What do I do?

[norah123]

"Hi,

Sorry for making it this long. Please hear me out.

I was a divorcee. I have a 19 year old daughter with my ex husband. We got divorced when she was just 8 years old and she was with me. I got married to another man a few years after the divorce. My husband used to treat her very well and he never showed any indifference to her. However, she never loved him and was not ready to accept him as her father. She behaves too rudely with him. I have tried a numerous times to talk to her and make her realize the fact. But she just doesn’t listen.

They had a huge fight the other day when she had come home for holidays. She was literally shouting at him. They were going on arguing. And finally he lost his control and he slapped her on the face. It was a very sudden reaction and I didn’t know what to do and whom to support. He realized his mistake and immediately apologized to her. But she didn't listen. She got too agitated and left the house.

Now she has filed a suit against him for domestic assault. I had never imagined that she would go up to this level. She has a very bad group of friends and I am sure she is doing this as per their instructions.
I really have no idea how to solve this issue. My husband is facing a criminal charge because of my daughter. This is such an awful situation. I have to get him out of this first and planning to do that the help of a domestic assault lawyer.

How do I bridge the gap between them? What do I do now? I feel so helpless right now. I wish to have a happy family. But somehow things are not turning out as I expect. Please help me. Has anyone faced a similar situation? I need your advice.

[Bythebeach]

Your daughter was quite old (you say 8 plus a few years) when you met your now husband yet you expected her to accept him as her father? Didn't she have an ongoing relationship with her own father? I think perhaps your expectations at the outset were unrealistic. A 10/11 year old child might form a deep and loving bond with a new step parent slowly over the years but there should have been no pressure for her to see him as a father.

I can't help in your current situation but it sounds very hard. Ultimately your husband crossed a line though and I think your daughter needs to see you support her.

[CharlieandLolaCat]

Your husband is in this situation because of his actions. Not your daughter's actions. While I appreciate this is a terrible situation for you to be in the middle of, he hit your daughter.

[Guitargirl]

Your husband hit your daughter.

Good on her for having the confidence to go to the police. And at least it sounds as though she is getting some support from her friends.

Would your husband hit you if you were shouting at him?

Come on OP - step up and be her mother.

[twattymctwatterson]

Your husband assaulted your daughter. There is no amount of rude behaviour that can make this acceptable. You should be thinking of her and the fact that he's shown himself to be violent. She's well within her rights to press charges in this instance- in fact she's doing the right thing. What would you do if he hit you in the face during an argument?

[FlossyMooToo]

He it her. Thats never ok.

I dont really know what else to say. Its obvious to me who you should support but you are clearly unsure. I hope your DD is ok.

[Wdigin2this]

Oh god what a terrible situation...but your DH lost control and hit your daughter! That can never be acceptable, and you have no choice but to support your daughter in this!
Maybe you can explain to your DH that you understand his frustration, but he crossed a line he should never have been near, so you must do the right thing here!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Your poor daughter. Surely you've brought her up to have a zero tolerance approach to violence, no matter what the circumstances?

You say she got agitated and left the house, a normal response. Has she been back since then? Have you and she spoken about it?

I'm sure you're having a horrible time with what's happened and it's good your husband apologised. But you wouldn't want your daughter being hit by a partner or a stranger in the street, so you have to see how she'll be feeling about her own stepfather lashing out and hurting her. You might not welcome her decision to press charges but you're there now, it's not your place to tell her she's wrong, however much you might wish to stop her from pursuing it.

Please be careful that your instinct to punish your daughter and protect your husband in this doesn't ruin your relationship with your daughter forever. I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to be in your home if your husband's there for a while and it's going to be up to you to have the relationship with her that she wants.

[ChicRock]

Does your DH go round slapping anyone else across the face - his boss, colleagues, friends, strangers in the street? What do you think would happen to him if he did?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Why do you have to get him out of this anyway? He's a grown up man and he needs to face the consequences of his criminal actions.

[ZilphasHatpin]

My husband is facing a criminal charge because of my daughter.

WRONG!! He is facing a criminal charge bevacuse he assaulted someone.

[ZilphasHatpin]

But somehow things are not turning out as I expect.

Well it can't really be a surprise when you defend the person who assaulted your daughter! How can really expect to have a happy family when you allow someone like that to live in your home?

[LittleNellsDog]

Your poor dd

[rustyrivets1]

Why would she accept him as her father? She has a father, just because you remarried why does that negate her fathers role?

Has been behaving as though he is her father for the last 10 years, as I suspect that would be very grating and annoying for your dd. Have you also been piling on the pressure for her to treat him as her father?

You frankly should be supporting your dd who was assaulted by your husband.

No matter what she said, he had no right to put his hands on her and well done her for being strong enough to go against you and report the assault.

If you want a relationship with her, perhaps you need to be at her side not trying to get your husband off with some fancy lawyer.

[JumpingJellybeanz]

Your DD has been assaulted. Why are you blaming her, the victim, and supporting the perpetrator?

[BlueEyeGreenEye]

Your husband hit your daughter? I'm glad she felt she was able to go and report it.

She has a Mum and has a Dad. This wouldn't have been acceptable from anyone.

Does he go round hitting anyone he argues with or did he think he would get away with it because he's been playing 'daddy' for a few years?

your husband is out of order!

[BlueEyeGreenEye]

I also hope your daughter doesn't change her mind about this because she believes her Mum thinks she was in the wrong.

[twattymctwatterson]

Op I suspect you are gone because you've not received the response you hoped for but I just want to highlight that if you support your partner here you will likely lose your daughter forever. There's no way I'd have a relationship with a mother and who stayed with a man who was violent towards me.

[Lunar1]

Your husband is facing charges because he committed a crime. What part of that is your daughters fault?

[wheresthel1ght]

@norah123 If you are still reading...

I think you need to have this broken down a bit for you to see the issues independently from one and other;

1. your daughter had a father, that doesn't change because the 2 over you got a divorce. You should not have pushed her to view your new husband as a father. She does not have to love him, she doesn't even have to like him. However, she should show him respect providing he deserves it.
   
   
2. what did your husband do to her to make her hate him? You are blaming her, but ime it is rare to be unfounded
   
   
3. your daughter may have shouted at him but he assaulted a grown woman. That is on him not her.
   
   
4. you are in an impossible position because you stand to lose one of them, but she is your daughter and your loyalty should lie first and foremost with her. The limited info in your op suggests that you have bad key your husband and blamed your daughter. You may find this is your last chance to support her before she walks out on you for good

[wheresthel1ght]

@norah123 If you are still reading...

I think you need to have this broken down a bit for you to see the issues independently from one and other;

1. your daughter had a father, that doesn't change because the 2 over you got a divorce. You should not have pushed her to view your new husband as a father. She does not have to love him, she doesn't even have to like him. However, she should show him respect providing he deserves it.
   
   
2. what did your husband do to her to make her hate him? You are blaming her, but ime it is rare to be unfounded
   
   
3. your daughter may have shouted at him but he assaulted a grown woman. That is on him not her.
   
   
4. you are in an impossible position because you stand to lose one of them, but she is your daughter and your loyalty should lie first and foremost with her. The limited info in your op suggests that you have bad key your husband and blamed your daughter. You may find this is your last chance to support her before she walks out on you for good

[PastysPrincess]

You say your daughter came back for the holidays...where is your daughter living whilst this is going on? You must prioritise your daughter and rebuild your relationship with her. Your DH must face the consequences of his actions. Dont blame her for ruining everything when he is the one who ASSAULTED her! I would choose my child everytime. Why are you not angry at him?

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

ever tried giving your dd boundaries and sticking to them - like treat people in my house with respect?

Perhaps if you'd dealt with her rudeness rather than allowing it to escalate, then perhaps she would not have wound your husband up to the extent he lost control.

Why is she allowed to stay with you if she refuses to treat her step-dad - or you - with basic respect?
You've enabled this behaviour.
You could have stepped in at any time to defuse the situation/separate them.

She isn't wrong for calling the police -
It was assault - not like he was acting in self defence.
Also, given her feelings towards him i'm surprised you thought she wouldn't 'retaliate' like this

My suggestion is you have a frank conversation with your dd about her behaviour, if she can't be polite and civil under your roof then it's best she stays elsewhere.

As for your dh, he needs to learn to control his anger.

[swingofthings]

It is not possible from one short post to point out who is 'at fault' in their dispute which clearly has been going on for years. Disrespect might have been one-sided, triggering a defensive/aggressive reaction from the other, or it was two-sided.

Ultimately, your husband took a step too far and your DD jumped at the opportunity to use this failure as evidence of him being the 'bad one'. Your being defensive of him means that either this feels unfair because she is the one whose behaviour has been unacceptable for many years, yet this one off poor judgement of his is what it comes down too, or you've been blinded by your love for him/fear of losing him and have been refusing to see him badly treating your DD for years.

In any case, it sounds like she's moved out now (uni?) and the only way forward will be to accept to see your DD separately. I expect she won't be keen to come and live with you any way, so it might not be too difficult. Hopefully, by avoiding each other and therefore their poor relationship won't be the focus of your interaction with either of them and things will be easier for everyone.

[norah123]

Hi. Thanks for those replies. It means a lot. I just wish to get out of this somehow. And I hope and pray that no mother has to see such a situation.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Are you still defending your husband? How is your relationship with your daughter now? Have you seen her since the incident?