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Sm2minions Thu 13-Apr-17 21:11:37

My youngest step son has told us everytime he comes over that he wants to live with us. He broke his heart tonight telling his dad that he just wants to live with us because he loves us. He has told his mum and step dad but they dont listen. She has residency, we cant afford a solicitor so we are really unsure what to do. He is 8 years old so unlikely the court would listen to him. This isnt a one off comment this is every time he comes over. We are so not sure what way to turn with this. She isn't approachable and will not allow him to come and live with us. confused

StrawberryJelly00 Thu 13-Apr-17 21:13:24

Have you asked him why he wants to live with you and not his mother?

Sm2minions Thu 13-Apr-17 21:24:27

Yes we have. Its the same answer every time. He went to bed crying tonight because he has to go back tomorrow. We have even explained that it wouldnt be the same as he would have to go to school and do homework etc. He says he will do that if he can live with us.

needsahalo Thu 13-Apr-17 21:30:39

I wouldn't allow an 8 year old to be making that kind of decision either. Does dad have concerns about mum's parenting?

RandomMess Thu 13-Apr-17 21:30:53

That's quite distressing sad

Has your DH spoken to the school? I would suggest he speaks to the head or if they have one home/school link worker and ask them if they could explore what is making DSS so upset/distressed. I would specifically ask them if they can help determine if there is a problem at Mum's house or whether he just doesn't like transitioning between 2 homes.

flowers

Sm2minions Thu 13-Apr-17 21:48:10

We know what the issue is. She allows him to make his own decisions in every other aspect of his life. He has told us that no one cares about him and no one listens to him. That he wants to live with us because we look after him properly.

RandomMess Thu 13-Apr-17 21:58:53

Please go to the school, they are independent, if they believe DSS is genuinely very unhappy at his Mum's it gives you the evidence to change things. It also means he is being listened to.

Sm2minions Thu 13-Apr-17 22:16:14

My husband has just said he will contact the school asap. We have told them before that this has been said but hopefully now they will listen to him properly. He said no one ever listens to him and he just wants to be with us.

needsahalo Thu 13-Apr-17 22:26:27

She allows him to make his own decisions in every other aspect of his life. He has told us that no one cares about him and no one listens to him

Surely letting him make his own decisions is listening to him?

Sm2minions Thu 13-Apr-17 22:45:04

This is my SS words not mine. I just wanted some advice as to where to go from here.

oleoleoleole Thu 13-Apr-17 22:55:00

Can you talk to his mum and step dad about him and reach agreement? I think you can't ignore hi and need to do whatever it takes to let him live with you.

Isthisusernamefree Fri 14-Apr-17 00:39:11

I feel for you OP, we're going through the exact same thing with DSS8. It's heartbreaking because he's so distressed but there's nothing we can do to help. I can see his mum's side, of course she doesn't want her son to live elsewhere, but it's so hard for his dad having to take him home when every weekend he tells us how much he wants to live here. Awful situation for everyone.

The only compromise we can think of is to ask for 50/50 for a while to see if that helps him. But OH has yet to discuss it with DSS's mum so not sure if that's even an option. We have SS 3 nights a week, 3 weeks on and 1 off at the moment.

Have you thought about 50/50? Would it be possible for you?

Sm2minions Fri 14-Apr-17 07:29:29

Unfortunately the mum is not approachable. She sees my ss as her property. She is extremely high conflict bordering narcissist. The only route I think is legal which unfortunately we just do not have the money for at the moment.

swingofthings Fri 14-Apr-17 08:16:37

How often is he with you? Could it be that he gets a lot of attention from you/his dad when he is with you and is making a direct comparison not realising that a lot of the rules he needs to abide to with his mum he would need to with you too if he lived there full time?

I'm not getting how the school comes into it. Is he unhappy at school? If so could it be that he thinks that the solution to get out of that school is to live with you.

I think exploring the issues is much more important at this stage than deciding that he should moved with you.

StrawberryJelly00 Fri 14-Apr-17 08:23:54

Agree with previous post, it must be heartbreaking.
I don't get how involving the school will help? Unless his behaviour has changed recently that they have observed.

Maybe try to increase your contact with him so that you are able to monitor him alot more

Unless you have some safeguarding concerns then court will not help you

Sm2minions Fri 14-Apr-17 08:55:26

He comes to us every other weekend at his request. He likes school, he has even worked out which school he could go to if he lived with us. We are actually more strict than his mum.

swingofthings Fri 14-Apr-17 12:21:55

He comes to us every other weekend at his request.
I thought this might the case. So all he knows is fun week-ends with you, regimented routine with his mum. Even if you are stricter, let's face it, week-ends are much more fun than week days! Could it be that he associates fun with you, chores and rules with mum and doesn't have the maturity to understand that if he lived with you, it would just be the other way around?

I'm still not clear what the issue is with school. Does he not like his current school. If that's the case, he could also associate living with you with going to another school.

mustresistwine Fri 14-Apr-17 19:35:27

I have an 8 year old dss and he used to tell his dad (my DP) that he wants to live here, cry about going back to his mums etc so I can sympathise! However, he also used to complain bitterly to his Mum & say similar about here so I wouldn't be too quick to judge what is really happening at his other home.. how do you respond when he says these things?

A lot of children seem to play parents off in this way & a lot of children find transitioning between homes difficult

We have 50/50 custody if that's relevant

Sm2minions Sat 15-Apr-17 09:52:24

This has been going on for the last 2 years. His older brother has said it but we know that he only does when he has been in trouble.
Its just so frustrating when he gets himself in a state and upset at bed time because of how he is feeling.

Sm2minions Sat 15-Apr-17 09:55:19

At his mums there is no routine or structure. We have that here. Even when she called 18 times this week not once did she ask to speak to the youngest and he picked up on it. This made him upset. Said his mum doesnt care about him. Again we reassured him.

RandomMess Sat 15-Apr-17 10:49:53

I suggested asking the school to get involved because DSS will speak more impartially to them. Rather than telling dad one thing, mum another.

Could it be that there is severe favouritism going on?

Sm2minions Sat 15-Apr-17 11:13:47

How do you mean favouritism?
The school have been amazing as we have regular meetings with them. The mum has tried to stop this as well. If she knows we have attended the school we end up being accused of all sorts.
The youngest has told the school he wants to live with us.

RandomMess Sat 15-Apr-17 11:25:38

Older DSS is happy and Mum keeps in touch with him. It implies he is favoured over the youngest?

Sm2minions Sat 15-Apr-17 11:53:24

Oh ok. I get what you mean now. The eldest is a mummy's boy. She has from day one manipulated him and she tells him everything. He knows the ins and outs of court and conversations had via email with my husband. She has a new partner and other children with him. Both ss are made to help with her other children. She can not cope and on a day when she sees fit she will take it out on my husband and send him emails about absolute noncence and make him out to be the bad one.

MrsJoyOdell Sat 15-Apr-17 12:17:43

I have an 8 year old dss and he used to tell his dad (my DP) that he wants to live here, cry about going back to his mums etc so I can sympathise! However, he also used to complain bitterly to his Mum & say similar about here so I wouldn't be too quick to judge what is really happening at his other home.. how do you respond when he says these things?

I was coming along to say this. I'm the RP but my son tells my ex that he hates home and he wants to live with him. Then once home he cries to me and tells me all the things that he hates/have upset him at his dad's: they don't play with him, SM is mean to him etc.
I think deep down he wants both parents together, as so many parents of separated parents do, but it's not an option. It's getting easier as he gets older, he's 10 now. Be sure that it's not something like this before contacting school etc, though I'm not sure what school would do.

Even if you could afford to go legal it's unlikely you'd get more than 50/50 as mum isn't abusive/neglectful, just different parenting style to you.

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