How long was it before you met DP's children?(7 Posts)
Hi, looking for some advice/perspective.... I've been with DP for 2 & 1/2 years. We both have grown up (I.e. Over the age of 18) children from previous relationships. Two of mine live with me and his live with XP. He split from XP when his DD was 10, she's now 18. Long before we met so no involvement from me regarding split. He's very close to his DD, less so his son , but that's his sons choice not his. When we first met he used to see his daughter once a week (he lives over 70 miles from her) , As she's got older and wanting to go out with friends etc. He sees her less regularly but she now comes to stay for a whole weekend every two or three months. We don't live together but that's more for logistical reasons atm and we have talked about living together, getting married at some point in the future. We see each other usually once during the week and every weekend, either at his or mine. He is fully integrated into my family, brilliant with my kids and elderly parents, we spend all High days and holidays together as a family etc.
When his DD comes to stay he chooses to see her alone without me and never includes me in anything they do. Now I respect that he doesn't see her often and cherishes their time together, I never try to muscle in on that time or when he takes her away on holiday (about twice a year). But I am beginning to wonder if he will ever want to blend the two? In two and a half years I have met her once when he had to pick something up from mine when she was staying that couldn't wait. I have bought her small Christmas and birthday presents because he is always so generous with my DC, and she texts me to thank me.
Just recently she had some health issues and texted me for advice, I'm a nurse, and we had a lovely exchange of texts which ended with her telling me she thought her dad was lucky to have me in his life and that she hoped the next time she visited I could come over. I told him at the time what she'd said and he made very little comment. Fast forward theee weeks and she is visiting him this weekend, when I knew she was coming I broached the topic of me maybe popping over for the evening ( not to stay, just for a couple of hours) again he made very little comment, we just left it with me saying something like let me know about Saturday. He's said nothing more, hasn't invited me over, told me what their plans for the weekend are but not tried to include me in anything. Now given that she'd suggested it, I now presume it's him that doesn't want me to spend time with them both.
So what I want to know really, is , is this normal after two and a half years? Will it always be like this and will I always be excluded from a part of his life that is obviously so important to him? How long was it before you met DP's children? Is in the end this going to be a deal breaker with regard to living together? I am a bit confused as to what to do next!
It sounds odd to me, the advice to wait is usually for actual child aged children not young adults. It's not like at their ages you would be any kind of authority figure to her.
It also sounds like she would like to meet you. How on earth does he think you can live together if he won't even allow an evening meal?
To me this is not 'normal'. I met my husband's children from his previous marriage, who were then 5 and 6, at a very early stage in our relationship - maybe after we'd just seen each other a few times.. I think he wanted to know if we'd all get on , before deciding how much to invest in the relationship with me. I was very pleased to meet them.
Sounds like he has reason to keep you apart. . You need to ask him outright. . Could be nothing or maybe something you won't like.
We did talk about it very briefly once, he said a previous gf had been very jealous of his relationship with his DD and in the end that had been one of the major factors in them splitting. He also said something like he didn't want to be torn between giving us both his attention and feeling stuck in the middle. So I guess that's how he felt before. But I'm not some insecure gf who 'needs attention ' and I told him that, at that time he suggested we should maybe meet up for a meal and he understood that I would want to, but still no invite!
If I keep bringing it up, it could look like I'm jealous of his relationship, but then maybe he did the same with ex gf! And she was feeling left out like I am!
It would have to be addressed before any decision about living together was made though!
I would make it happen. Next time invite them at yours for dinner.
If I were you I would directly invite them. I might even text his dd telling her she is invited too..
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