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Step-parenting

He doesn't want to be a stepdad

42 replies

user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 14:24

So here's my little story. My ex husband had an affair with a 19 year old girl when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby. He moved out eventually to be with her when the baby was 3 weeks old, the other two children were 4 and 3 at time. Life was hell.

2 years later I met a wonderful man, we get along so well and he made me feel so loved every single day. I was happy again. I love him too with all my heart. He has helped me through my divorce and has always been there for me.

He has always been honest about how how he struggles at times with my problems with my crazy ex husband (14 family court battles) and how I raise my children, but he still tried so hard to become involved with my life and my young children. Every time he struggles he would tell me he wants to keep trying because he doesn't want to be without me.

When we got together I was just happy dating him, took me 7 months to introduce him to my children. I have my own house, financially independent, the kids father are around half the time so I didn't need him to be around the kids. I wasn't looking for a stepdad. We have been away on small break a couple of times with the children which was lovely. But generally he has never been involved with the children's activities, which i am fine with as I enjoy time with my children on my own.

I never asked him to become a stepdad figure, the children has a dad. Also my boyfriend is always working aboard and I only have the kids half the time so they don't really see each other that often.

We have now been together for over 2 years and unfortunately reality hits again. He has brought up the issue about he isn't sure about being a "step dad" to my children again. He is 50 next year, his own children are all grown up and moved out and he is at a stage in his life where he has no responsibilities. My youngest is still only 4 years old.

He loves me so dearly and he is sad that he can't give me what I want and what my children deserve. We tried to break up but its so difficult as we are so in love with each other. We want to try but we don't know how.

Yesterday, I ended the relationship with him. I just hate to see that the man I love struggles to be part of my life. I figured that the only way to love him now is to let him go.

I've posted my story in a Facebook group but many people are very cynical about "this type of man". Some thinks he has been playing me from the start and that if he really loves me he should accept my children and be a step dad no matter what. They think he should not have waited 2 years to tell me that. I want to say I don't agree with them. I accept that he hesitated at first, but he tried and tried and it just didn't work out for us.

I am so heartbroken and it's killing me inside. 💔

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WannaBe · 28/06/2017 14:31

He should have been honest with you from the start but it sounds as if the fact that he had very little involvement with your DC due to circumstances means that it was an issue he clearly didn't feel he needed to address.

While I don't agree that love equals should want to take on the children (step parenting isn't for everyone,) I do think that if he loved you he would have been honest with you from the start about not really wanting a permanent relationship with someone who has children, and that in a large sense he has strung you along for as long as he could without addressing the issue.

You need to move away from this idea that you've let him go because he loves you and you're doing what's best for him. You need to do what's best for you and your children and realise that you are far better off without a man who doesn't want to be a part of your children's lives. He doesn't love you as much as you love him. If he did he would have been honest with you and he hasn't.

You are better off without him and most importantly so are your children.

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user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 14:43

Well, at the start we never thought of getting serious. I certainly wasn't looking for a long term relationship and it was fun just to see him when i didnt have the children. But as times moved on we got more emotionally involved and wanted to spend more time together, which also means involving the children.

He has always been honest about his hesitation about the children to be fair, but we were just so in love we wanted to give it a go. He tried and he tried and now finally concluded that it really isn't for me.

He told me he hates himself for being so selfish too but he just can't help but struggle with the idea.

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user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 14:43

*he concluded that it really isn't for him.

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twattymctwatterson · 28/06/2017 16:09

Why would you even want to be with a man who sees your lovely babies as a problem?

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Branleuse · 28/06/2017 16:19

I think 3 children is a lot to take on as a stepparent. If you really get on well the rest of the time, can you continue with just a casual relationship for fun?

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user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 17:30

Branleuse, I thought about staying with him just for the fun of dating. But then wouldn't I be stopping myself from meeting someone who could give me everything I want?

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Lunar1 · 28/06/2017 18:29

I think it's refreshing to see how much time you have both taken over this. He's given it a go and knows he doesn't want to be a full time stepparent.

So many rush in thinking they will sort out the problems later on. Are you happy with what you have with him now? He sounds like he cares for your children and enjoys the time you do spend together.

Are you looking for a live in stepdad? Because you may be giving up something that makes you happy in the hope of finding something you won't ever have.

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user1498579797 · 28/06/2017 18:39

I never asked for him to be a stepdad and i am not looking for one. My children's father is around a lot, I have my own house, good career, financially independent and I am ok without a man in the house. I do sometimes wish i have a same home to go back to everynight as i have no family in this country. Thats what i mean by settling. Not have to lead two lives and go to different houses on different days.

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timefliesby · 28/06/2017 18:51

I don't see the problem here. You don't want a further parent for your children. You enjoy spending time with this man, he enjoys spending time with you. So don't do it the conventional way. I didn't. I'm married to a man I don't live with. I've been with him 5 years, he gets on well with my kids. I get on well with his. Sometimes we meet up with kids sometimes we meet up alone.
Sometimes we holiday with kids. Sometimes we holiday alone. He runs his house, I run mine. And I love him more every day. Different strokes for different folks.

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Taylor22 · 28/06/2017 19:11

He's not a bad man at all. I could never be a step parent.
Does he have to be a big part of their lives? Could you continue the relationship as it was?
Then as they grow older work out how to move in etc?

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Crumbs1 · 28/06/2017 19:14

At 50 most men are looking towards retirement not becoming parents. Sounds like he was being honest and realistic.

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Lunar1 · 28/06/2017 19:23

I'd talk to him and ask for some time to think about what you want. It's all really emotional right now, as I imagine you feel he is rejecting your family.

This man could end up giving you everything you want. If you had someone live with you, they would have opinions about how you raise your children, or may even have some kids of their own.

I'd do some sole searching regarding what you really want before completely ending things.

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EezerGoode · 28/06/2017 19:56

Your youngest is 4. And he's 50... so by the time the youngest is 20 and independent,he will be 66... hummm..I'm inclined to say this is for the best...in my book ,if I was single ,anyone who didn't see themselves as privileged to be in my children's lives ,can go take a running jump...your children are part of you,and always will be..he didn't need to be a step dad,but he did need to love them as much as he loves you...living arrangements can be all manor of different strokes for different folks..if he loves them as much as he does you,it could work...but I'm not getting that feeling from what you are saying..

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EezerGoode · 28/06/2017 20:03

Actually thou....I'm thinking if I was in your shoes...no way would I want another man moving in ,if I was a single parent....I'd be happy to date...but move in ,and wash his socks,pants,watch what he wants on tv..cook his meals,no..it's not for me..not if he's not the dc dad...sooo could you not keep him as a boyfriend..keep yr lives separate,date him.have romantic meals and mini breaks...but keep him for when the kids are at their dads...he doesn't need to be their step dad..he can stay yr boyfriend..if that is what you both want.....but don't let him move in unless he adores your kids

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Graceflorrick · 28/06/2017 20:08

If he really loved you, he do what it takes to make the relationship work. Honestly, he's just not that into you but he's letting you down gently. Move on and be with someone who wants every part of you. Good luck OP Flowers

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Lunar1 · 28/06/2017 20:47

It takes more than love to make a stepfamily work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone being honest about their feelings.

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swingofthings · 29/06/2017 06:48

I think you are totally realistic about your situation. It was always going to be a case of continuing to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for the next 14 years or agree to go.

I can understand both positions. I'm in my late 40s, my kids are now teenagers and independent, and have always been calm and well-behaved kids. I have to say that the idea of having young energetic children in my life again would constitute hell for me at this stage of my life. So I do totally get how your OH feels.

I however understand your position and your longing to be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend. I personally would have chosen the boyfriend/girlfriend, especially as your children are with their dad 50% of the time, but you made the decision that was right for you.

I hope it works out well for all of you in the end.

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hesterton · 29/06/2017 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottie991 · 29/06/2017 07:02

You will get so much more out of a relationship where someone shows care for your kids, They are very young still, Personally when I was a single mum with a toddler and a baby I wouldn't date anyone who wouldn't except me having children.
I was clear from the start that I had kids and if people couldn't except it then that would be finished.

There are plenty more fish in the sea.

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swingofthings · 29/06/2017 08:33

You will get so much more out of a relationship where someone shows care for your kids,
Not forcibly. Respect for them and for you prioritising them in your life, but there is a lot more to making a relationship fulfilling then a man showing that he cares for your children.

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Not plenty of good fish though! I was single for 6 years before I finally met someone I fell in love with and felt I could spend my life with. Inevitably, it came with some compromises, but they were certainly worth being with him.

I'm sure you must have thought hard before making your decision OP, so it must be the right one for you. You can change the way you deal with your feelings, but changing them all together is not something you can impose, just hope to happen with time. He gave it a try, was honest from the start, but ultimately, he can't cope with the prospect of being around young children on a daily basis, even if half of the time. That doesn't make him a bad person.

After all, how would your friends feel if they met a man who came with older parents that needed looking after? Would they indeed jump at the idea of moving with him and then and contributing to helping with caring for his parents, even though they found them difficult and demanding? I bet many of them would choose the exit door, so who are they to judge him?

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Lottie991 · 29/06/2017 09:06

Swingofthings, I think respect and priorities goes without saying thats pretty much standard to what you would expect out of any relationship, I speak from experience , Someone loving my children enriched our relationship, I couldn't be with anyone who didn't want a relationship with them, I think thats a normal feeling for anyone with young children.
Also there are plenty of fish in the sea, To think that you can't find a good man from the millions on this planet is untrue.
I have to say when i was a single mother to two small children I attracted MUCH nicer better men than I had when I was child free and single. I think this was very much down to my no tolerance for crap. My love for my kids many found attractive and happy in the know that if we were to have children that I am a very capable mother.
That I was confident and knew what I wanted out of a relationship.
That I had my shit together.
And a positive attitude.

I have now been married for years happy children and happy life.
Op he just doesn't quite tick all your boxes I wouldnt settle.

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user1498579797 · 29/06/2017 10:10

I appreciate many people saying they don't see a problem here as I am not asking for him to be a step dad and we can just carry on with the way we were. That's what I thought too, and that's probably also what he was thinking.

However, in real life, it is inevitable that if he is in a relationship with me he will have to be involved with the children on some level and it doesn't necessarily mean he has to be physically involved. The children are part of my life, I love them more than anything, I talk about them, I plan my life/days/holidays around them, they make me happy, they upset me, they make me worried, they make me angry.... and these are all the emotions that I want to share with someone. In particular the person I love.

My boyfriend has always been a good listener and always try to give advice, but sometimes he can't keep his mouth shut. He doesn't always agree with my parenting skills or things i do with the children, and he struggles with it. That's the problem.

:(

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thethoughtfox · 29/06/2017 12:50

Be thankful he has been honest instead of moving in with you and your children, resenting them and treating them badly. You need to move on.

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Branleuse · 29/06/2017 12:57

I think him regularly insulting your parenting, is very different to not being keen on being a stepdad

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jojo2916 · 29/06/2017 13:11

IT would be a deal breaker for me but then as you have not involved him in your kids lives he's not been able to establish a relationship with them. If you made it clear you didn't want his involvement at the start that may have set the standard for how much responsibility he would take, I would ensure my partner is a big part of my kids lives or I wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with him.

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