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Unsure what to think.

(17 Posts)
Missguided82 Tue 30-May-17 11:07:08

My partner was in a relationship with his ex partner for 10 yrs, she had a 1 yr old baby at the time. They never had any children together and they have been separated for 5 yrs and she is still with the man she ran off with.

My partner still sees this child now 15, he picks her up and goes to Mcdonalds ect. It's just him and her. Sometimes being an observe of this, it looks like he has more time for this child, than his own (who are all over 18).

I'm looking for advice on what to think, how to deal with this situation. I don't want to cause any divisions, I havent come across this situation before. So at a loss on what to think, what's right ect.

My current feelings are, is it whilst he holds onto the past. He says he is over his ex. I know anyone can make a baby it takes a real man to raise one. However, this child does have her father around. Like i said I'm unsure what to think, I haven't come across this before. I get it pickin a step child up when you've got children with your ex but not when you've no connections to your ex. It does make me think is he holding onto his past. I just want some advice. I haven't raised any issue with my partner nor caused any conflict, I've been silent on it.

BandeauSally Tue 30-May-17 11:10:14

I'm looking for advice on what to think, how to deal with this situation

What exactly needs dealing with? You seem to be the only one with a problem.

laundryelf Tue 30-May-17 11:17:05

He was a father figure to the child for ten years, from age one. Could you suddenly stop all contact with a child you have seen grow from toddler to teenager?
It's great that he still makes time for his step daughter, perhaps the over 18's just don't need their Dad as much just now?
My advice is to say nothing about it to him and find a way to deal with your feelings about it, which seem to suggest you are not confident in your relationship with him.

NarcsBegone Tue 30-May-17 11:17:56

Your partner obviously cares for the child and the child for him. I think it's awesome that he hasn't walked away and still has contact. He spent 10 (?) years with this child and to suddenly stop seeing them would have been hurtful to them. If I was in your place I would be really impressed that he's looked out for the child, that he cares enough to still play a role in their life. Some people would have walked away leaving the child very upset that they didn't value the relationship they had together.

ButtonMushroomEx Tue 30-May-17 11:20:10

What he's doing is wonderful, being the bigger person and supporting the girl he spent a long time of her life and development with.

There are blood fathers out there doing much less. Believe me.

I would think myself very lucky to have such a caring partner.

Missguided82 Tue 30-May-17 11:24:23

Thank you for your advice. So it's not weird for me to say. Bring her round. I think the issue comes from the separation part. I've met his children but not this step child. Thank you for a different way of looking at this. Maybe I'm not very sure in myself.

Missguided82 Tue 30-May-17 11:28:34

My feelings need to be dealt with obviously. As I said, I'm unsure what to think. Is this page not set up for help and advice?? I'm asking for what other people think. I've not acted on anything nor reacted. The only thing I've said on the matter to my partner is anyone can make a baby. However, I am wondering still what to think. Hence me reaching out to others. Who may have experienced this.

wheresthel1ght Tue 30-May-17 11:29:20

I think you should be applauding him! As others have said there are me. Out there who don't do fb is with their own kids - he clearly sees her as his child even though biologically speaking she isn't. He has been her dad for her whole life. I would guess his own kids are probably more independent and less in need of their dad if they are over 18.

I would let things develop organically - how long have you been with this man?

Missguided82 Tue 30-May-17 11:37:40

Around 7 months. I've met his children. However, not the step child. This seems to be something he goes and does on his own. I think that is where the issue is being raised from. I have been thinking to say to him invite her round for tea just don't want to sound weird.

wheresthel1ght Tue 30-May-17 11:41:58

Honestly dont suggest it. It is too soon. She probably isn't ready.

He is doing nothing wrong and you are sounding jealous. Stay out of it til he suggests it. Forcing it will make things awkward for her, it will risk making her dd eel uncomfortable and honest her feelings are more important than yours. And I say this as a step mum to 2!

BandeauSally Tue 30-May-17 11:54:54

Oh bloody hell, I had assumed this was your husband and it was a properly established relationship, living together etc. 7 months?? Beak out!! Let him manage his own relationship like I assume he has been doing for what, 40 years without your interference?

Lunar1 Tue 30-May-17 14:36:03

I'd be thinking that he sees her as his child. You are still so early on in your relationship I don't know what else you would think about it.

Debrathezebra Tue 30-May-17 16:05:33

I agree, he's been her stepdad for 10 years. You can't just turn feelings off with your own children when you separate, and if you've had a good relationship with a step-child you can't turn your feelings about them off either. It's not about holding onto the past, or links with an ex, it's about an independent relationship with a 16 year old, and I'd say that the more adults around her that care the better.

Have you asked him why he hasn't arranged for you to meet her yet?

Magda72 Tue 30-May-17 16:05:49

Steady on! The OP was only looking for some advice as she's never come across this situation before! Why is everyone jumping down her throat???
OP - I would say the reason you've met his kids is that they are adults so he probably isn't worried about them or their reactions to a new relationship.
Your Dp is in his own strange place with his stepchild. You say the childs dad is on the scene so your Dp is also having to negotiate his role in this child's life as the separated stepdad - not an easy position to be in. It's very commendable that he has stayed in this child's life & if I were you all I would say to him is that you'd like to meet her when he & she are ready, and I'm sure that day will come when you guys are a bit longer in your relationship.
I know if my dp & I split up my kids would really miss him if they never saw him again.
I don't think there's anything strange going on - he's just keeping consistency in the life of a kid he spent 10 years with - & that's a good thing.

swingofthings Tue 30-May-17 16:21:29

Nothing wrong that they would still want to see each other regularly. They clearly established a close/good relationship and want to continue with it. Nothing in this would indicate a desire to hold to the past. Are you thinking that he is keeping this relationship with this child only as a link to his ex. Don't, it's very unlikely and unfair to both of them.

Suggesting meeting her? Why not. Discuss it with your boyfriend and see what he says. Don't get angry or paranoid if he says it's too early. Show him that you understand and that you hope you can do so one day soon.

NeverTwerkNaked Tue 30-May-17 16:24:30

DP has been in Dd's life since she was 20months. (I split with her dad when she was tiny- he was abusive to me)

She's 4 now and just sees DP as a second dad. She assumes all children have a second dad grin. She has shoulder rides and story times and orders him to make her breakfast. He's her family. I hope this is my "forever" relationship but certainly if DP and I were to split in 10 years time I would hope they would still see each other regularly. He's her third parent.

NotHotDogMum Tue 30-May-17 16:43:32

He seems like a great dad/stepdad and decent man. She's lucky to still have him in her life.

If you have a problem with this then it is down to you, you need to examine why you feel threatened or unsettled.

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