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Partners 20 year old son.

(10 Posts)
sxround Tue 30-May-17 20:04:08

My DP has two children, and the oldest is 20 years old and lives with us. He is a likeable lad, quite immature but he holds down a good apprentice job and has a steady girlfriend. The only problem I have is that he is so so rude to his father. He is demanding, lazy, and very selfish. He will yell at his dad for the smallest thing and nearly always gets his own way. Am I being unfair in really disliking this behaviour or is it usual for a 20 year old Lad.??? He clearly loves his dad and they are close, but he can be so rude and selfish, and although he grudgingly pays £40 per week rent, he completely refuses to help in any way around the house.

BackforGood Wed 31-May-17 00:53:02

Not being unfair at all.
By 20, I'd expect a young man to have come out of the other side of that period many teens go through a spell of being rude.
I would also expect him to contribute around the house - although this might be difficult to implement if he hasn't grown up being used to doing this. The rudeness, however, I think would be a lot easier to pull him up on, in that it is not acceptable for anyone to be rude all the time - I would challenge that at home, at work, out and about anywhere I go, so you certainly could within your own home.

wheresthel1ght Wed 31-May-17 00:57:27

Seems a bit odd although without more background it is hard to say.

My only initial concern would be the rent - round here (South Yorkshire) apprenticeship wages Re very low - think 50-60/week so paying £40in board would be quite unfair. Cod this maybe be the issue?

sxround Wed 31-May-17 07:28:58

He is in final year and gets 130 after tax in his hand a week.

Wdigin2this Wed 31-May-17 09:14:07

You'll probably be on a loser trying to get him to help around the house, but you could state quite clearly, stuff like...if it's not in the washing basket it won't be washed, put clean unironed clothes on his bed and tell him where the iron is, cook one meal for all, if he doesn't want/like it, tell him where the fridge/cooker is etc.
But, the rudeness should be addressed by his DF ASAP!! Why on earth does he put up with it? If he's ever short or rude with you, simple say,...I will not be spoken to like that in my own house, when you can speak civilly to me, I'll respond.....then just ignore him!

sxround Wed 31-May-17 09:52:56

Thanks everyone - good advice. I know he and his dad have been through a lot and ultimatly are very close which is lovely. I just feel at the age of 20, going on 21 treating his father like Harry Enfields 'Kevin' character (the similarity is scary.....) he should have grown out of it.

BarbarianMum Thu 08-Jun-17 08:09:42

There is no reason why the OP should be cooking for him or doung his laundry at all. Point him in the direction of the washing machine and the cooker. When will he be moving out?

FrancisCrawford Thu 08-Jun-17 16:37:53

It is appalling behaviour. It's a disgusting way to treat anybody.

Paying £40 a week does not give him the right to behave like that.

although he grudgingly pays £40 per week rent, he completely refuses to help in any way around the house

He is an adult male who is nothing but a bully.

Stop doing anything for him. No cooking, no laundry, no changing bed or hoovering his room. Let him do his own food shopping.

And tell him that he either acts like a part of the family and respects the other people in the house, or he moves out.

Nobody should have to put up with this.

Johnnty Mon 19-Jun-17 21:42:14

Bit of an odd one here. I'm a single dad of 3 . 1 son aged 21, daughter aged 19 and my youngest is 15. It was an awful divorce and the ex left us all very suddenly for the postman 5 years ago. Ex has very little contact with our children and the parenting has been left to me.

Since then managed to meet a lovely woman 16 years younger than me. No kids of her own. She is great with the kids very supportive and the kids genuinely love her. we are getting married in August.but
Daughter gone off rails a bit and has been traveling on her own in some very dangerous parts of Africa Mauritania and Westen Sahara as only 2 places she chose to go) for the last 6 months. This has caused huge heart sickness and a rift between my new partner and I as she recognises my worry and this has caused her to be very wary of daughter returning. My view is to play by ear, obv have the difficult talk with daughter, but finding it difficult to reconcile daughter and obvious relief at her safe return versus anger at her putting us all through her exploits in Mauritania, Western Sahara etc, whilst still being supportive of my new partner and her worry about starting a new life with that includes difficult step children. Any thoughts?

Bananasinpyjamas4 Mon 19-Jun-17 23:48:46

I sympathise. My DP totally doted on his daughters, and at age 18 and 20 before they left they were both very rude, to me and to DP. I stopped doing their washing but DP just stepped in and did it anyway. I just had to stand by and watch it happen. Unfortunately it now means that they still are quite demanding and rude to him, but he'll never, ever do anything about it or even see it. He'll laugh and say 'oh a bit cutting' but if anyone else dared to treat him like that he'd be furious.

So if there is anyway to make it clear this isn't great, to open your OHs eyes, then you could save a very long time of them always being like this!

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