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Step-parenting

Do I say anything to DS step-mum

34 replies

em93 · 23/07/2017 09:52

So I'm just after abit of advice on what to say or do or to just leave it.

Abit of back storey I have 2 children DS7 (with ex) and DD1 (with husband). My father takes the kids away all the time on weekends away, they love it. Well everything was planed told my ex you won't be having DS this Sunday as he's going away, he was fine about it. My father rang me and said there had been a double booking so will have to be next weekend (he told me this the day they was going). So anyway my ex turned up to say good bye have a good weekend to DS, I explained everything to him that it's next week instead. So I said he could have him on his day Sunday again. He looked gone out at me and said I have plans I'm going to The Deep with my partner and her sisters kids. BTW he never plans days out with our son they do nothing and I was heart broken for DS as he kept asking why don't we ever go any where, don't you want me to come? To my amazement he then uttered well my partner can't cope with our DS??? I was shocked he's 7! Apparently she likes him it's just that she likes days out with out him?

Do I leave it? Do I say anything?
I explained to DS that he was not worry about it and that he will be going loads of places this 6weeks holidays anyway but he looked crushed.

Sorry it was long (first time post)

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 23/07/2017 09:57

It's the father of speak to rather than the step mum. He's using his partner as an excuse when he should be arranging activities with his son with or without her.

em93 · 23/07/2017 10:02

Thanks for writing back. Ye I agree, but I have tried to speak to him but he just doesn't see where I'm coming from. I thought if I could speak to her and get her side of the story see if she does think that. Bcoz if he doesn't want his child it's no skin of my nose, he only see's DS on a Sunday so not a lot. You'd think he would make it extra special but no!

OP posts:
Littlefish · 23/07/2017 10:08

So you changed the original arrangement so the children. outdoor go away with their grandfather. Then, you changed it back again and just expected him to be available, without considering that he might already have made plans with his partner? HAve I understood that correctly?

Obviously, you need to have a conversation about the comments he's made about his partner's feelings towards his child, but I think your behaviour was quite disrespectful.

Littlefish · 23/07/2017 10:10

Full of typos! Should say - changed the original arrangement so they could go away...

kittybiscuits · 23/07/2017 10:10

What littlefish said!

EsmeeMerlin · 23/07/2017 10:14

Echo again what LittleFish said!

Yes the comments about his partner need to be addressed but you should not have expected your ex to take ds at short notice after telling him he won't be having him. Especially in front of your ds making your ex the bad guy when the ex said we have plans without ds.

LimesAndCoconuts · 23/07/2017 10:17

I think you are missing the point pp's. The main issue isn't that she is demanding he take ds. The issue at hand is the fact that he doesn't take ds anywhere and seems to be using his new partner as an excuse.

There is nothing much you can do about it OP. You could try talking to him and ask what the issue is...but at the end of the day you cannot dictate what goes on in their family (don't mean dictate harshly). Some dad's just treat their children differently. Its wrong, but there is bugger all you can do about it. (Natch I have experience of this myself in bucket loads!). You just have to make up for the fact his dad isn't that bothered about taking him to days out.

em93 · 23/07/2017 10:25

Littlefish he didn't take him and I said oh you can take have him if you want. I never demanded he take him. You've really taken this the wrong way. I don't care if he takes him or if he doesn't. It's the fact he never takes him anywhere and that he then came out with that. If he has plans he has plans. Instead of saying where he's going and then saying that Infront of a 7yr old, he could have said I'll talk to you later

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/07/2017 10:33

So you want the thread to just be about the bits you want to talk about, and not your own inappropriate behaviour? You think you can just tell your DS's parent when he can and can't see him?

cognacbag · 23/07/2017 10:33

The dad knows he doesn't take DS anywhere, so does stepmum. He just doesn't care about it. Please do not contact stepmum about this, she will probably take it the wrong way. Best is to keep relations civil. You can do nice stuff with DS so he still gets to go places anyway. You be the good mum, dad has to figure out for himself how to spend his time with ds.

cognacbag · 23/07/2017 10:36

Tbf to the OP she probably told dad that he was available just in case dad wanted to see him anyway. I would be seriously pissed off if I didn't see my kid because of some plan and then later hear that the plan was cancelled!

em93 · 23/07/2017 10:38

Lmao I've never said when he can or can't see DS, he choose to have his son on a Sunday and that's it I say to him or he wants to stay over night but get told a different story every time.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/07/2017 10:39

He turned up to say goodbye to the son as contact was cancelled due to weekend away, and when he turned up to say goodbye, was told he's not going now, you can have him. It says so in the OP.

ginnystonic · 23/07/2017 10:39

You changed the arrangements last minute and got annoyed with Ex for having plans. YABU

You are hurt for your DS because Ex never takes him for days out. YANBU

I think you should have a chat to Ex and explain that you feel sad for DS and that he's missing out. Perhaps suggest some outings that you've had that have been successful and that DS has enjoyed so that Ex has an idea of which outings are 'winners', also tactfully suggest if stepmum is reluctant to take DS out that he would benefit greatly from some one-on-one time with Ex.

I agree that approaching her yourself would be a mistake and could damage relations, which you want as amicable as possible.

Underthemoonlight · 23/07/2017 10:56

He shouldn't have said what he did but you altered his access arrangements so your father could spent time with his grandchildren but he changed his plans and you expected your ex to change his back that's is unreasonable. Why don't you take the DC out today

AnnoyedPianoMum · 23/07/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoDots · 23/07/2017 11:29

I understand your point. Please note in future you shouldn't say things in front of your DS, as that has created this problem.

Have a quiet word with your ex, but do t expect things to change. I'd concentrate on taking your DS out yourself

Smellbellina · 23/07/2017 11:38

Have you spoken to your ex about it before? Tbh, the fact he was happy to say that in front of his son suggests he is completely lacking in any empathy with him so talking to him might be like banging your head against a brick wall.
I wouldn't talk to her about it, I would write a message to ex explaining that DS hearing that has really upset him. That how he chooses to spend his time with his son is up to him but, he needs to be more thoughtful of what he says in his sons hearing or he is running the risk of damaging his relationship with him, and his step family as what DS has taken from that conversation is that they don't want him about. He's 7, it's hurt him.
I wouldn't enter into a discussion about it beyond that though, too easy to descend into an argument.

justtiredofcoping · 23/07/2017 11:41

OP - some angry step mum on here as per usual! How dare the RP change arrangements and ask the other parent to consider adapting,they are not there for your convenience, bad parenting, you are being unreasonable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Father has piss poor contact whatever way you look at it . You changed the arrangements, he was fine, offered that he could have him - he could not other arrangements - fine, you seen fine with it. He said too much and should have not done it infront of his DS.

That he only sees his child 1 day per week, that he never takes him anywhere or does anything with him - crap.

My Ex never took ours on days out on the few days he had them but all over facebook were days away with her DCS on his contact days. It sucks. Reason - not enough space in the car for all DCS and his new DP wanted them to have a family day out. Sounds like your Ex is as effing useless as mine was in sticking up for his DS and his new DP is determined to sideline his son out of the nice little nuclear utopian family they now have - their loss, selfish inconsiderate adults.

Really sorry for your DS - some parents are just shit.

lunar1 · 23/07/2017 11:49

The op didn't ask the dad, she told him.

Smellbellina · 23/07/2017 12:07

I didn't know you were there Lunar

kittybiscuits · 23/07/2017 12:09

She wrote that she told him

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AnnoyedPianoMum · 23/07/2017 12:44

No, but I did read the post!

swingofthings · 23/07/2017 12:46

You don't have to take your children out to be a good dad. Plenty don't because they just can't afford it. He can't be such a bad dad if he bothered to come to wish him a good day with your dad.

As for him going somewhere with his partner and her family, I expect it is her sister who had made plans, then his partner saying she was going and then him joining in as he didn't think he was going to have your son.

I think you are lucky that your ex is flexible with visits and happy to let your son go and do something special with his grand dad. You need to have a work with your dad though sio that he stops arranging things on the Sunday he is with his dad.

You can't have it both ways, expecting your OH to accept your demand for flexibility whilst complaining that isn't making plans in advance with your DS.

MadMags · 23/07/2017 12:54

DON'T SPEAK TO THE STEP MUM!!!!

Sorry, but in my experience, that way heart-ache and chaos lies.

The thing is; she could be straight out of Cinderella but it is your ex who's allowing this.

I found sd difficult at that age. I was young. Didn't have kids. Her mum had just had a baby and she was acting out. I know all this with hindsight! At the time I thought she was a spoilt brat! i hold my hands up to it.

Dh made it very clear that she was his dd and that he would be taking her on days out, having her to stay (obviously) and that basically it was none of my business and if I didn't like it, I could sling my hook! I was his girlfriend at the time, not his wife.

He was 100% right. Of course he was. And I just thank God that I wasn't so horrible that I went out of my way to leave her out of stuff because actually she was a fab little girl.

Basically, I went the fake it till you make it route.

I think it's really mean for adults to do something that's a fun activity for kids and leave a small child out of it. You don't sound like you would have refused access to a day out even if it wasn't his assigned day!

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