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Do i let him see the kids?

(9 Posts)
Lottiebear84 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:07:04

So this is a complicated one....
I met my ex, we will call him John 6 years ago. We fell head over heels in love and very quickly i got pregnant and had my daughter now 5 followed by a son who's now 4. Well by the time i was pregnant with my son John had been controling, violent, thrown me and my daughter out the house in our PJs in the snow, cheated on me, took drugs, refused to watch our daughter so i had to quit work and let them down time and time again with access arrangements. back then i still loved him and kept letting him walk in and out of our lives for another year or so. He was violent, arrested and prisoned at one point, but still continued to try and win me back even though he couldn't of been any less interested in our kids. Eventually I packed up with my babies and moved 45 miles away. I met someone else. An amazing man who has taken on my kids as his own, they adore him and now call him dad and we have gone on to have our own child together. After an horrific relationship with John me and the children are finally happy and safe.
John was trying to win me back right up until last year when he found out i was pregnant to my new partner, and since that point he has got a new girlfriend, turned up at my house on 3 occasions with his girlfriend late at night demanding to see the kids leading to police being called because i was heavily pregnant. His new girlfriend sends me abusive texts calling me a bad mum and threatening to beat me up for keeping him away from his kids. He hasn't paid any maintanance and constantly keeps threatening to take me to court. I've told him to do so as my kids need stability, something he has never given them but i think the cost is putting him off. Now I'm receiving letters from his first child (9) from a previous relationship to the kids asking if they can persuade me to let them see her... who gets a child involved. I have John, his girlfriend, his family and even his ex making out like I'm a monster for trying to protect my kids. It's getting me down. He takes drugs, and has such a temper. The thought of him behaving that way round my kids terrifies me.
Am i doing the right thing keeping him away?

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Apr-17 18:11:25

I wouldn't let them anywhere near him or his nutcase girlfriend!

You need to block her from everything immediately. If he turns up at your house and causes trouble I'd call the police every time.

workingmumsarebad Thu 20-Apr-17 08:16:49

my first emotional instinct is to say no - but then the rational instinct says yes.

i think you need to engage with him but via the courts - access via a contact centre for a year, to assess how he progresses, does he actually turn up or are these requests more emotional abuse.

You need to demonstrate willingness to facilitate a relationship but protect your DCS at the same time - v hard - believe me I know. Permanent paste a smile on my face for many years.

As to your DCS calling your new DP - Dad - sorry no disagree with that completely. They have a Dad albeit from your account, a crap one. At some point they will want to know more and will need to figure out their own responses to their father.

Crap situation but use the courts to protect your children, but also as they get older, for them to realise you did not block contact and were willing to go the extra mile to protect them and see if they could have a relationship with their father.

Good Luck

workingmumsarebad Thu 20-Apr-17 08:17:58

Hopefully court will say - no way to contact and then your issues are simpler to execute, mentally and his reaction not so simple to deal with.

workingmumsarebad Thu 20-Apr-17 08:20:01

sorry emotional instinct says yes you are right
rational says no!

MaisyPops Thu 20-Apr-17 08:25:52

I'd go through court and arranged supervised access. Keep all evidence of the crazy girlfriend. He's probably such a waste of space that he won't turn up half the time. The only sad thing is that the children will be disappointed in the process of you trying to help. But nobody can say you haven't tried.

What I would say is that his 9 year old from a previous relationship might actually want to know their siblings (even if he may have planted the idea). I would bend over backwards to facilitate that in a supervised way. The kids didn't ask to be born into this.

Lottiebear84 Thu 20-Apr-17 08:52:01

Thanks for comments.

I didn't ask the kids to call my new partner dad.. they just decided to one day because he was like a daddy to them. Which he is. They stick his name on the end of daddy and know that 'john' is there dad.

I have tried to let him see the kids for so long.. for that year before we moved here had weekend access. Half the time he would cancel, or just not turn up to collect them. Once he had weekend access and I was supposed to drop off.. he had gone out and left the kids crying on his doorstep. Phone off. Turned out he had gone out drinking. When we moved i gave him access. He had them for the weeknd and he had some local druggie round. Off their faces and blasting music. Police were called and had to kick the door in. As you can imagine i was livid.
Then tried again last summer. He managed 6 Saturdays before he took them to his parents that I'd asked him not to do. Told the kids the police were going to take me and my partner away and that i was a bad mummy, followed by the threat from his new girlfriend when he dropped them off and more abuse. That's when i made the decision that we can't do this. I haven't got the strength to keep trying. I always wanted him to be a dad. Tried to help him be a dad. And all i get is abuse. I'm fed up of the drama. That's when i told him to take me to court if he wanted to see them because him and i cant be amicable. That was almost a year ago. In that year he's refused to pay. Made threats. Given me more abuse and let his girlfriend who i had never met try and intimidate when pregnant.
I honestly believe he won't fight for the kids.. he's never been that bothered in The past. Plus he wouldn't spend cash on it when he won't even pay maintanance. But that means I've got years to face of him turning up every 3 months and cashing trouble when he wants a bit of drama and each time i have to make sure the kids don't witness these outbreaks. I'd start proceedings myself but why should i? He won't show he really wants them.. it's all about getting one up on me coz i moved away and moved on. He can't control me anymore and he hates that.

Lottiebear84 Thu 20-Apr-17 09:06:04

Oh and as for the 9 year old sister..
I was quite friendly with her mother. We were Facebook friends and met once and had a day out at the beach. She told me stories of what he did to her. Almost identical. Drugs, violence etc. She slagged him off and told me he had messed her daughter up and she wished he wasn't her dad. I then found out she was running back to John and telling him everything about my life. What i was doing where i was going etc that i cut contact with her too. Always suspected through our relationship she still loved him and i believe she still does now and that's why she lets him treat her daughter badly too. Letting her down, planing her off and slagging off her mum to her. I just can't allow him to be that way with my babies.

I'm so close to making the decision to pack up and move somewhere he wouldn't find us. But why should i? The kids had a horrid first couple of years. Kicked out, living in a refuge etc, and since we moved away me and my partner have created a good life for them. They are both in school, settled. They have friends, they can speak two languages (we live in Wales) they are doing great in school and are very healthy and happy. I do the want to let him back into their lives to keep letting them down. As it only ever lasts a couple of months before he gets bored and cancels. I've always told him a court order would be the way forward as he would have to stick to it and not let them down. But as i say.. in a year I've not so much as had a letter from his solicitor. Just random texts every few months demanding i take them to him for the weekend and when i refuse i get abuse, he turns up kicking off then disappears again for months.

workingmumsarebad Thu 20-Apr-17 20:19:20

With that history I am sure a court will see it for what it is - if he fails ti turn up on court orders then he is done and dusted and you could ten possibly get a restraining order.

Until it is all official - then in theory you have been the blocker. Go to court get it official and your position is stronger in terms of telling him to eff off!

Seriously crap situation OP, I really feel for you.

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