Advice on Pregnancy and DD(6).

[ConfusedLlama]

Hello,
A little bit of backstory is needed here. Apologies if this is a bit garbled as my brain is not fully functioning today.

Myself and DD's Dad (ExP) are, in my opinion, fairly good at communicating and working together for the benefit of DD. Last year DP and I were expecting a baby, we sat DD told her the news (she was very excited) and reminded her that if she had any questions, no matter how silly she thought they would be, to let us know and we'd answer best we can. ExP also did this.

Unfortunately, a few days later we lost the baby, I had to go through a procedure. We were all very upset, I found it very hard to talk about but tried my best to explain to DD what had happened and why.

Fast forward to now, we are pregnant again had a very thorough scan and results from the bloods and have been assured that at this moment everything looks completely fine. We didn't say anything to DD until we had this figurative thumbs up. We sat her down took her through all the photos and explained that everything was fine this time and again if there were any questions to let us know.

She's been with her dad for a couple of days, he's rung to say she had a complete breakdown today after school. It's not that she doesn't want the new baby but she's terrified something will happen to me, because in her eyes it wasn't something that happened to the baby, it was something that happened to me last time. She's also confused whether the baby will be coming with her when she visits her dad, although she's got a grasp that the baby will have a different surname to her and will be DP's baby and not her Dad's baby.

Myself, DP and ExP have all agreed to keep reassuring her that I'll be fine and that what's happening to my body is normal. DP and I have thought about including her in a timelapse project of my belly growing and are going to keep her updated with the updates from the app I have re: what the baby's doing, how big it is, how big its hand is etc.

I was wondering if anyone could recommend any books, she's a keen reader, that explain what happens to the body when preparing for the baby? and anything to explain the different things she'll do to the baby in terms of her going to her dads? Or if you could recommend an approach to talking to her and reassuring her? Or anythign else we could do with her to reassure her and help her with the transition from being and only child to a sibling?

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you and sorry it's so long.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

No advice at all, but wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and how much I wish you a healthy uneventful pregnancy

Your DD is a very lucky girl to have so many people caring for her and she'll make a wonderful big sister.

I'm sure others will be over to give you some actual advice but for now just sending my best wishes.

[ConfusedLlama]

AnneLovesGilbert Thank you for replying anyway :D I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear them say normal over and over again.

DD is a very caring girl, very empathetic, she'll make a fantastic big sister. It's just finding a way to reassure and help her understand, as there aren't many split families at her school.

[Isthisusernamefree]

Didn't want to read and run, I'm so sorry for your loss

The same thing happened to me last June, explaining to my step sons was horrible but they were so brave and good about it.

We're now 19 weeks with a little boy and I was worried about their reactions. They took the news well and are excited, but do often have questions and bring up the baby that died, when this happens I try and explain that that baby had been unwell and couldn't survive, but this baby is healthy so far and they don't need to worry. I also try and keep them updated from the app, they love to see the size change each week and choose which size option to have - this week it's a gameboy!

We also booked a gender scan to take them to, I wanted to find out the gender, but more than that, I wanted them to be able to see the baby moving and hear the heartbeat, the technicians were great and explained everything on the screen - maybe doing something like this might help your DD to be able to understand that, although it looks like all the changes are happening to you, the baby really is in there and moves and jumps about and has a heartbeat?

I think it's probably strange for them to envision at such a young age that although the pictures show a baby, it's actually a real thing in there!

Other than that, maybe just keep asking her if she's ok and if there's anything she'd like to talk about? Keep reassuring her frequently that you are well and that the baby is doing fine and she doesn't need to worry, nothing will happen to you.

[ConfusedLlama]

isthisusernamefree Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply.

That's a fantastic idea about the gender scan, was this a privately booked scan or one that you had already booked? Like your DC she often asks us about the previous pregnancy and we reassure her that the things that went wrong last time haven't happened this time.

ExP has suggested a book that we could get that you hold up to your tummy and it show what the baby looks like as each week goes by, as DD is a keen reader I think it would be good to try.

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for books that explained how the baby won't be going with her to her dads or be able to gently and appropriately suggest the differences between them without making her feel like she/baby's not included?