To discipline or be their friend?

[coldtoes96]

I have 2 DSDs age 10 and 12 and a son age 4. I have always adored DSDs who i've known since they were tiny and we've always had a pretty perfect step parent relationship but as they are getting older I have been finding it harder as my expectations of their behaviour increase. They quarrel endlessly, things like their manners drive me mad (never thanking waiting staff at a restaurant unless prompted, one actually spat out a drink on the ground in the garden area of a posh restaurant recently), they have to be prompted to help in any way...all normal i guess but it's difficult as my 4 yr old is v well behaved by comparison! Their home life at their mum's is extremely regimented and strict (i have never come across so many strict rules...week long tv ban for not hanging uniform up properly or having elbows on a table!) and they behave very well there and by contrast, life with us is relaxed as their dad is v indulgent but he goes too much the other way imo. If i ask them to tidy their rooms he will do it for them for example. They say it is like being on holiday with us. I have instilled some rules which they reacted well to but my husband is not good at enforcing them. It has caused quite a lot of friction recently and as we approach teenage years I don't want to be the bad cop always. I've tried talking to my husband but nothing changes. Do i leave the discipline up to him for an easier life, scivvy around tidying up after them and accept they aren't well mannered? The difficulty is i do not want my 4 yr old copying the bad behaviour? Anyone else been here?

[Gogglerox]

I wouldn't make a huge point of particularly disciplining them but I would create "house rules" that ALL the kids have to adhere to, even your DC - that way you can be firm but also fair.
Parenting is not about being their friend unfortunately, it's about setting them on the right path to be functional, kind, motivated adults and that can't happen without discipline.
My SDs have little to no rules at their DMs house but when they are with us they know what I will and won't tolerate from them e.g. they have to use manners in our home, but I would expect that of ANY child and insist kids say please and thank you.
You can be their friend too! My kids are my best friends but there are occasions when you have to be their parent even if it makes them dislike you for pulling them back into line.
My DCs and SCs may not always think I'm sweetness and light, but they do respect me and know I love them

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Yes I've been there, and you have to discipline them, particularly if you have another child. Otherwise the child will grow up resentful and your household will be tense and unhappy.

That being said, it will be hard as it involves change. I'd go for the 20% of things you'd like to change which are the most important, and forget about the rest. It'll have to come from you too, your other half will not do it and wishing or arguing or trying to make him will waste a lot of energy.

[Gooseberrycrumble4]

How about rewarding tidying

[Gogglerox]

Gooseberry please don't take offence to this but rewarding what should be basic manners and behaviour is exactly why there are so many entitled snowflake kids these days. The only reward kids should get for tidying up their own mess should be verbal - "Well done kids, that looks nice".
Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a whole range of issues. Will they be expected rewards every time they act like a decent human being? Nope. It doesn't work like that unfortunately.
I wasn't rewarded as a kid for taking care of my things, it was simply expected of me and it taught me respect.
Just a thought.

[Gogglerox]

expecting*

[pixie70]

Gogglerox I totally agree. Have 2 SS aged 14 and 15 and they have no discipline at home - I have an 8 year old son and find that our parenting styles here are so different here to their home - tables manners, getting out of bed at a reasonable time, screens, manners, manners, manners .... generally we set rules for all the kids in the house, that way everyone has to abide by them ... even DH! 😂

[Gooseberrycrumble4]

We have rule. Mine aren't allowed screen time unless they have done their jobs.

Do the children have much 1:1 attention from your husband?

[swingofthings]

There are three influences here that will impact on the situation. Firstly, they become to the age of teenagehood. Your frustrations are that of most parents, who have seen their kids growing with the discipline and principles they spent years instilling with pride going all down the drain in a matter of months and thinking where they went wrong! Yes, teenagers suddenly lose their manners, lose all notion of appreciation and suddenly seem to think they don't have to do as told. That's par to dealing with teenagers and involves taking a massive step back and going back to basics telling them off and reminding them of rules/manners etc... Then one day, they suddenly turn into lovely young adults, pointing out other's bad manners (had to laugh when DD came back from work one day telling me how she really hated people not saying thank you!), and actually asking you about your day!

There is then the issue of them feeling that coming to you is a break from the strict discipline they get at home. In a way, it is quite nice that they feel this way, however, it certainly shouldn't mean that they get a full on holiday. They will take the attitude of what they can get away with! There should be a minimum of rules that apply just as they do at their mums, tidying up their room for a start.

You do say they reacted well to you asking them to do things, so I would go with the flow. As long as they do what you say but still come to you for things, still talk to you about their lives, still come and say hello when they first come in, then clearly they are not taking it as you being only the bad cop and accepting your disciplining.

Then you have the issue of consistency amongst all the children. More difficult when the children are of similar age, but when there is a gap, then it is easier to manage, how there would be differences anyway even if they were living in the same household.

[pixie70]

Gooseberrycrumble4 Yes, they have time on their own with their dad as I think that is important. They have a great relationship. However I find that DH is more doting on them when they are here (guilt probs) and our son gets more telling off but that might be my imagination!

[StepMumClub]

I have a very different upbringing than my DH who has two teenaged daughters whom I live with now. They are lovely girls but have the occasional teenager behaviours - rude, ungrateful, bickering habits etc. DH is very lenient with them as he has always been before their mum died few years back. So that leaves me being the one asserting some house rules which make me an unpopular figure in the family. DH is defensive of his girls, which lead to many arguments between him and I, affecting our relationship greatly. I struggle I really do. Many have advised me to care less and prioritise my marriage. I've failed obviously time and time again. I even thought about a divorce as I feel so alone being a wife and a step mother. DH has tried to be more sensitive and understood where I was coming from with "bringing up" the girls. But it sounds like I have made everyone so unhappy. Sometimes I feel the girls played their emotions up and the tears oh the tears which make their father feel so guilty when they don't get their ways. The reality is that they always get their ways and that one time I explicitly said no, I became the really bad person! Is anyone in similar situation?