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21 year old.....

(11 Posts)
Concentrateonthegood Mon 08-May-17 19:14:54

I'm getting married in the summer and my husband to be has children, the youngest of which is nearly 21. She has an 18 month old child and is a single mother.

I too have kids but all grown up.

My fiancé is very generous with his daughter but she's manipulative and always asking for money which he just doles out. The money thing is his decision and I've always thought if I had a step family I'd keep out of the relationship, which I have done and will continue to do so. However, regardless of my approach, I'm being dragged into difficulties.

I rarely see the daughter and my intended sees her and his grandson two other days a week. This weekend, just happened that we were both free at the same time. I've cooked, cleaned, looked after the child and opened my home to them willingly. She appeared to have a nice time and I packed her up with food for a few days.

All good until my intended tells me today that he's ex was in touch. The daughter upset that she doesn't get to spend time with her dad without me there ..... this is the first weekend in a year and a half this has occurred. He's confused and upset as he thought we all had a nice day and he can't understand why she asked his ex wife to speak with him about it rather than discussing directly with him.

How do other people cope with becoming involved in a step family? I've no wish to become her "step mother", just want to do what is right not to put my man in a difficult position.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 08-May-17 19:16:58

He needs to call her out on it.
Sounds like she has reverted to being 12.
Ungrateful madam.

DancingLedge Mon 08-May-17 19:32:17

The *ex *says the DD didn't like it.A few ex's have problems with current partners. Some people can imagine that things which are a problem for them, are always a problem for their DC.

Talk to the DD. Or rather DP should. You said you rarely see her.

Concentrateonthegood Tue 09-May-17 10:10:47

I feel like I've joined a Jeremy Kyle set..... I hate all this drama for no benefit to anyone.

floraeasy Tue 09-May-17 10:14:06

The daughter is old enough to speak to her father herself, if she has a problem. If/when she does this, hopefully your partner will have your back. Daughter is far too old for this nonsense - she's a mother herself now - time she grew up!

Voice0fReason Tue 09-May-17 10:26:49

Be careful that you are reading this the right way.
The ex could have been the one doing the stirring here - either intentionally or through misunderstanding.

DSD could have been talking to her mum and trying to protect her mum's feelings by being critical of you. Even adult children often feel torn, like they cannot like a new step-parent because it would be disloyal to their real parent. She could have real mixed feelings that she had a nice time but guilt that she did, or discomfort that it would just be easier for her to spend time with her dad.

Mum could have interpreted this as DSD being more unhappy than she is and taken it upon herself to complain about it.

Your partner needs to have a grown-up conversation with his daughter to try and get a better understanding of what is going on for her.

You haven't done anything wrong but your presence has a disruptive influence on her relationship with her dad, that can be difficult to deal with for everyone involved.

oldwife Tue 09-May-17 10:32:24

I agree with pp suggesting that the ex could be sticking her nose in unnecessarily. It may be that DD has said something quite innocent about visiting and you being there or whatever and ex has decided to be difficult.

Your partner might want to help her out financially. Fair enough - put it aside as it won't be for ever.

I am surrounded by 'steps' . Both my parents remarried (df more than once), I am remarried so my DS has a huge blended family. I am a step parent myself of late teens. It's tricky at times but I find it easier to try and not let these things get to me.

It will get easier .

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Tue 09-May-17 21:15:15

i hope you laughed in response to that op?

don't rise to it - unless it becomes a steady drip of negativity.
for now, carry on spending time with them without monopolizing it.

Wdigin2this Tue 16-May-17 21:48:37

OMG be careful here, if you accept this behaviour and stand back, it will set the pattern for the future! If you respond by telling your OH, you're angry/upset by her attitude, he may get all defensive and make excuses for her!
It sounds like she's reverting to a dependant child and wanting her daddy to herself. To be honest I don't think SM's can win in these I'd say, tread carefully and think long and hard about how this situation gets handled!

AlphabetSoup3 Tue 16-May-17 23:28:24

He sees them two full days a week? Did I get that right? That's a lot for 21, like she's making him surrogate father.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 17-May-17 11:00:20

I wouldn't bother making an effort with her like you did on the recent visit again. She sounds like a complete brat. Everyone involved is an adult, this sniping and bitching is massively undignified, how embarrassing for them! You haven't done anything wrong and your kindness is being thrown back in your face.

Don't get involved, don't engage. If your DF wants to discuss it, just say you enjoyed the day and what a shame she says she didn't. Be bland and don't get exercised and don't bother in future.

Whether it's come from her or her DM, there's no reason for your DF to be sharing the negative with you.

As much as possible, leave them to it. If he wants to see her that often and treat a grown woman with a child of her own as a baby then as long as it's not hurting you it's his look out. But you're not obligated to cook, clean, send her home with food, certainly not look after her baby. Lovely of you if you want to but not much naffing point if it's going to be thrown back at you.

Sorry things aren't easier for you. Who'd be a step parent some days...

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