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At a loss with DSD - feel like I have failed.

(2 Posts)
TiredofITall1 Thu 25-May-17 11:08:00

So DSD and DS are around same age. DSD started seeing a bum about 8 months ago. He was ok enough but not ideally what we would have wanted for her, he is 2 years older (she is nearly 17 he is 19). He lives in YM as his mom won't have him at home, no job, smokes weed etc. She had started stopping at his bedsit a lot but wold still come to ours at weekend, DH constantly taxing them around, I do all cooking for them when they are at ours - would give him leftovers to take home as she was always complaining that they were always hungry at his because they didn't have money etc.

Last couple of months he had been telling DH about him stealing from his mates (little things like tobacco etc), saying to DSD in front of us - lets go round all you family and see what money we can get and then the other Sunday all eating dinner, DSD talking about manners and he tells DH and me that manners are for posh over picky people. DH is really hot on manners so was a blatant dig and clearly didn't go down well. DH was already saying that he didn't want him in the house anymore unless we were there as he didn't trust him. We have also had hysterics at weekends when he hasn't come because people have been telling DSD that he has cheated on her and this isn't the first time but as she couldn't prove it she was sticking by him.

All the DC's have always been really close and always referred to each other as brother and sister etc. DS was mates with DSD's BF and they were hanging round with his cousin (who is also in YM but bit younger and equally a bum). Cousin and his GF spilt up as he had cheated on her - my DS is still mates with her and has had a lot of hassle of DSD and her bum BF and his cousin because they all want him to shun the ex GF (which DSD had already told me that this girl had been treated really badly in past).

I have stayed out of it whilst they have been arguing back and forth - but DS had showed me messages. Then whilst out one night DS saw DSD her bf and his cousin, they launched a stone at the door he was standing behind at head height - he was really angry as he said it bounced that hard he thought it was going to smash the glass in his face. He messaged DSD to ask what had gone on - she told him she didn't see as she had walked off.

We have now told the BF he is not welcome in our house until this is all sorted. We feel that it is so disrespectful to us all as a family that he would do this DS and do not want him in our home if he is going to try and intimidate DS and lets face it, it is not going to be great round the dinner table.

DSD told DH last night that she now only see's us as step relations and her BF is her real family and unless we apologise to him and let him continue to come round she will not come.

Now I get that that she is right - that we are step related but it is the fact that she is using it as a stick to beat us. I get that she is hurt and lashing out but what do we do? I feel if we give in on this then every time she wants her own way or we say no she will stop coming. She has done this before but she was about 6 at the time.

Thing is I am heartbroken by her attitude (but not really surprised). I feel that this is because of me and DS and now DH is missing out on seeing her and there is something I should have done differently. Do we give in? Do I just let them come round but go out so that it's easier?

Sorry it's so long - just think I needed to get it all out

swingofthings Thu 25-May-17 17:43:17

She is a teenager blindly in love so will never see anything he does wrong....until she becomes the one being wronged.

You are doing the right thing, your priority should be to your son. Make it clear to her that you (her dad) loves unconditionally, but you cannot open your door to someone who is going to be disrespectful to her brother (step/half, still brother) and therefore disrespectful to the rest of the family.

Most likely the relationship will go sour and she'll be back. When she does, make sure to keep away from any 'I told you so', verbally or implied.

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