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Does this court order sound fair to you?

(113 Posts)
TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:41:53

DP has 50/50 residency of his DD.

DP changed his DDs school in January due to no longer being able to afford private school fees (an occupation order stripped him of his home). After changing his daughter's school to a very good state school the court ordered that he must collect his daughter from school every day (3.15pm) and deliver her to her mother at 5.30pm as her mother does not drive (the school is a 20min bus ride away from her). This was said to be a temporary order to be reassessed in a court hearing in April.

The court hearing was today and the judge has decided that nothing will change. So essentially, we have SD every single day and cannot ever plan a weekday together as a couple. (We have her every other weekend too).

I am 22 weeks pregnant and was looking forward to our final months together as a couple before having a newborn. This has been well and truly shat on.

DP doesn't seem to care; I feel as though I am just a vessel to him - that he's not actually interested in the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I have no power in this scenario.

needsahalo Wed 19-Apr-17 15:45:23

He changed her school without consulting her mum?

If that's the case (perhaps I have misunderstood), I am not surprised at the outcome. If the distance was a problem for non-driving mum, why not move her to a school nearer to her mum?

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 15:46:15

He changed her school? What did her mum think of that?

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 15:46:59

Also. How's he going to lift her from school every day? Doesn't he work?

endofthelinefinally Wed 19-Apr-17 15:49:38

Hmm. He just does what he feels like doesnt he?
Perhaps that is why his marriage broke up.
Do you really want to stay with him?
Sorry you are in this situation.

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:49:43

why not move her to a school nearer to her mum?

I wish he bloody would. I'm trying to persuade him to do so, but apparently the school his ex wants is very crap.

It's a mess tbh. I feel powerless, hormonal, and I don't know what to do.

chickenjalfrezi Wed 19-Apr-17 15:50:36

Although it's not a great situation re court order, you should have thought about having a child with a man who is a father if you wanted to have the last few months of pregnancy alone with him. That's totally selfish IMO.

I have a DD, a DSD full time and one on the way. We just enjoy what time we do get as a couple and I would never begrudge him spending time with his child.

Also, what's the issue if he's dropping her to her mum at 5.30?! You get the rest of the evening

AmysTiara Wed 19-Apr-17 15:52:02

You only have her for 2 hours every day right?

And every other weekend which is pretty standard surely.

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:53:15

Also. How's he going to lift her from school every day? Doesn't he work?

He does. Although his job is quite flexible, his performance has been suffering since this order was put in place in Jan. And obviously our relationship has also been deteriorating.

He changed her school? What did her mum think of that?

They've been bickering in court for months. She tries to move the DD to a different school.

Do you really want to stay with him?

If I wasn't pregnant, I'd have walked away months ago. This pregnancy has been utterly miserable tbh.

JellyWitch Wed 19-Apr-17 15:54:23

That's just parenting isn't it. She needs after school care so you provide it.

LookAtTheFlowersKerry Wed 19-Apr-17 15:54:35

You realise this is how he will treat you and your child?

I'd be packing my bags and getting far away before yours is born tbh. He sounds like a bully.

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:55:04

You only have her for 2 hours every day right?

We have 50/50 PLUS even on days which aren't ours, we have to drop whatever we're doing between 2.30 and 6pm for the school run/feed/taxi. It's denting both our time and financial resources.

PortiaCastis Wed 19-Apr-17 15:55:27

Oh that poor child

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:56:52

That's just parenting isn't it. She needs after school care so you provide it.

But surely on the mother's days, that is HER responsibility? She is after all claiming the CB and CTC despite DP doing more than half of the actual parenting.

You realise this is how he will treat you and your child?

Please, elaborate. I can't see the wood for the trees right now.

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 15:57:07

But he changed her school,to this school? He picked it?

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:58:14

But he changed her school,to this school? He picked it?

Yes, that is correct.

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 15:58:17

And whatKerry said. This is how he will treat you. If I was you I'd get out now and move far away before the baby is born and he can stop you

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 15:59:04

Well, if he picked it, and the other doesn't agree, why shouldn't he have to do the running ?

He sounds dictatorial and controlling and a headfuck.

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 16:00:21

*mother

Fat fingers

Underthemoonlight Wed 19-Apr-17 16:01:17

Poor kid. How long you been with him?

HmmOkay Wed 19-Apr-17 16:01:50

"We have 50/50 PLUS even on days which aren't ours, we have to drop whatever we're doing between 2.30 and 6pm for the school run/feed/taxi. It's denting both our time and financial resources."

It doesn't take two of you to pick her up, feed and drop her at her mum's. You don't have to do any of those things. It is his child. He should be doing them.

If he doesn't WANT to do them then he has to speak to the child's mother about a good solution to that. This really is nothing to do with you - do not get involved. Stand back and let him sort out the hassle. Perhaps he wouldn't have suggested this new school if he knew that he (rather than you) would be doing all the pickups every day.

WannaBe Wed 19-Apr-17 16:02:28

"even on days which aren't ours, we have to drop whatever we're doing between 2.30 and 6pm for the school run/feed/taxi. It's denting both our time and financial resources." my heart bleeds. He's her parent. Why shouldn't he have his child after school?

My ds comes home to me every day after school, even on days when he goes to his dad's later. Can just imagine the reaction if I posted that this fact was denting my time and financial resources.

Given that your partner unilaterally changed his daughter's school without her mother's input, being responsible for his daughter after school is the least he should be expected to do.

If that doesn't work for you then leave. But no sympathy here I'm afraid. Having children means being a parent full-time if you have to be. And getting involved with someone who has children means accepting that they may one day have to be full time parents to those children.

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:02:47

He is a major headfuck at times.

I feel like a spare part in this freak show, being dragged along for the drama. He doesn't seem to care how the stress is effecting me. I've been put on anti-depressants and my anxiety is sky-high.

Do I have any power in this situation? Just leaving?

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 16:04:05

If I was you I would go far away now. Now before the baby is born and he has any say in where you go.

usernumbernine Wed 19-Apr-17 16:05:58

And to answer your initial question. The court order sounds perfectly fine to me.

The judge was clearly thinking that he picked the school without any input from the child's mother so why shouldn't he have the hassle of the school pick up. Good for the judge I say. I'm guessing that judge has the measure of him and has seen folk like him before.

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