him make decisions.

My dss is a good boy and he is just a normal little boy my issue is dh is so chilled about everything and it takes it's toll. Even with dd I have to organise everything ie nursery, food, clothes. Dh is just fun dad.

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