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How do you manage DC hobbies and contact weekends?

(8 Posts)
GaelicSiog Wed 19-Apr-17 09:38:24

Posted on another topic last night and hadn't noticed there was a step children section. How do you manage DC and SDC activities on contact weekends? This has turned into a huge issue this week and I'm interested in how others manage it.

Gogglerox Wed 19-Apr-17 09:59:56

I'm assuming your post is meaning your ExH won't take his kids to their activities on his time? My friend had the same issue as dad said it was his only time to spend with DC and so he's been continuously pressuring them to quit their dance and football weekend sessions. I honestly think it's a form of emotional abuse what he's doing, kids are so little and he pressures them with "Wouldn't you rather stay at home with daddy on Saturday mornings" it's out of order.
ExPs don't always seem to realise that mum does the same on her weekends as it benefits the kids, they enjoy it and want to do their hobbies.
Emphasise that Dad cheering them on and being encouraging of they're hobbies is important to the kids too.
Also it keeps the routine consistent between homes

GaelicSiog Wed 19-Apr-17 10:21:21

More or less Goggle, but suddenly prioritising resident DC over existing arrangements.

DD goes to ex's EOW Friday night-Sunday night. Ex and I split before she was born, Ex moved onto new wife F very quickly. I suspect there was some overlap there but I can't prove that. F has SDD1, SDD2 and SDS1 from a previous relationship, she left their dad for ex which has meant contact with him has been messy over the last few years. They now have a once a month Saturday afternoon to Sunday agreement. Ex and F then have SDTs together. So 6 kids, 5/6 of them there every Saturday morning, DD there EO Saturday morning. Since DD has had overnight contact with ex she's been going to an activity on Saturday mornings, which he takes her to, comes home and then spends the time with DS1 until he collects her. Only a 15 min drive. F takes her girls to another activity and takes the twins with her, usually takes them to soft play while they wait. SDS1 has now decided that he wants to start an activity 45 mins away from home in the opposite direction to DDs. So ex's solution is on contact weekends, DD skips her activity and makes an hour and a half round trip to watch SDS1 at his. DD isn't happy because this means she won't be able to do comps, and it means as the non resident child she will miss EOW whereas the others get to go every week. Ex has refused my suggestions so far to sort it fairly for all of them. First weekend of this is this weekend, DD wants to go to her dad's after her activity, so I can take her. Ex lost it over that suggestion. He will only accept me driving over with her on Friday night (half an hour between the two houses) then picking her up Saturday morning, taking her to her activity and dropping her back at his after. I'm willing to do that this weekend for DD while we come up with a better solution, but it's not becoming a permanent arrangement.

Gogglerox Wed 19-Apr-17 10:41:08

Your Ex is a dick to put it bluntly.
Existing activities take precedent over new ones in my opinion. My daughter does dancing on a sat morning, if my son wants to take up a hobby it will only be if it doesn't affect this pre-existing commitment my daughter has as it wouldn't be fair to just stop hers to allow his.

I would say unless your Ex is willing to treat the kids equally and enable her to continue her activity then she will be staying with you on Friday nights and you'll happily drop her off after the hobby.
If he doesn't like that then tough, he chose to change the status quo for the kids without a second thought for your DDs happiness.

GaelicSiog Wed 19-Apr-17 17:08:24

Part of the problem I think is that he thinks of his stepson as a bio DC, which DD understandably does not, but that's a separate issue. It's interesting to see how other blended families manage it- or don't manage it.

He's today threatened to go back to court and push for 50/50, which I don't believe is what he actually wants. I do think he might get it based on the agreement he managed to pull off last time, but I don't believe he really wants it. It doesn't get any easier, does it?

Gogglerox Wed 19-Apr-17 22:04:53

It doesn't matter whether the child is his biologically or not, he already had a long standing commitment to his daughter and it's unfair to take that away from her to allow another child to start a new hobby.

Gogglerox Wed 19-Apr-17 22:06:04

And I hope it does get better for you xx

newfor2017 Wed 26-Apr-17 09:18:50

DH has 50:50 for his DD and we have an issue with Mum not wanting to take her to activities after school / at weekends. Even compulsory sports matches through school that are occasionally scheduled for weekends. It's difficult because each parent feels they have a right to do what they see as appropriate with DSD in 'their' time which actually I do get but I also think it's very wrong when that takes precedence over a child's needs and to a certain extent, wants.
I was annoyed especially about the school-related stuff because I'm contributing to DSD's school fees and I felt that DSD wasn't getting the most out of school in her Mum's time as she wasn't doing the activities that her friends where doing and on occasion she was even refusing to let her go on school trips that finished later than the usual pick up time, and playdates / parties were usually a 'no' too.
We ended up having a lengthy 'discussion' and I said I wasn't prepared to contribute to the fees any longer unless Mum started doing what I viewed as 'her bit' and allowing DSD to make the most of the opportunity expensive education we're paying for. She isn't contributing to the fees so I felt given that I was working to help with the fees and she wasn't, the least she could do was some of the legwork. Things were better for a while but we've ended up slipping back into a situation where if anything is happening on Mum's time, it's become our responsibility. Mum will now allow her to go to anything but we have to do all the driving and provide any equipment and snacks required. It's hard not to feel huge resentment. DSD is the type of kid who wants to do every activity going, she's bright, energetic and hugely social. I do know at least that as soon as she's able, she'll happily jump on public transport to get herself to these things and I don't think Mum will object to that thank God.
Sorry OP I've completely hijacked your post but I wanted to say I think you're being incredibly calm about it, I'd be bloody livid in your shoes and I really feel for your DD flowers I think you're right - it doesn't get easier!

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