Almost 7 year old sleeping in our bed, can't cope!

(59 Posts)
elmiee Thu 27-Jul-17 01:58:25

We have my partners child 5 days a week and he's recently learnt that he can come into our room in the middle of the night and daddy will allow him in the bed and so he has continued to do this every night he's at ours. I found out that his mother allows him to sleep in her bed which is where this is coming from.

However I can't cope with it any longer. It takes me ages to get to sleep in the first place, then when he comes in my partner will physically push and shove me in my back telling me to move the f-over and I end up lying there, not being able to get to sleep, upset, angry, hurt and having to listen to them pair snoring getting a great nights sleep.

I spoke to him last week about it and made it clear that I can't have the child sleeping in our room and that my backs been sore from being rammed into and I thought he got the message but last night (the first night we have the kid back after last week) it happened again and was told "if I don't like it I can find somewhere else to sleep". I got 2 hours sleep last night and he has the cheek to ask how I was feeling this morning.

Thing is, I'm from the UK originally but am in NZ. I work 70 hours a week to be able to save and afford to put in for my residency, to be able to stay here, to stay with them, to which is hasn't offered to contribute to despite it being in his best interests. I NEED MY SLEEP. I don't see why I should be banished out of my own room. I'm currently sat at work, 4 hours into my 14 hour working day, wanting to cry from backache and surviving on 2 hours of sleep.

I don't get what else I can do if he clearly has no regard for me. I could almost understand if I wasn't paying half his mortgage, the bills, food and doing all the housework but I do more than my fair share and pay more than enough to be able to have a decent nights sleep in my own bed.

Is it a matter of put up with it or leave? In which case means returning to England.

OP’s posts: |
MeanAger Thu 27-Jul-17 02:08:06

I am posting here as mother with my 8yo still sleeping in my bed. I wouldn't put up with it in your shoes. Is there a spare room you could sleep in on nights your SDC is staying? Failing that could you sleep in the SDCs bed and have DP put the child to sleep in your bed?

mohuzivajehi Thu 27-Jul-17 02:14:55

1 or 2 nights a week I might say something different but 5 nights a week is unacceptable.

Make yourself up a bed on the sofa for now. You can't make good decisions when sleep deprived. Sleep on the sofa for a few nights until the sleep deprivation abates before deciding your next step.

Would it be completely unfeasible to move out and live independently? It's not massively unreasonable for your DP to prioritise his DS's wellbeing over yours but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look after yourself. You need a place you can rest overnight. Currently you are contributing $xxx to a household where you do not get that need fulfilled.

Either you need to remove yourself and your money to set up separately, or the existing household needs to be juggled to meet everyone's needs.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Thu 27-Jul-17 02:15:14

Why does it mean returning to England.

I used to co-sleep with my one and he currently in my bed now as he woke up as not well but I will move him back to his bed. He fidgets none stop drives me bonkers and it's just me in my bed.

HerRoyalNotness Thu 27-Jul-17 02:16:34

Are you dependant on him for residency?

I wouldn't put up with this at all. I'd move into the spare room and leave as soon as residency is achieved

elmiee Thu 27-Jul-17 02:20:32

I don't feel that I should have to move out of my own room though, if I'm moving out of my room 5 days a week, I might as well move all my stuff out rather than wake up every morning, have to go into what should be my room to get my own clothes and things I need for work, to then have to get dressed in the spare room, in which case I might as well move out of the house all together where it would be cheaper for me to live on my own AND have my own room.

In my chat to him last week about it I did say that I didn't mind it happening every now and again i.e if the child was actually scared or something, so it's not like I haven't tried to compromise on the situation either.

OP’s posts: |
soapboxqueen Thu 27-Jul-17 02:28:28

Some children need this and some don't. For some it is only occasional. It can be disruptive on sleep but you have to work around it, or not. I'm in the 'they'll stop coming in when they are ready' camp. Yes I often have to move beds because my husband can't easily. I often have my 8yo (sen) and 4 year old in with us. We bought a bigger bed to help us with the situation.


elmiee Thu 27-Jul-17 02:28:46

[b]Are you dependant on him for residency?[/b]

Sadly yes, the residency is based on partnership and there is no other way I would be able to obtain it outside of the relationship. But other than this issue in this post there's other ongoing issues that makes me think is it worth it? I'd have to put up with everything for a couple of more years.

Last nights incident and the way he spoke to me and pushed me makes me think that he doesn't value me and that I am really just a glorified cleaner, rent payer, babysitter so he can do his sport 2 evenings a week and now the final straw is that I can't even sleep in my own bed when working 70 hours a week and no days off is killing me. His parents are 4 hours away, mine are 19,000kms away so it's not like I have family support either.

Suppose I'm scared of making the wrong decision because it will be such a life changing one.

Also, to make myself ever more pathetic half of whats stopping me freeing myself is my bloody cat child!

OP’s posts: |
mohuzivajehi Thu 27-Jul-17 02:59:58

You are right that you shouldn't have to "move out of your room". 5 nights a week is as close to full-time as makes no odds. If you don't decide to leave, the bedroom that is currently considered DS's should become your own room and DS can have a truckle bed in the master bedroom.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 27-Jul-17 03:10:39

my partner will physically push and shove me in my back telling me to move the f-over sad

I went through residency and citizenship with my DH. Only because I loved and trusted him and knew it was worth leaving my friends, family, job and home for. Is there any other way to get residency? Or maybe a return to the UK is better.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 27-Jul-17 03:11:32

I know you said there wasn't. I just wanted to know whether you'd actually researched. Like immigration lawyer researched...

HerRoyalNotness Thu 27-Jul-17 03:15:06

Yes the way he is treating you is a big issue here

Is your occupation on the needed/shortage list for nz?
Could your employer sponsor you instead?

nooka Thu 27-Jul-17 03:24:45

I guess the fundamental question is how much do you want to stay in NZ. If your reasoning is to do with being with your partner then I'd leave and return to your friends and family in the UK. If it's more than that then you need to weigh up if it really is worth it, and yes explore if there are other ways to stay that aren't reliant on a relationship with a New Zealander. One thing to consider is whether you can really sustain the relationship in the longer term as it sounds as if the relationship is on the path to failure already, and I'd hate for you to stick it out and then things to fall apart just before your qualify. Plus it sounds like your status is probably a stick your partner can beat you with.

Mum2OneTeen Thu 27-Jul-17 03:41:27

This situation sounds awful OP. Is there enough room in the SS's room to install a bigger bed so the father can go in there to sleep with the SS rather than the SS coming into your bed? Would he be will be willing to do that for your well-being? The relationship does sound as if it has problems though. It sounds as though you are being exploited somewhat. Would you want to continue to live in NZ if you weren't in this relationship?

elmiee Thu 27-Jul-17 03:44:05

I haven't seen an immigration lawyer but I have researched to no end of other options. I'm not on the skilled list - Currently working doing invoices and also working in a bar, previously was working in a Lawyers doing admin which I've done for years, had hoped going back into a Lawyers when I first came to NZ that it would be a good chance of work sponsorship as had always wanted to do it of my own back but nothing ever came of it. My two current jobs wouldn't sponsor me.

I haven't got enough points to do the point skilled system because of lack of qualifications - I was home educated and wasn't put in to sit my GCSE's, I've worked my way up in the job world starting from McDonalds back in the day, did Keyskills when I went to college and did a BTEC ND in Outdoor Education but that's the extent of my qualifications.

I'm really not sure how much I want to stay in NZ, I came here with little money and got a job straight away and met my current partner a few months later, I've been so busy working and with him having a child I've actually not seen much of NZ, so it's hard to decide of NZ is for me when the only thing I have to base it on is where I've been living the last couple of years.

It's been 3 years since I've been home now, I can't remember what it was like living wise. Would I only be able to afford to live in a shared house, or is it feasible to live in my own 1 bed place and be able to afford the odd thing from Primark every now and again (OMG, primark, I miss you. And Soap and Glory. And buying a cucumber for 50p instead of $6/3pounds. And transport, TRAINS!)

I think I scared because I'm 28 now, it's not like I set off in my very younger days, I am getting older now, I sold everything down to knifes and forks when I left, I went to Australia for a year, I came to NZ and started my life over yet again for "a better life" and now to consider going back to start all over again eek.

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Thu 27-Jul-17 03:56:04

I've been so busy working and with him having a child I've actually not seen much of NZ, so it's hard to decide of NZ is for me when the only thing I have to base it on is where I've been living the last couple of years. Would it be a terrible idea to blow some of the immigration money, strap on a backpack and see new Zealand? Work out how much you actually want to be there.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 27-Jul-17 03:56:30

BTW I loved NZ but I wouldn't live there.

Pallisers Thu 27-Jul-17 04:06:46

Go home. You are very young. 28 is young. go back to the UK, figure out a job and home.

I would put up with a lot from a child wanting to sleep in my bed but I wouldn't put up with being pushed in the back, being told to fucking move and being treated like crap.

Do you have family or friends in UK? The years you spent in NZ and Australia aren't wasted - they were years you spent deciding what you wanted. Don't stay with someone who is a bastard just because of residency.

I am in my 50s. 28 is so so young- years of change ahead of you. I emigrated at age 29, changed my career, made new friends, had children. Don't let your age hold you back.

swingofthings Thu 27-Jul-17 05:57:19

Two issues, your relationship, the arrangement with the child.

Arrangement with the child can come with solutions. This could involve agreeing to sleep in another bed temporarily, getting a bigger bed, getting a bigger bed in SS's room for your OH to go and join him, saying no to DSS. All things to be discussed and agreed.

That is if your relationship allows such communication. It doesn't sound to be the case though, so the above becomes redundant.

beingsunny Thu 27-Jul-17 06:16:42

Are you applying for residency via a partner visa?
In the meantime I would sleep in the child's bed,

SawItWritten Thu 27-Jul-17 06:17:13

Where are you based OP? I'm another British expat living in NZ (with a kiwi DP). On a partnership work visa at the moment.
Would definitely recommend taking some time out to explore the country, if that is possible.

ohamIreally Thu 27-Jul-17 06:33:31

Come back to us OP we're having a lovely summer. We can go to Primark on Oxford St together and I'll make you a strong cup of Yorkshire tea after. Don't stay there with a jerk and work yourself to death.

babsjonhson Thu 27-Jul-17 06:40:02

The problem isn't the child. Mind gets in my bed. If my partner treated me like that we would be over. He's swearing at you and bruising you? LTB

banannabreadforme Thu 27-Jul-17 06:44:14

If your partner is pushing you away by hurting your back to the point your in pain during the day, this is abuse. If loved you and valued your relationship he wouldn't physically harm you and he'd listen to your concerns.
Do you love him? Is this the man you can imagine spending the rest of your life with? He doesn't sound very nice.
Cut your losses, go on a trip of the places you want to see in New Zealand and come back home to the uk. This man belongs in your past.

Crispdeficiency Thu 27-Jul-17 06:49:33

Speaking as someone who effectively (aside from one or two visits a year) gave up their family, friends, career etc, to be with their dh abroad, I would say that the man has to be 100% worth it. Fortunately, dh is fantastic but it is a very tough road, even with a great, solid relationship between us.

I would not put up with being spoken to so direspectfully. Have you tried to discuss this issues with your dp when it is not the middle of the night and when you have some free time together? How is the rest of your relationship going? You say you do all of the housework, why is that?

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