Ok, so my name is Abigail and I'm a very young (21) (not step mum) step mum. I say not step mum because me and their father aren't married, but they like to call me step mum. This is just a little snippet into my life and I felt I needed somewhere to vent with people who probably know where I'm coming from, as none of my friends even have their own kids, never mind someone else's!
Thanks for reading, and I hope to make some friends!
I don't think I ever realised when I first got introduced as Andrews girlfriend to these 2 little people how drastically my life was going to change.
I'm only 21 years old, and I get asked all the time 'is it hard?' 'how do you do it?' And my genuine response is; yes, it's the hardest job in the world, but the rewards are amazing.
I walked into their lives at a time when their mum and dad and everything they had ever known and loved had fallen apart. Daddy moved out and mummy moved house. I received texts every night from Andrew upset or crying about how hard it was to put them to bed in tears, and how much of a bad dad he felt for making them feel this way. At this point I knew Oliver and Isabel, but not how I know them today.
I have to give the kids credit, they have dealt with a traumatic time amazingly well, we have had ups and downs, crying and sadness, and questions that sometimes we don't know how to answer, but a year on, we put them both to bed on a night with a smile on their faces, and we wake up to them smiling and happy, and I'm sure their mam would agree, the kids are happiest than they have every been.
Now it's not my place to discuss what happened, how we are where we are today, or what mine and Andrew's relationship is like (great btw), but it's to discuss a part time job I have that I never realised was so hard, until right this second.
The kids are perfect, they are both beautiful, kind hearted children, with thoughts beyond their years and the heads and minds of teenagers, with the attitude as well, but through the telling off and the strops, every day I laugh at them, laugh with them, hug and kiss them, and remind them how much we all love them.
I work full time, and my job is relatively demanding, but it doesn't make me work any later than 5pm on a night, and I feel that's a blessing. We share the kids with their mam (who is a bloody great mam), meaning we have them roughly 3 times a week. Now that may not seem a lot to you full time mums and dads, and don't get me wrong, hats off to you, you're all amazing and strong women and men, and I bow down to you all, but for a previously single and free 21 year old, it's a struggle. A year and a half ago I would have been rolling in at 6am singing Cmon Eileen with a bottle of prosecco in my hand and make-up smeared all over my face, but now at 6am, I'm clinging onto the bed sheets and trying to block out the noise of Isabel or Oliver demanding Nutella on toast or asking where the TV remote is.
I would have previously rolled in from work at 5pm and text the girls asking 'quiz night and beer????' But now I roll in and start my second job as house wife, step mum, puppy sitter and girlfriend, and it's a tough gig. Between the home made food I force myself to make every night, tidying up the candle or plastic bottle the puppy has devoured or arguing with Isabel about why it's important to eat veg and why I can't just feed her toast and beans every night, I find it hard to even grab a moment to think. When bed time comes (8pm in this house) me and my very patient and supportive other half sit on the couch, and take a breathe, but then I remember that Ollie needs new socks, or his teacher needs a leaving gift, or it's Isabel's red and white day tomorrow and I have no red or white clothes, so it's up again, and flying off to the local supermarket to grab what I can. By 11pm we're exhausted, but we still manage a bicker and cuddle in bed watching shite TV before we fall into a deep sleep.
Now for most of you full time mums and dads with your own kids, you'll read this and think 'that's my life 7 days a week' or 'I could do that in my sleep', and again, hats off ladies and gents, you're all my idols! But at times, I break down. I cry to Andrew and I complain about wanting my old life back, my spontaneous trips to Manchester or Sheffield, and my nights of doing nothing but eating doritos, but as I sit now in the bath, I feel like the complaining I do is justified, but God I wouldn't change my life.
Those 2 kids who tell me I smell, also tell me they love me 25 times a day. Those kids who turn their faces up at the words 'it's time for bed' also cuddle me to death when they are finally in bed and tell me they want me to stay. Those kids who cry from time to time about missing their mammy, also tell me that I'm doing a great job at being their part time mammy, and those kids who trash my house and eat all my food, also walk out of my house with stories to tell and new menwories to treasure.
I thank their mam every day, because I'm not taking over her role, they don't need another full time mammy, they need a part time mammy who can remind them of their own mam who they miss when the are away, they need the genuine love of a woman they feel they miss when they stop and realise that their lives have changed, and they need someone to help them to spell and read books with when daddy has to work late.
I'm not married to Andrew, I'm not officially their step mam either, but the kids asked me one day if they could call me it, and it was the best day of my life.
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A place to vent
abigailoxo · 23/07/2017 21:21
Welcome.
You may be a little misguided about the 'making new friends' thing, this forum is notoriously awful to step parents I'm afraid.
I'm a step mum and enjoy it immensely, and agree it can be very hard.
Don't be a martyr and don't lose who you were before you met the kids. There's no reason why you still can't go out with friends, you're 21!! 
If you completely lose your identity and give up everything resentment can very easily build up.
Also
they don't need another full time mammy, they need a part time mammy
No, they don't. If you're saying you're a part time mum does that not then entail that you believe their mother to also be a part time mum?
You are their dads girlfriend. I call my Stepkids my 'little buddies' so there is no confusion. I do everything you have mentioned and more, not because I am a 'part time mum' but because I care about them and they are an extension of my DP whom I adore.
That said, last night I went out for a very messy night out with the girls and had a whale of a time, I slept in until 10 and have pretty much be useless all day.
But before I went I threw DSS a suprise birthday party, spent a good hundred quid and about 3 hours decking out the house, making party games etc. So I will not feel guilty for going out, and neither should you.
Remember that anything you do for your partner's children is a bonus, not an obligation. If he was single he'd have to do it all himself.
Don't be a hero and don't lose who you were before.
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