Introducing kids to boyfriend

[KianaAT]

(I'm not sure if this would go in this particular forum but it made the most sense, so I'm sorry if this is the wrong place!)

I'm a mother to two lovely 4 year old twins, who I would do anything for. And recently (about 5/6 months ago, now) I started seeing a lovely man who I'm now happily calling my boyfriend. But I have no idea how to introduce him to my children. They already know that sometimes Mummy goes out with her 'friend' but I don't know how to explain that he's more than just my friend. He hasn't even met them yet!

I made it very clear with him that if we were going to go anywhere in our relationship he would have to be aware that my children come first, and he needs to be aware that he's going to be a part of their lives. Whether he becomes 'Dad' to them or not, he knows and is quite open to the idea of being a part of their lives in some way.

The whole idea will be new to them though, their biological father was never in the picture with them. It's always just been me, so I'm not sure how to even begin!

They're only 4 years old, I don't know how to begin with the idea. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you so much in advance!

[justnowords]

This was the age that my ds was introduced to dp. We didnt make a big deal of it. Ds was aware of dp but hadnt yet met him. We went for a day out at the local park and flew some kites. Quite low key. Then during the week dp came for tea. Ds took to dp instantly and the rest is history. (Ds is 17 now) . Be prepared for posters to say its far too early and you should be 2 years in before dc are introduced! Personally i think is tosh.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

very similar to justnowords.

I was introduced to my girlfriend's little girls (2 & 6) as mummy's friend. Our first meeting was at a play area and I just played with them (well, chased them around until I **ing knackered.)

I then went for tea a few nights later, and for the next few weeks it was "Would you like NewLevelsOfTiredness to come round and play / eat?" They never said no.

We'd planned weeks, even months if necessary, of this before moving any further but the six year old was too impatient and got sad when I went home, so I was announced as 'boyfriend' about three weeks later (to the underwhelming response of "oh, ok, can we play now?")

Make meeting him and having time with him a fun thing for them, and they'll drive it themselves.

Also agree with justnowords that you can only tell yourself if it's "too soon" - I think if it's a gentle introduction it'll help him see if this is the life he wants. Putting your children first should be, or become, a positive thing rather than a negative thing for him - I know I found a new depth of love for my girlfriend when I saw her 'being mum' with her daughters.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Mine were a bit older, 5 & 9 when they first met him, tbh I can't even remember the first meeting!
We kept it pretty low key for a while, and everyone seemed happy, so we just did more and more together.
My eldest said at about 11 or 12 when I was talking to him about then DP having moved in "well he's no trouble is he".
He said to me a few weeks ago, when I was talking it him about whether he'd talked about him as a step-dad (he refers to his step-mum as such but I've never heard him refer to late-DH as such) "well he was more of a dad than a step dad wasn't he".
For our family - which was me and my boys, and became me & DH and my boys - it worked.

I totally understand your trepidation, and you do need to put your kids first, but take it slowly, don't make a massive thing of it and see how it goes. Good luck x

[Bibidy]

Hey OP,

I think there's way too much pressure for all parties around introducing a new partner...it stresses everyone out, and there's really no need! Especially when the kids are so young.

I was so nervous before I met my DP's kids (at the time they were 6 and 2), but when I did it was great :). Same as NewLevelsofTiredness, we went to the park and then to McDonalds...nothing major, just a normal afternoon with me there too. And after that I started coming round for lunch sometimes, days out etc.

I found something that helped me relax more about it was to think about how I'd feel if it was anybody else's kids rather than OH's. I wouldn't be nervous about meeting a friend's child...I'd just be normal, nice and play with them. At such a young age, your DP will just be another person to play with for your kids, and same for you...you wouldn't think twice about introducing a friend to them, so just keep it casual and don't worry about it :)

My DP also prepared the kids - particularly SS, as he was older -
before they met me, and he did choose to tell them I was his girlfriend from the start. Tbh though I don't think it would have mattered if he'd gone with friends though as I don't think they differentiate 'girlfriend' from 'friend' at that age.

It will be fine . You know your kids better than anyone, so if you feel like you're ready introduce them then go ahead x