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Giving address to ex??

(15 Posts)
ilikestarwarstoo Sat 24-Jun-17 22:13:13

Hi, I'm in need of some advice regarding SD. My husband and I have been together since SD was a year old. Contact used to be every weekend over night for 2 nights up until a dispute between dh and ex. Since then (1 1/2 years ago) DH has been rebuilding contact by seeing her monthly for days out. Ex started guilt tripping and pressurising DH into having SD overnight again. I had just has dd so it wasn't the right time for us so continued regular days out. Fast forward 8 months and we both agreed to approach the subject of overnights again with the ex. (she had sd call dh on several occasions lately for overnight stays)
Due to safeguarding reasons we cannot give out our address to ex. We have a verbal agreement with our local SS not to give our address to Ex in order to safeguard our daughter. We told ex this (she gave our address out to my ex whom stalked me, broke into our home and was violent Domestic abuse and sex abuse when we where a couple)
Now ex is refusing to let SD have overnight contact. DH is in pieces and blames me and is on egg shells around ex as he doesn't want to miss out on his dd. I feel terrible but I have to keep my children safe but I'm the only one who seems to get this. MIL doesn't get it either and thinks I'm overreacting and no one seems to understand and I'm always made out to be the evil step mother. Wwud? Please help!!

Janeismymiddlename Sat 24-Jun-17 22:17:43

Hmm...there is a sense of 'on my terms only' in your post which is unpleasant.

You don't have to give the address withou a court order. At the same time, there is a need to understand that most parents would be unhappy not knowing where their child is. You have a stalemate situation which will probably only be resolved using the courts.

Doyoumind Sat 24-Jun-17 22:17:58

Your DH has a right to contact with his dd, including overnights. He needs legal advice and a formal agreement - which might mean going to court.

Doyoumind Sat 24-Jun-17 22:21:04

Just to add, overnights shouldn't have been delayed because it 'wasn't the right time' for you.

scottishdiem Sat 24-Jun-17 22:23:51

Why is his ex giving your ex details of where you live? That doesnt seem particularly stable. Why would she let her daughter stay there given there is evidence a man can come to the house and be abusive. Seems like should would be putting her own daughter at risk. Seems very unstable.

Best everyone goes to court to settle this. Your DH has a right to see his daughter but you have a right to live in a safe home.

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Jun-17 22:32:03

OP - his ex gave the address to your abusive ex? That's awful sad That puts you in a really awkward situation sad

ilikestarwarstoo Sat 24-Jun-17 22:36:56

Hi guys,
Cheers for the advice. Just to clarify we decided it wasn't the right time to have SD overnight yet as contact had only just reassumed after a year of nothing and we had just had our baby and I hadn't seem SD yet so we wanted to take things slowly as not to make SD uncomfortable with all the changes (she was only 6).
Also she gave my ex our old address because they are close friends and she doesn't care about his previous convictions or safeguarding her kids against him. (they even had him sleep over there's against ss advise)
My husband is scared to go to court because he doesn't want to loose out and also its so expensive! We have seen a lawyer and the advised it could go into the thousands as ex has always refused mediation!

Janeismymiddlename Sat 24-Jun-17 23:37:02

So...social services says no, you and your partner are aware of,this man staying over...what have you done about it? If it's nothing at all, how,do you expect to argue in court that there is a genuine problem?

ilikestarwarstoo Sun 25-Jun-17 08:33:58

We called Social services in her local area and they interviewed her and then dropped it. They didn't even give us a follow up call x

Janeismymiddlename Sun 25-Jun-17 10:43:00

That's good. But the point still remains that if this man is somdangerous around children, what has dad done to keep his child from harm? At the moment it is sounding like only one of the children needs protecting.

It will need to go to court but you might get a hard time. How old is your step child? Because at some point she is going to be old enough to know where you love. How,is that going to be managed?

Underthemoonlight Sun 25-Jun-17 10:56:23

Sorry I can't get over it's not the right time for me to have SD over night because you have a baby of your own biscuit

AndWhat Sun 25-Jun-17 10:59:40

Could your partner not take his dd to a hotel or another relative for o/n stays?
it seems such a shame for them to miss out on their relationship when alternative measures can be made.

justtiredofcoping Sun 25-Jun-17 16:36:01

Sorry - the whole thing sounds a mess.

Your Ex and his Ex are friends.
You and Ex had a violent relationship.
Your Ex has convictions for what? Sexual abuse against children?
You have a verbal agreement with SS- means nothing.

SS interviewed her and did nothing - if they were that concerned about this man and another child was involved - they would have done something. How do you know he slept over at her house and how do you know that SS advised her not to?

Ex has wanted you to have ONs and you and your DP refused. because it is not convenient , because your new child was more important. Not a good signal. DH and your DSD has been seeing each other for 18 months, when was it going to be convenient to introduce your daughter to her sister. On your calculations you were in her life for 3 yrs.

The EX is now refusing ONs, because she is not allowed to know where her daughter is and you are alleging a safeguarding issue. Bloody sensible mother.

Your DP needs to take both his children to a place of safety and allow them to get to know each other - how the 6 yr old is going to cope with knowing she has not been seeing DAddy but in the mean time Daddy has a baby who will demand all his attention - the poor kid.

Sorry you and your DP have messed up big style and his DD needs to become a priority in your family -not a when it is convenient we will do x and y but on our terms etc. At 6 she will know her own address, it will take a few visits and she will know her Dads address.

Reality check here. Your poor DSD

littlehandcuffs Sun 25-Jun-17 21:52:03

If this little girl is 6yrs old how are you ever going to have her at your house and manage to hide the actual address from her? She will remember where she has been....maybe you are planning on blindfolding her?

Willyoujustbequiet Wed 05-Jul-17 01:55:16

no way in he'll I would let my child stay when I didn't know where they were.

you come across as very selfish refusing overnights due to a new baby.

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