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Not invited to partner's son's 21st?

(21 Posts)
gardenflowergirl Sat 22-Apr-17 12:28:06

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next..

MongerTruffle Sat 22-Apr-17 12:29:06

Have you not posted this before, but with stepson instead of partner's son?

Rainybo Sat 22-Apr-17 12:29:18

Posting twice won't get you different answers hmm

MongerTruffle Sat 22-Apr-17 12:29:57

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2909733-Im-not-invited-to-stepsons-21st-AIBU

gardenflowergirl Sat 22-Apr-17 12:33:38

Someone on the other thread suggested I post here instead, in order to get a perspective from others in a 'blended family' situation.

MongerTruffle Sat 22-Apr-17 12:35:52

Why not get MNHQ to transfer the other post here?

gardenflowergirl Sat 22-Apr-17 12:38:38

Monger truffle - not sure how to do that.

forfuckssakenet Sat 22-Apr-17 12:42:31

Why are some MN users so interested in how many times people post things. Snide and unhelpful. No advice OP but hope it all works out!

I would rather stick needles in my eyes than go to a party with dp's ex-w, unless it was a huge bash where we wouldn't have to spend much time in each other's company. She's not a bad person, she's just very, very irritating grin

We tend to take the dsc out ourselves, so they get two celebrations. That might be tricky for your dss though, if he's usually away at uni or something.

Sorry I didn't answer your question. Basically I'd be pleased to get off the hook. We'll deal with weddings and whatnot as they arise (I'm not so petty that I couldn't get over myself for one of the dsc's weddings!).

needsahalo Sat 22-Apr-17 16:12:48

Someone on the other thread suggested I post here instead, in order to get a perspective from others in a 'blended family' situation

Have you ever lived with this young man? You've been with your partner a couple of years...his son has been an adult the whole of that time and his parents are. It yet divorced. . In what way does that make it a 'blended family' situation?

Maybe op wants advice from those who have more experience of blended families, those who've been through the imaginary qualifying period?

Mine and dp's children have a surprisingly close relationship and they don't even live together shock I'd say they were family, of sorts, and so do they <shrugs>

wheresthel1ght Sat 22-Apr-17 17:47:44

have just read your other post, unfortunately I agree with some the answers (although not the tone of them) that youhave already been given.

1) He is not your stepson and having been on the scene for such a short time I would not expect you to have been invited
2) this is a communication issue - so talk to your DP. there is still plenty of time for you and the exw to meet before the party if it really means that much to you
3) have you at any point thought about asking his son if he even wants you to be involved?

my stepkids are significantly younger and I have been around for a 6 years so we are well established and even I would not expect to be involved in big birthdays like that unless DSS actually wanted me to be. By the time he turns 21 I will have been in his life for 12 years so more that half his lifetime.

life07 Sat 22-Apr-17 19:14:01

You seem intent on causing an issue where isn't one. IMO there are three options
1.See if you can arrange meeting her before.
2.Just don't go to the party.
3.Accept your first meeting will be at the party and just deal with any awkwardness.

KateDaniels2 Sat 22-Apr-17 19:17:01

You said that you didnt want to meet her for the first time at his birthday.

Your DP is going to both parties. It makes sense the ex (your dps sons mum) will go to both too.

What did you expect? Her to be banned from the party near you?

I cant see how you could have thought you would be there and not her.

Debrathezebra Sat 22-Apr-17 19:26:33

I posted what I thought on the other thread and agree - there doesn't seem to be an issue other than crossed wires with your dp.

After 2.5 years I think it would be odd if you didn't go. I don't think that's a short period. Besides you have been to all other parties so why miss this one?

Just iron out the misunderstanding and go.

aibu1234 Mon 10-Jul-17 15:09:51

if he doesnt have many friends its technically a family gathering, why is your dp not just arranging for his side of the family to celebrate and exp arranging for her side?

Lunar1 Mon 10-Jul-17 17:05:39

By saying you didn't want to meet for the first time at the party, did you expect his mum to be excluded?

It sounds like you have excluded yourself and it's been interpreted as you not wanting to go.

jojo2916 Sat 15-Jul-17 09:25:42

Don't worry where you meet her for the first time , your dp son is 21 so it's not like she needs to be in your life , after 2.5 years together I think it would be really odd if you didn't go.

jojo2916 Sat 15-Jul-17 09:26:40

On and what Aibu 1234 said , I was thinking the same .

belmontian Sat 22-Jul-17 20:19:11

Maybe the ds has requested that you don't attend due to awkward feelings with his DM being there?

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