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Paying for holidays with step children

(14 Posts)
Snowfire Wed 19-Apr-17 20:47:18

DP and I have been together for around a year and get on amazingly but I find it a struggle to talk to him about money.
He often comes to ours for tea which of course is fine, I see him as my partner, he often pays for meals out or will bring wine/dessert with him but then he transfers money to my account as he says he feels bad about eating our food. DD and I have to eat so I just do a bit extra when he's here.
I have said when he moves in that I want us to have a joint account so we can share living expenses but he hasn't said what he thinks.
We have been planning a holiday in the summer. He has 2 DC, the older one has said he doesn't want to come and neither does my DD (16) as she has plans with her friends. DPs younger DS would be the only one coming. We have looked at quite a few options but DP keeps saying that he's concerned about cost. He is of the opinion that because his DS is coming, he should pay 2/3 of the overall cost. I have told him I want us to go halves but he says that's unfair as I shouldn't have to pay for his DS. I have a bit of money I have saved and frankly if I'm going away for a holiday, I want to go somewhere nice! Is he just being proud? I don't want to go through life worrying about who pays for what as I'm sure that will lead to arguments.

Gogglerox Wed 19-Apr-17 21:07:01

I think it's so nice that you want to pay halves and help out with the cost - but some men are proud and feel like it's their place to treat, especially if it's for their child.
I don't really know what to advise here other than to say to him that you want to be lovely and help out as you love him so much

phoenixtherabbit Wed 19-Apr-17 21:10:01

It's nice that you want to pay, but honestly I'd just let him pay.

If that's how he wants to split it, let him. It probably won't work in the long run if you move in together and have a joint account, so being brutally honest I'd just let him do it and just pay for your third because chances are it won't last him paying for 2/3 everything!

Wdigin2this Wed 19-Apr-17 22:03:05

It depends i suppose, on a) if he pays more, you don't go to the kind of place you'd prefer but he's happy with, or b) if you pay half, you can upgrade the holiday, providing he's OK with it....try putting it to him like that!

GaelicSiog Wed 19-Apr-17 22:23:05

Can you be my DD's stepmum, OP? grin that woman spends half her life excluding DD from this stuff. Then again, I wouldn't wish ex on my worst enemy.

Snowfire Fri 21-Apr-17 08:33:18

We had a chat about it last night and I put it to him that when he moves in then I will be paying 2/3 of all the food and bills as DD will be living here full time and his DS only 1or 2 nights per week. I think he can see my point a bit better now and he's agreed to go halves on the holiday 🙂
Thanks for the nice comments, the way I see it, I treat his DC as I would want him to treat DD. We both earn reasonable money but DP currently has a huge mortgage having bought his exW out of their house, hence why money is a bit tight for him. Hopefully he'll chill a bit when we can properly share everything!

NeverTwerkNaked Fri 21-Apr-17 08:35:50

This is a nice argument to be having, sounds like you are both being considerate of each other

AlternativeTentacle Fri 21-Apr-17 08:40:43

I will be paying 2/3 of all the food and bills as DD will be living here full time and his DS only 1or 2 nights per week. I think he can see my point a bit better now and he's agreed to go halves on the holiday

Huh?

You either go halves on everything, or go 2/3 on everything surely?

Why do you pay half for his kids holiday, and he pays 1/3 of the costs if he lives with you? Are you a martyr in other aspects of life as you seem to negotiate yourself into an unfair situation in both of these cases.

DP currently has a huge mortgage having bought his exW out of their house,

Which he will benefit from when he moves in with you.

All very odd.

TelephonicsSuper Fri 21-Apr-17 08:41:12

Let him pay for his kid this time. Before he moves in though do discuss money! A joint acct is a good idea as you can use it for household/ joint stuff only while having you own accts and cash to pay for separate stuff. I have friends who have been together for years and years and have a DC, house together etc. But completely separate finances and they spend so much time deciding who's paying for what, halving the bill on meals out ( even when out with other couples) 'owing' each other money etc. It's exhausting to watch them!

TelephonicsSuper Fri 21-Apr-17 08:43:41

Not sure why you'"" be paying 2 thirds when he moves in?? Surely he just pays half of living expenses incl bills but you can pay for your DD clothes, or her phone etc separately...

Snowfire Fri 21-Apr-17 10:58:19

Your missing the point of what I was saying, I said that if he was paying 2/3 for the holiday then that would mean I should pay 2/3 for living expenses. Of course he doesn't expect me to do that so we're going halves on everything! Don't worry, I'm not a martyr or a doormat!!

Bibidy Fri 21-Apr-17 11:02:40

We had a chat about it last night and I put it to him that when he moves in then I will be paying 2/3 of all the food and bills as DD will be living here full time and his DS only 1or 2 nights per week. I think he can see my point a bit better now and he's agreed to go halves on the holiday

It's very generous of you to want to go halves on the holiday.....but surely the rationale above doesn't add up? Unless you're saying you gave him that scenario to show him a similar situation the other way round - ie, he wouldn't expect you to pay 2/3 just because your DD is around more than his so why would you not do 50/50 on a holiday?

I hope that's the case, otherwise you're just stitching yourself up every time!

Bibidy Fri 21-Apr-17 11:03:07

Ah crossed posts, thought that's what you meant smile

LobsterMac Fri 21-Apr-17 11:04:39

When I married DH, I had 3 DCs. We then had DS together.
Since the day he moved in, we pooled our money in a joint account and all family expenses come out of that, we make no distinction between whose child belongs to who! We're now just a family.

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