How long was it before you met DP's children?

[startingover231]

Hi, looking for some advice/perspective.... I've been with DP for 2 & 1/2 years. We both have grown up (I.e. Over the age of 18) children from previous relationships. Two of mine live with me and his live with XP. He split from XP when his DD was 10, she's now 18. Long before we met so no involvement from me regarding split. He's very close to his DD, less so his son , but that's his sons choice not his. When we first met he used to see his daughter once a week (he lives over 70 miles from her) , As she's got older and wanting to go out with friends etc. He sees her less regularly but she now comes to stay for a whole weekend every two or three months. We don't live together but that's more for logistical reasons atm and we have talked about living together, getting married at some point in the future. We see each other usually once during the week and every weekend, either at his or mine. He is fully integrated into my family, brilliant with my kids and elderly parents, we spend all High days and holidays together as a family etc.
When his DD comes to stay he chooses to see her alone without me and never includes me in anything they do. Now I respect that he doesn't see her often and cherishes their time together, I never try to muscle in on that time or when he takes her away on holiday (about twice a year). But I am beginning to wonder if he will ever want to blend the two? In two and a half years I have met her once when he had to pick something up from mine when she was staying that couldn't wait. I have bought her small Christmas and birthday presents because he is always so generous with my DC, and she texts me to thank me.
Just recently she had some health issues and texted me for advice, I'm a nurse, and we had a lovely exchange of texts which ended with her telling me she thought her dad was lucky to have me in his life and that she hoped the next time she visited I could come over. I told him at the time what she'd said and he made very little comment. Fast forward theee weeks and she is visiting him this weekend, when I knew she was coming I broached the topic of me maybe popping over for the evening ( not to stay, just for a couple of hours) again he made very little comment, we just left it with me saying something like let me know about Saturday. He's said nothing more, hasn't invited me over, told me what their plans for the weekend are but not tried to include me in anything. Now given that she'd suggested it, I now presume it's him that doesn't want me to spend time with them both.
So what I want to know really, is , is this normal after two and a half years? Will it always be like this and will I always be excluded from a part of his life that is obviously so important to him? How long was it before you met DP's children? Is in the end this going to be a deal breaker with regard to living together? I am a bit confused as to what to do next!

[Lunar1]

It sounds odd to me, the advice to wait is usually for actual child aged children not young adults. It's not like at their ages you would be any kind of authority figure to her.

It also sounds like she would like to meet you. How on earth does he think you can live together if he won't even allow an evening meal?

[ElinorRigby]

To me this is not 'normal'. I met my husband's children from his previous marriage, who were then 5 and 6, at a very early stage in our relationship - maybe after we'd just seen each other a few times.. I think he wanted to know if we'd all get on , before deciding how much to invest in the relationship with me. I was very pleased to meet them.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Sounds like he has reason to keep you apart. . You need to ask him outright. . Could be nothing or maybe something you won't like.

[startingover231]

We did talk about it very briefly once, he said a previous gf had been very jealous of his relationship with his DD and in the end that had been one of the major factors in them splitting. He also said something like he didn't want to be torn between giving us both his attention and feeling stuck in the middle. So I guess that's how he felt before. But I'm not some insecure gf who 'needs attention ' and I told him that, at that time he suggested we should maybe meet up for a meal and he understood that I would want to, but still no invite!
If I keep bringing it up, it could look like I'm jealous of his relationship, but then maybe he did the same with ex gf! And she was feeling left out like I am!
It would have to be addressed before any decision about living together was made though!

[swingofthings]

I would make it happen. Next time invite them at yours for dinner.

[SaltySeaDog72]

If I were you I would directly invite them. I might even text his dd telling her she is invited too..

[Magda72]

I'm reading this with interest as am in somewhat the same situation myself. Dp very well blended with my kids while I barely know his.
Dp travels to see his kids at weekends; never brings them here as they don't want to come & relations between Dp & his ex bad & she badmouths me to the kids.
Dp also recently admitted that they want him to themselves & don't want to do family stuff with me & my kids.
This doesn't sound the case in your situation however, & I'm wondering if your Dp is afraid the blending may not work or that he's left it too late & is wary? I know his dd is an adult now but maybe he still sees her as a child?
My dp also sort of lives with me but still retains his own house. This is for the sole purpose of seeing his kids at the weekend alone. This I do get but I also feel a full moving in with me closes off his previous life which he is reluctant to do.
Is is possible your Dp is similar? - hanging on to his own space & his own time so his kids don't really have to deal with change & new family units?

[SaltySeaDog72]

How old are your dp's kids Magda ?

[Magda72]

Hi Salty,
We've been together two years and his kids are 11, 14 & 17. Mine are 12, 15 & a 19 year old who lives in the city where he's at Uni.

[SaltySeaDog72]

seems a shame Magda when they are all a similar age. And obviously affected by the dynamic with exW, which might mean his dc find it easier just to say they don't want to spend time with you all to keep the peace?

Kids needs have got to be considered. But I do think 'some' give and take is to be expected all round... its family life isn't it? It needs to be led by your dp, really. But you can't make him. How do you think your dp really feels? Do you think he just prefers to keep them separate? Or is he afraid of upsetting the kids/guilty/doesn't want to rock the boat with exW? Sounds like being in a bit of a rut with it.

[Magda72]

To be honesty Salty I think it's a combination of many things. His marriage was very verbally violent on the part of his ex & I think as a result both he & his kids have developed a total aversion to confrontation so yes, he doesn't want to push things and set ex off; nor does he want to upset the kids or have them having to deal with her tantrums because they've been with me. For eg I'm not 'allowed' in the car if he's collecting his kids. I understand all this but it's very enabling behaviour and from what I can gather this woman's behaviour has been enabled by a lot of people most of her adult life & she gets away with murder as no one wants to set her off.
My own children are very emotionally intelligent & very outgoing & happy (most of the time) & I also think he fears that they put his in the shade so to speak & hog a lot of attention. My kids aren't attention seeking they're just very confident & outgoing & his aren't & I think he fears they will be very uncomfortable with us. Again I understand this as the few times we've all met his kids said & did nothing & then my lot were worrying that they'd spoken too much.
As a result of all the above I think Dp feels he can only keep things on an even keel by separating everything out.
Part of me thinks he's right but part of me thinks the kids/ex are being over indulged & also that they are subconsciously learning very negative things about relationships & families. They have a little routine going with Dp that never changes and so they can all (including Dp) carry on pretending things aren't really changing. There's a real lack of engagement with the wider world going on which IMO is not great for kids.

[SaltySeaDog72]

Sounds like a completely different atmosphere in each family between yours and his. And on his side a lot of appeasing.. not great. Just goes to show the importance for the kids of a good relationship with one's ex. This sort of thing is really quite insidious and harmful (to the dc I mean).

If this whole 'not being allowed' the car (er what, especially at their age!) continues to be facilitated, then there seems little hope of you or your kids getting to know his.. how sad. In your shoes I would feel a bit hopeless, to be honest.. do you and dp discuss it all? Sounds hard.