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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Help me decide who is right

73 replies

bamummy2 · 12/07/2017 14:57

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow, DH is supposed to pick DSD up from school and take her swimming. He does this most weeks and has one day eow. We live a fair drive away so on a school night there isn't enough time to bring SD back home.

Anyway, my parents have offered to babysit our two which is a very rare treat so that we can go for a nice meal. I'm pregnant and was really looking forward to a night off.

DH says he can't change plans as SD is expecting him (This was talked about on Monday, so although short notice enough time to tell everyone!) I never really ask DH to change plans unless it's something big. He hasn't changed plans in ages. He has gone off on one about how little time he gets with his daughter and that I am unreasonable to ask to change it.

What would you expect to happen in this situation? AIBU?

OP posts:

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BubblesBuddy · 12/07/2017 15:01

Probably that you celebrate on another night. At the weekend or a Friday when he has no commitments. It's the give and take you have to have in this situation. We rarely celebrate on a Thursday. Too much else going on, as you have discovered. I am sure your parents could help out on another evening.

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 15:03

Go out tomorrow instead.

I think he's right here, sorry.

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 15:05

Sorry, I meant either tonight or day after tomorrow. You're an adult, it doesn't have to be "on the day".

It was daft to try and arrange this on the only weekday he has his DD.

WannaBe · 12/07/2017 15:06

He is right.

The message it gives to his DD is that you are more important if he cancels seeing her for a meal out with you, especially given he lives with you full-time.

You have twelve other nights a fortnight to celebrate.

Alwaysthesamestory · 12/07/2017 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RatherBeRiding · 12/07/2017 15:07

Arrange it for another day. It does sound as though he doesn't get a great deal of time with his DD and to lose out over something that can happen another day seems a bit harsh.

No need to celebrate on the day at all.

I think he's right.

LemonBreeland · 12/07/2017 15:07

Why didn't you ask your parents to babysit another night whne you knew DH would be free? You are bring a bit precious, it's only a day and you can celebrate another day.

CrackersDontMatter · 12/07/2017 15:08

I agree, you can celebrate on another night.

RhubardGin · 12/07/2017 15:09

I agree with your OH.

I love anniversaries but in this case I would prioritise SD and celebrate another night.

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2017 15:09

Yep move it to Friday. His daughters plans are set in place it would be difficult to change them

crunched · 12/07/2017 15:11

You are BU.
I'm sure your parents will understand that DH's DSD sees him on Thursdays and will extend their babysitting offer for another day.

ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins · 12/07/2017 15:11

Agree with other posters. Unequivocally.

His little bit of time with his daughter comes before celebrating your anniversary if it means he/she misses out.

Celebrate another night.

JustMumNowNotMe · 12/07/2017 15:12

Just go out another night instead?! Why wouldn't you?!

SummerMummy88 · 12/07/2017 15:15

Your husband is right I'm afraid, time with his daughter is much more important than a night out when you can have a night out any other day of the week, would your parents not babysit another night instead?

handsfree · 12/07/2017 15:15

Our wedding anniversary falls on a weekend we have dsd this year. I've just arranged something for the weekend after x

bamummy2 · 12/07/2017 15:15

Probably should have mentioned that my parents can't babysit tomorrow night and then DH is back to nights on the weekend. He will see DSD on Saturday for the day and then go straight to work so it isn't like he wouldn't see her this week.

We could celebrate on Monday night but seems a bit pointless by then!

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 15:18

We could celebrate on Monday night but seems a bit pointless by then!

Why?

You still get a night off.

You are being a bit of a princess and childish. This is life when you have children (and step children).

rizlett · 12/07/2017 15:19

It sounds a little like you are asking your poor dh to choose between making you happy or making his dd happy.

That's a bit unfair op.

XJerseyGirlX · 12/07/2017 15:21

If it was pre arranged then its setting a bad example to his DD to cancel on her. Its basically saying your more important than her and as she doesn't live with him her time is very precious to her/ and him.

Also he clearly doesn't want to change his plans so theres no point in pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do

I would change and celebrate another night OP

SummerMummy88 · 12/07/2017 15:23

If it's such a big deal to you that you celebrate 'on the actual day' then just wait till kids are in bed and get a takeaway, your poor husband shouldn't be made to choose if feel bad.

RhubardGin · 12/07/2017 15:25

Why is Monday pointless?

How will your SD feel when her dad chins her off so he can take you out for a meal? Don't make him choose OP.

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 15:26

There are a lot of solutions here, you seem to be refusing to compromise and only want the one where he chooses you over his DD, like it's a competition you want to win.

That's how it's coming across. Is it pregnancy hormones making you feel insecure maybe?

Just apologise and go out on Monday. Or both make a late dinner for you two once the three DC are in bed.

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iogo · 12/07/2017 15:29

YABU sorry. He doesn't get to see much of his daughter. A nice evening out will be a nice evening out to celebrate yourselves whenever it happens.

bamummy2 · 12/07/2017 15:35

It's not so much the celebrating on the day it's more the chance for a meal out on our own. We have been offered babysitting a handful of times since our kids were born. My parents aren't close by and just happen to be in the area tomorrow so can help out. The offer of babysitting won't be there the following week or any in the near future. We have been out twice in 3 1/2 years without kids.

I'm not upset about not celebrating on the day as we can easily do that the next week if we wanted with a meal in or take away but we wouldn't get the chance for an evening out.

Also not asking my DH to choose between us, I never change plans with SD but they often do and quite likely at last minute she will send a text saying she has plans tomorrow instead of seeing her dad so I don't think she would be that upset. Especially not as its their weekend this weekend so would see him in 2 days anyway!

Maybe IABU to ask but would just really have loved a night off with my DH!

OP posts:

BTPlonker · 12/07/2017 15:36

I think if you can celebrate on Monday do that. There is no need to cancel on DSD at short notice, she still gets to go swimming, you still get a nice night out, and everyone is happy. It seems like a no brainer to me.

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