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Partner wanting me to change access

(84 Posts)
YodasBudLight Tue 16-May-17 22:12:02


First time poster on here, just wanted to put this out here to see if I'm being unreasonable, any constructive comments are appreciated.

So I've been with my lady for 5 years, she has two children (boys) aged 6&9, they goto their dads every other weekend and I have two aged 8 & 10. Me and my partner don't live together, I have my kids from school till 5:30 every Thursday and every Other weekend, these weeekdns are synced so that my partners children goto their dads when I don't have mine so that every fortnight all the children are together. I have a contact order due to my ex playing games, we do not get on. changing access is always very difficult as my ex won't ever be reasonable. Anyway, I digress

My partner has asked me to change a future access date on a Saturday so that I can taxi her kids friends to her sons birthday party which she has booked at a play facility 30 miles away. My children have not been invited to this party which has hurt me and I do not see why I should forefeit a day with my children because my ex will not reschedule. My partner thinks I'm being selfish and I should put her son first because it's his birthday party. My partner has discussed this with friends and work colleagues and apparently they all agree that I'm in the wrong?

Am I being unreasonable to not want to cancel my Saturday with my children? They will be very upset they aren't invited to their future step brothers party. To sweeten the deal my partner said she would do a family party the next day but I'm more upset that I'd miss an access day and this family party seems to be a cop-out

Any comments appreciated

Kind regards

NeverGoOutOfStyle Tue 16-May-17 23:54:50

No way should you change seeing your children to ferry kids about to a party that after 5 YEARS they've not been invited too. I'd seriously think about your relationship with her if after so long, she doesn't invited your children to the party, in fact I wouldn't even expect them to have to be invited but instead for it to be a given that they go.

She is BU, 100%

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Tue 16-May-17 23:57:52

What?! Is she for real? Absolutely unreasonable for you to ferry about someone else's kids instead of spending time with yours. Not inviting your DCs, fair enough I guess - sometimes a party where everyone else is at school together is a bit rubbish for family, but to expext you to then facilitate it is madness. Is she always so selfish?

Brokenbiscuit Wed 17-May-17 00:03:37

She is BVU. Stick to your guns, I say!

PerfectPenquins Wed 17-May-17 00:10:29

Wow your partner is being very unreasonable tell her no and to get a grip she can play taxi for her kids and you can enjoy some time with yours.

VimFuego101 Wed 17-May-17 00:14:51

YANBU. It was unreasonable of her to ask.

LanaDReye Wed 17-May-17 00:18:20

YANBU I would simply say I have my DCs that day so I'm not free. Don't get into complicated explainations if you can help it.

YodasBudLight Wed 17-May-17 08:01:41

Thank you all for your responses

Just to be clearer, she hasn't said 'you must cancel access' but she wants me to reschedule. its more the fact that she expects me to change it in order to facilitate her sons party (in her words it's his 10th birthday and is a big deal) and it got me second guessing myself and I just wanted to know what others thought. She knows full well my Ex won't cooperate and that Id end up missing a day with my children, Yesterday she called me 'selfish' and told me 'it isn't always about my children' Alarming that her work colleagues and friends agree with her?

Thanks again for your responses, much appreciated

Brokenbiscuit Wed 17-May-17 08:10:55

Alarming that her work colleagues and friends agree with her?

They might not actually agree. Some people just don't like conflict so go along with whatever others say - just for a quiet life.

needsahalo Wed 17-May-17 08:11:47

Work colleagues probably had a watered down version of the situation. It probably won't include the fact your children are not invited to the party.

She needs challenging on why she is getting shirty about you not prioritising her children when she has ignored yours. How will that work going forwards if you are going to live together? You also need to be very clear with her that your children will not experience you prioritising someone else's children over them - the lines are often blurred in blended families but this is a very clear case of second best.

Out of interest, have her children been included in your children's birthday celebrations?

needsahalo Wed 17-May-17 08:15:50

And to be fair, although some flexibility around access is sometimes necessary, I wouldn't personally agree to changed arrangements at short notice or in these circumstances. I plan my life when my children are not with me - sometimes arranging to see people/buying tickets for events/train tickets/flights/hotels etc. months in advance. I do that because I rely on my ex to have the children when he says he's going to have them, without exception. Obviously, sometimes shit happens - I get that - but this is not one of those occasions. For me anyway.

oleoleoleole Wed 17-May-17 08:19:59

YANBU she is.

JustMumNowNotMe Wed 17-May-17 08:20:10

Your children aren't invited?! She wants you to ditch them to play chauffeur?! shock

Fuck that. Give her a list of taxi numbers and take your kids for a fun day out somewhere.

I guarantee her mates don't agree, they just don't want to be on the receiving end of her!

Theresnonamesleft Wed 17-May-17 08:29:50

She should have thought about how the mates would get to the venue when she booked it. She shouldn't have thought oh it will be fine as Yoda will ferry them about. If anyone is selfish it's her for expecting you to give up time with your dc's. and I bet if her ex wanted to not have access on his day for similar reasons she would kick off.

Plus do you even have enough booster seats? Not all 9 and 10 year olds are tall enough.

JeffJarrett Wed 17-May-17 08:40:26

Definitely NBU. How shitty of her to not invite your kids! Didn't you say anything? Are her kids invited to your kids parties?

Stick to your guns OP. I wouldn't want to rock the boat with a difficult ex either.

Also, I'd find it massively embarrassing that she's "told all her colleagues and they agree". I'm sure they don't, btw.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my kids were excluded and I was bitched about to all and sundry.

YodasBudLight Wed 17-May-17 08:58:15

Yes her children are always invited to my kids birthday celebrations, I don't do party's for my kids as their mother does, instead all 6 of us will all go out for dinner and cinema or something similar (last year we went Rock climbing indoors) in fairness to her this is the first time mine have been excluded as previously she had a party at home or somewhere local and because our weeekends are synched we have them all anyway, it's just this occasion as I think logistically it's easier for her. I also appreciate that her son may just want school friends and the cost for more kids is expensive but I'd happily pay towards it for mine to attend although I haven't told her this as we haven't spoken since yesterday because of this situation.

Blended families is tough, I appreciate the advice

TempusEedjit Wed 17-May-17 09:45:51

Unless there's a back story and you are always openly favouring your DC over hers or you let them run riot so that hers feel pushed out, then she is being massively unreasonable. And even with a back story she would be really unfair to just exclude your DC without talking about it with you first.

AvoidingCallenetics Wed 17-May-17 09:55:04

It is really important for your children that they are not made to feel second to your girlfriend's children. You should never give up seeing them in order to spend time with someone else's kids (barring an emergency). She is way out of order.
Do you ever spend time with your dc without your partner and children being present? Because I think this is also essential to their wellbeing. They didn't choose this blended family. They need to spend time just with you.

Glitterywillows Wed 17-May-17 10:01:32

Eh? You have been together 5 years and your children are not invited to her child's birthday party, which she then expects you to cancel seeing your children to give her children and friends a lift to the party. And she says you are being unreasonable.
1. I'm sure that all her friends and work colleagues don't agree with her, they either have just said they do or she is lying.
2. This is nuts. I know blended family's​ are hard but it seems like she still sees it as 2 separate entity's.
I'm sorry but this seems really strange to me. If it was the other way around it would definitely not be acceptable.
Stick to your guns, and don't cancel contact with your children that day. As I'm sure you won't any way.

CrazedZombie Wed 17-May-17 10:12:48

She is being very unreasonable.

I suspect that her work colleagues nod along to her ranting because they don't want to fall out over something that doesn't affect them. Or she's told them half the story or said that to emotionally blackmail you.

Not inviting your kids is also very unreasonable. All of the soft play parties that I've been to have said "siblings cost £x for entry" at the bottom of the invitation so that people with childcare issues can come. 5 years is a serious relationship and this would be making me furious. I'd be there to make sure that my kids weren't getting in the way so why exclude them?

Don't change your access.

YodasBudLight Wed 17-May-17 10:29:53

Thank you all. Yes there is a long back story of course, it hasn't been easy and I haven't got he time to explain about the numerous problems we've had with my ex, very serious problems in fact but not relevant to this thread.

Yes i am furious and thought maybe I should've prioritised her sons birthday but the more I thought about it I felt I was in the right and this has been compounded now with all your excellant responses. I'd rather not speak with my family about it as they would take my side I expect and aren't neutral l.

I do spend time with just her kids, I occasionally 'babysit' if that's the right word, i take her eldest to football matches, we do lots of things together as a group of 4 when my kids aren't around. We just went to Spain for 5 nights all 4 of us so it's not like I don't spend time with my partner and her kids.

Sometimes I am guilty of prioritising mine as they are my kids and my time with them is limited which makes it even more special. I'm not perfect and have been in the wrong many a time.

May the force be with you all !

JuicyStrawberry Wed 17-May-17 10:33:37

She is being very unreasonable. Your children and your time with them come first over ferrying your stepchildren/their friends to a party.

JuicyStrawberry Wed 17-May-17 10:38:41

I do think if you were a woman though the answers would be a bit different and you'd be accused of not making the special effort for your stepson. But man or woman you're doing the right thing putting your time with your children first. She should make other arrangements.

Lunar1 Wed 17-May-17 10:47:51

I wouldn't over think this. I'd probably tell her to fuck off, but you may want to be more polite than me!

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 17-May-17 10:52:13

Sometimes I am guilty of prioritising mine as they are my kids

Nope. You sound like a lovely dad and a bloody good step dad and your children should be your priority!

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with your ex and that you partner is trying to take advantage of your good nature and how much effort you make with her children. You don't sound very sure of yourself.... You're absolutely in the right about this and it's not as though you don't fully embrace her and her children spending quality time with everyone in the varying combinations.

Your time with your children is precious and the situation with your ex doesn't need to be antagonised by you asking for a variation and risking losing the day with them. Hold your nerve on this. Your DP is taking the piss and being very unreasonable.

It's not your fault she's made a plan she can't properly see through, she's probably realised she's cocked it up and is lashing out at you trying to get you to make it happen for her and her son, whatever the cost to you and your children.

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