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Partner and step sons potentially moving in

(38 Posts)
Cafechocalatte Mon 17-Apr-17 21:48:39

I was looking for some advice as I think I'm having second thoughts about my partner and step sons moving in. Hopefully this won't be a long thread, but apologies in advance if it turns out to be just that.
I am a single mum to 4 children, 2 grown and 2 primary school age.
My partner has full time sons, their mother has passed. They are very close in age and are the same age as my eldest little one (if that makes sense).
My children see their dad every second weekend and they stay with my parents and my siblings often so I get a lot of child free time. My 2 oldest have work and an established group of friends so they are out often also.
My partner has very limited support for his children and therefore I have them very frequently.
I am a full time student so the weekends I don't have my youngest ones I tend to spend at home alone to recharge and to catch up on housework and studying etc.

My two eldest look to be moving out in the near future and the plan was to have partner and his children move in. However the nearer it becomes the more I'm thinking it might be a bad idea.
His boys are, admittedly by my partner, hard work. Their behaviour is bad and they act very young for their age. When they go shopping the jump about and carry on like toddlers which means they often get told off from shop staff. They are loud and incredibly boisterous. I know a lot of children are, so that's not a slight on them.
I'm not sure they have dealt with their mums death and as a result they are emotionally raw at times.

I worry about me giving up my child free time as when my kids would be away, I'd still have his. My partner and I parent very different and he seems to handle their behaviour by ignoring a lot of it, but I do struggle a lot. I have to bite my tongue as I don't, and rightly so, shouldn't discipline his children.
I also worry about my children as if the children moved in here it would change the atmosphere of my house completely.
My eldest two are not that keen on my partners children because they fight a lot and there are a lot of tears, fights, and arguments when they are here.
I just don't know what to do for the best.
I don't want to raise this with my partner as I don't want to come across like I don't like them. Individually they are lovely and I care for them a lot. I just can't handle them.

Their two grandmothers both refuse to look after them together and will only take one at a time due to their behaviour. They don't have friends outside of school so are never out or away with friends.
Am I unreasonable in finding them difficult and being reluctant to add them to my household?
Any advice from step mums or anyone else would be very appreciated.

If my partner had them only at weekends I'd have no hesitation in inviting them to move in, It just doesnt feel right having them move in when I have so many issues with them.

I haven't even said even remotely as much as I could but I don't want to come across as if I don't like the children as I genuinely do. Please don't flame me as I'm really stressed and worried about this

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Mon 17-Apr-17 22:18:09

I wouldnt proceed. Are your houses fairly close by?

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 17-Apr-17 22:44:43

You sound as though you like the dc but you know it will be a nightmare.

Don't do it. It's best for everyone that you don't do it in these circs.

It's too important for you to keep quiet about your worries. The stability of the dc is at stake.

Just tell your dp it isn't going to work.

ImperialBlether Mon 17-Apr-17 22:49:15

No way would I do that! You've had four children and it sounds as though you've done a great job with them. Your elder two are leaving but don't like his children - they won't want to come home. Disciplining his will be impossible.

Honestly, I can't think of one reason why you'd live with them.

ButteredCrumpetNow Mon 17-Apr-17 22:51:44

No way!! Sounds like hell.

wobblywonderwoman Mon 17-Apr-17 22:53:28

I wouldn't - no

You seem happy and you have raised four children

Two more won't be easy

Mupflup Tue 18-Apr-17 07:57:53

Not in a million years would I have them move in in the circumstances you've described. You have to put your own children first and it doesn't sound at all like it would be in their best interests.

juneau Tue 18-Apr-17 08:02:53

Don't let them move in! You'll be free childcare for these two additional DC and you'll never have any time to yourself - and all because of someone else's DC. There is nothing in this for you. Knock this idea on the head NOW! Those niggling parenting differences will be hell to live with and your own DC will feel pushed out. No, no, no, no no!

BigGreenOlives Tue 18-Apr-17 08:06:38

It sounds like a great set up for him & as if there is not much benefit for you. He gets a housekeeper/nanny & you get, well all I can think is live in boyfriend.

How long have you been together?

Garnethair Tue 18-Apr-17 08:14:05

Good grief no.

Beachturtle Tue 18-Apr-17 08:19:07

"My partner has very limited support for his children and therefore I have them very frequently." Why are you doing the childcare? What was he doing before you came along? I understand that as a widower his life with small dc will be pretty tough on the childcare front, but it shouldn't be up to you to pick up all the slack.

I wouldn't move them in. You will miss your space and resent being the childcare provider to kids you can't discipline.

ineedmoreLemonPledge Tue 18-Apr-17 08:38:14

Op I am about to have my partner move in with a well behaved Dc coming EW and I am worrying about my lack of free weekends.

Don't let yourself in for this. I think it will magnify the difference in parenting styles and drive a wedge between you as a couple. And it just seems to bring stress and no benefit to you.

He can't parent his children with structure because he possibly feels guilt that they've lost their mother and life has been hard enough. They, like you said, are acting out and he's not dealing with it.

Their OWN blood relatives won't even look after them without conditions!!!

No no no, don't do it!

Have you already discussed it with your DP?
It's pretty obvious that the behaviour is unacceptable in public and with family, he can't be in denial of that surely? Can they have counselling?

Cafechocalatte Tue 18-Apr-17 08:59:41

I should have said in the OP that I have them frequently when I am out with dp, as in everywhere we go they are there too. During school holidays, due to my own circumstances, I probably see them more than I see my own children and I hate that.
Should also add that they're pre-teens and still badly behaved, so not as if I can excuse them as being small children.
We have been together 2 years but known each other for 4. We live a 15 minute drive apart.
ineedmore I've not spoken to my dp about it as I don't want to hurt him by saying I don't want his children to live with me. He knows that I am a person who enjoys my own company and I love having my house to myself. Being a single mum to 4, I relish any free time! smile so at times I do wonder if dp is thinking more about what will be good for him, and not how it will affect me....
Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel a bit better knowing that it's not me being unreasonable as it's definitely a resounding "no" to them moving in.

Cafechocalatte Tue 18-Apr-17 09:02:59

ineedmore they had a bit of counselling after their mum died but that ended. His eldest son was in counselling until very recently though but he wasn't opening up and so was told they had done as much as they could. That child has also been through testing for autism, adhd etc but no diagnosis. He does behave very differently to other 12/13 year olds but I always put that down to his bereavement and the way he deals, or not, with it.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately Tue 18-Apr-17 09:05:31

You live fairly close together so you could continue the relationship if it makes you happy but not live together.

How do you feel about continuing as is? How do you think he would tact if that was your decision?

JustMyLuckUnfortunately Tue 18-Apr-17 09:06:07

Ps I don't think living together is in the best interests of you or your DC

Cafechocalatte Tue 18-Apr-17 09:12:38

I'm happy to continue how things are. I may sound bad but I've even been pulling back from seeing my dp recently as his dc just stress me out. I've had uni exams and stuff so I've spent more time in my own home with my own dc.
I just don't know how dp will take it, I think he will be gutted tbh, but don't think he would end the relationship. He is quite clingy with me and I think he would agree to living apart as long as I didn't end it.
Although I may be wrong, but if he ended it then I'd respect his decision.

JustSpeakSense Tue 18-Apr-17 09:16:23

I think moving in together may end your relationship (and would be very unsettling for his DC if the relationship ended and they all had to move out again)

Just be firm and explain you've given it a lot of thought and you'd like things to continue as they are, that you aren't ready to blend your families and have them move into your home yet.

babybels Tue 18-Apr-17 09:17:38

I can see it would be difficult for you if they moved in. How about if you or he moved closer to each other so you can walk to each other's houses easily? That would make you geographically closer but still with your own space? Just a thought.

Cafechocalatte Tue 18-Apr-17 09:18:48

Thank you. I do happen to agree with you justspeak that moving in could end our relationship.
I guess I'm just feeling bad because I was all for them moving in, but am definitely changing my mind. sad

Lolimax Tue 18-Apr-17 09:19:21

I'm a step mum. My 2 were older when (then) DP moved in. We had his son EOW and a night during the week. There's no way I could have coped with your circumstances OP. I also need my space and (now) DH accepts this. Good luck.

Cafechocalatte Tue 18-Apr-17 09:19:48

babybels his dc have been asking to move to my town a lot recently as that is where they go to school so that may not be a bad idea

expatinscotland Tue 18-Apr-17 09:19:48

'My eldest two are not that keen on my partners children because they fight a lot and there are a lot of tears, fights, and arguments when they are here.'

Why on EARTH are you even considering wrecking your children's lives by moving him and his kids in?! Give your head a wobble! He lives only 15 minutes away. You're more willing to fuck up your life and your children's lives rather than hurt his feelings? For real?

You don't even have to mention this! When your older children move out, you just carry on. He brings it up, you say, 'It doesn't work for me and my kids for me to be in a live-in relationship.' He doesn't like it, tough!

They are his children, he's the one who needs to do all the facilitating with doctors and counsellors.

STOP enabling this person at the expense of your life and your kids' lives, more importantly, since they have to put up with your decisions.

expatinscotland Tue 18-Apr-17 09:23:25

'Just be firm and explain you've given it a lot of thought and you'd like things to continue as they are, that you aren't ready to blend your families and have them move into your home yet.'

This, and seriously, fuck all this 'suggest he moves nearer' 'get his kids counselling', etc. He's an adult with two kids. He needs to do all this if he wants.

Never mind your relationship, your kids already suffer when his are there. They need to be put first because they're not adults who can say, 'This isn't working for me, I'm going to move out.'

Cafechocalatte Tue 18-Apr-17 09:27:01

expat thank you. I absolutely agree with you. It's harder to see things clearly when in the middle of it so I was looking for affirmation that I'm correct in not wanting them to move in.
I feel like a bitch for changing my mind, but I will not be having them move in.

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