Who is out of order here?

[Dollyparton3]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible. 3 things in the space of one evening majorly hacked me off on Saturday:-

We had a big Family BBQ, got gourmet burgers for DSS and DSD (not the cheap stuff, all the toppings, pulled pork etc) and a couple of their friends who they had over in the afternoon. No special occasion for anyone, just wanted a nice family day.

Just before stepkids friends were about to arrive, OH was being helped by his dad to do a bit of DIY that we wanted to do before everyone got there, I was in the kitchen with his mum sorting out food, I overhear the following "DAD, what is wrong with you? WHEN I SPEAK I EXPECT YOU TO ANSWER ME, I DONT CARE IF YOU'RE BUSY, YOU'RE JUST RUDE." this goes on "It would be courteous of you to answer when I speak rather than tell me to shutup"

Now at this point I should add, all DH had said was "can you just hold on a second please darling as Grandpops and I need to get this sorted before people arrive, I'll talk to you in a second." He hadn't told her to shut up, I'd heard both sides and this is pretty much a transcription.

Fast forward to a couple of hours later, we cook and serve all the teen's food first, then we made the adults food - lamb that someone else had bought and a few salads.

As we sit down to dinner, DSD walks in and says to my OH "that's out of order, you've got better food than us, you never told me you had all that, can't believe you palmed me off with the shitty kids food. give me some of that"

So other half explains that she was fed at the same time as her friends so she can wait to see if there is any left after we've all eaten if she wants some"

DSD screams out "NO! you can give me some of yours, you're so out of order not telling me you've got that, you're just so bloody selfish saving all of that for yourself"

A few hours later and a couple of more gins for me because I'm about to blow my top, DSS is messing around on his bike and catches DSD's toe as he spins round in the street. DSD comes back into the house, OH gets her a plaster. She disappears upstairs. 10 mins she returns downstairs saying "I took the plaster off because it was annoying me by the way"

OH:- but your foot is still bleeding
DSD: yeah, I can't help it
OH: so have you got blood upstairs on the carpet
DSD: probably - I can't help it can I? It's not my fault my bro ran over my foot - stop having a fit about it

As I watched OH walk off with a bottle of 1001 carpet cleaner and a cloth up the stairs I had to leave the room and sit in the garden to calm down.

Eventually I went to bed early at 10Pm as I couldn't bear to be around her any longer. Or him for that matter (lets not reserve the fury for the stepchild) I think it was the drops of blood that had been left by both of them on the bathroom floor that I'd properly scrubbed that morning to make it spotless for our guests that made it worse!

The next morning I told OH exactly what I though of him for allowing his daughter to speak like that, he agreed but his daughter has been so out of order to him so many times that he's worried about standing up to her in case she stops visiting again. (she has a habit of manipulating both mum and dad. )

So, who is out of order here?

1. the daughter for being repeatedly rude and disrespectful
   
2. the dad for not putting her firmly in her place
   
3. me for not telling both of them to get over it and be pleasant to each other and her to be respectful to her elders (we've talked about this before by the way but I get too annoyed to keep my cool with either of them)
   
4. Grandparents who are innocent bystanders but then said "she just wants some attention" when I looked at them and said "seriously?" the first time DSD kicked off. They then told OH the same. This makes me think it's me who is out of order hence me asking.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

My god your DSD is a brat and your OH is a doormat.

So 1, 2 and 4. How old is DSD? She may want some attention but that doesn't mean she should get it for being an ungrateful entitled pain in the bloody arse.

She wasn't specifically rude to you, yes the blood on the floors is annoying but your OH should be responsible for cleaning it up if he's didn't make her do it, so I wouldn't have got involved and think you're right not to have.

If your OH keeps being weak and pathetic about his daughter growing into a monster I don't think there's much you can do though, sorry.

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks Anne, I was thinking the same but it never goes down well on here if the OP says it out loud!

She's 16, and I agree with everything you're saying! It annoyed me more that she spoke to him like this in front of a room full of adults, I would have been sent to bed at 2pm or worse for doing that at her age.

[drwitch]

Did you ask the step kids whether they wanted to eat with you or not? - I know you thought that would prefer to eat with their friends but to teenagers being treated like a child is a big red flag and to step children being excluded from the main event might also be a bit hurting. I am not excusing them but trying to see why they might react in this way

[Wallywobbles]

Are they always this much fun? Fortunately DH is a stickler fir manners. In your shoes I'd be laying some ground rules and hoping she disappeared back to her mothers. Who probably doesn't want her either.

[Dollyparton3]

To be fair, no we didn't but we started all of their food first as they were all saying they were hungry. We told all of them what they had but DSD was staring at her phone at the time so didn't comment.

Normally it's not so much of a segregated meal arrangement but DSS had put a request in for that type of food again last time we cooked it for them all, so this time we bought a few extras so that it felt a bit more like a GBK style burger.

I get your point though, if we'd done it the other way around we still would have been in the wrong in DSD's eyes

[Theresnonamesleft]

To be fair if I was palmed off with a burger, regardless of how gourmet it was and others where eating lamb and salad I wouldn't be happy either.
There should have been enough meat and burgers for everyone. What if an adult preferred a burger to some lamb?

[Wallywobbles]

But the op didn't get the lamb so not her fault I'd have thought

[Theresnonamesleft]

But who hosts a BBQ and provides only burgers?
Did the op know the friend was providing lamb and only enough for the adults?

[Dollyparton3]

No the adult friends bought the lamb with them, we also had some chicken and ribs on standby but didn't need to cook it as there was so much. (Our friend bought a LOT of lamb)

But with the size of the BBQ we have we normally cook in batches and leave whatever's not eaten straight away in the oven on a low heat. The kids wolfed more than enough in one go and came back for second helpings so we only had the lamb left by the time we sat down to eat. By that time the majority of the kids said they didn't want anything else to eat.

It's not her appetite I'm annoyed at, it's the tone used in front of everyone else that annoys me.

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

Most teenagers (whether they're your own or someone else's) can be self obsessed and brattish at times

HTH!

[usernumbernine]

The different food would piss me off to be fair.

The rest of it sounds like attitude. But I would be raging at the different food.

That's the sort of thing my ex's family used to do and it drove me up the wall. You should have all shared everything and not had separate food for the teens.

Attitude and tone is a common bone of contention when dealing with teens. Your DP cleaned up the blood, he was the one who dealt with her re the speaking to him when he was doing something.

Why are you so annoyed at it all? Can't you step back and let him deal with it?

[swingofthings]

Sometimes I thank God that I was born with no patience! If my kids dare to act 'teenage-like' and speak to me this way, I'll tell them in no certain way that if they're not happy, they are welcome to and see if they can get it better this way. No such thing as calling them 'sweetheart'!

He has a point about worrying that she might refuse to see him again if he doesn't challenge her on her attitude, but frankly, I would rather take that risk then being treated like dirt.

[swingofthings]

By the way, he should consider that she is making it a game, that deep inside, she has little respect for him for not challenging her and that if she screamed outrage if he did, that deep inside, she would actually look up to him for having finally stood up for himself.

[2014newme]

I wouldn't have given the kids different food, burgers are a cheap option even the more 'expensive" ones with toppings ate still the cheapest end of meat. She felt like a second class citizen.
That said the blood on the carpet would have annoyed me.

[Theresnonamesleft]

Also what happened to the child that ran her over?

[usernumbernine]

Also, and I know this is mumsnet and I know it is central, but drink a bit less of the couple more gins and you won't get so annoyed - alcohol doesn't help in those kind of situations.

[Gogglerox]

I hear you, my SCs are bratty in the same way and extremely disrespectful/ rude to their dad and mother but funnily enough not to me. It used to piss me off and at first I used to get annoyed with my DP for allowing them to behave like they do towards him.
But then one day I just thought "Not my monkeys, not my circus" and decided for my own sanity that I would just leave DP to it.
If they are rude to me or our guests I immediately deal with it - as I would to anyone in my home, including my own kids.
However when it comes to THEIR family i.e. Mum, dad, grandparents and aunts/uncles I came to the conclusion that they should be pulling them up on their attitude when it's directed at them.
I never get more than the occasional huff off any of our children because in eldest SDs own words "Don't mess with SM, she won't put up with it"
All I do is make sure my own kids are respectful and kind, and it's rubbing off on DP now because he's noticed the huge difference in his and mine DCs attitudes.
You are not wrong here, they all are. As annoying as it is, don't let it get to you unless it's directed at you personally - then feel free to stand up for yourself

[Crumbs1]

If that was one of mine I'd have picked up her plate and tipped the whole pile in the bin then told her she could help,herself to some leftovers once she'd apologised to a) her father for being rude b) you for being an ungrateful toe rag and c) her grandparents for embarrassing them. No apology =no food.

[Dollyparton3]

Thanks all, to clarify on the burger point, it was something that a friend had done at hers, and we'd done before and the teens all loved it and requested it again. They could have had exactly the same as we had. Just like they request Pizza on occasion in the winter and we make sure they get that too.

DSS who hit her foot apologised straight away and she was fine with it, she was walking into the drive with her head in her phone when it happened, neither of them were at fault.

Annoyingly a month ago we'd had the rug doctor on all the house's carpets so that's probably added to my misery.

It does annoy me to answer another poster because I don't like to have everyone sat there with a bad mood in the room. Maybe I'm overly sensitive in that respect but it's. It just her dad she's ruined the evening for, it's me too.

[usernumbernine]

Would you really have thrown her food in the bin because she got her foot run over by her brother? And because she was given second class food to start with and noticed and complained? And over an overheard conversation that the OP wasn't a part of?

Wow. I thought I was tough but that's how to totally alienate that girl.

I hope her brother was punished for being a dick on his bike and causing her an injury.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

It sounds to me as if your DP did step up but in a gentle way. He patiently and politely asked his DD to wait when she interrupted. Patiently explained the food issue. Patiently dealt with his son causing harm but hopefully told the boy off for being careless.

Rudeness is a red flag to me from my DS. When he comes back from his dad's - always rude and i react. I wonder if your step children are just finding things hard at the moment.

[usernumbernine]

It's not your place to pull your DSD up on how she speaks to her dad if he is happy with it and dealing with her. I think you have to let that go. And if you're going to let stuff like that annoy you to the point you are going to bed at 10am because you want everyone to be friends then that would totally rip my knitting. My mother used to do that and it's just martyr. Not everyone is happy all the time. Not everyone, especially teens, can always put on a face to company.

I can see her point on the food. I think she was justified in that - perhaps her tone wasn't the greatest, but her basic point I can see.
And the blood, well, that happens. I went upstairs at the weekend, having scrubbed this place from top to toe, to find a friend of DD who was staying over had had a period accident and left drops of blood on the floor. I cleaned it. Big deal.

[purpleprincess24]

If I'm reading this right ....

The OP had bought burgers, chicken and ribs for the BBQ for everyone

Teenagers were asked what they would like, they all said burgers and asked for seconds, so it wasn't 'cheap' food for the kids, they ate all the burgers and there were none left for the adults.

So, adults were left with chicken and ribs, however friend turned up with lamb, so the chicken and ribs were put in the freezer.

With a BBQ you often have to eat in shifts and when it's gone it's gone.

[Gogglerox]

Where does all this "second class" nonsense come from???
Firstly she is a CHILD, she is not entitled to anything. She was given lovely food of her initial choice, her parents were then provided an alternative by their friends which they ate after they are provided meals for the kids first.
She had no right to demand anything. Spoiled brat!!!
If my own child behaved like that her friends would have been asked to leave and she wouldn't have been offered another chance to have them over again until she'd apologised to everyone who witnessed her tantrum.
Sounds like you catered to the kids in a thoughtful kind way OP, tough titties if she decided she'd have preferred the lamb, it was offered to you adults by your friends.
If she'd have said "Oh that looks so nice I love lamb" she would have undoubtedly been offered some.
Demanding like that makes her a brat plain and simple