Starting to feel slightly resentful I need help!

[amiahorribleperson]

I do usually post under another name but felt like a name change for this. I was on this board quite a bit but came off a while ago because things got a bit... Ahem.... Nasty.

Anyway.

My ss (12) moved in with us a few months ago - he has a sister who we do not see through her own mothers choice. He moved in with us because he wasn't getting on with his mum or sister. We also have a 1yo ds.

I didn't really have a choice in the matter, though I think dp pretended I did. Had I of said 'no I never signed up to parenting your child full time' I don't think we'd be together to be honest.

Things have mostly been okay, but in all honestly he's starting to get on my nerves. I feel like a guest in my own house, and with dp working full time and me only part I feel like I'm doing most of the parenting which is absolutely not what i ever wanted (and call me naive) or what I ever thought would happen.

In general the things that get on my nerves are the fact he is incapable of getting himself up on a morning - at 12 my mum would be at work and it was up to me to get myself up and go to school, ss can't do this. Relies on me to wake him up (dp has left for work at this point). He doesn't give a shiny shit about school, because he's seen his mum, dad,uncles etc do the same and 'they're ok'. He doesn't listen, has been told 100 times to do simple things like put his washing in his basket and clean clothes away, he isn't asked to do any other chores and does not help around the house what so ever.

Him moving in was all a bit sudden and if I'm being honest I'd really planned this year for getting my shit together after having a baby, getting fit, sorting things out in the house, progressing at work and most of all having at least a week to relax (as much as you can with a baby) - it's always been the arrangement that he would go on holiday with his mum, and we would go on our own. His mum wouldn't let us take him on holiday anyway so this worked. But now obviously his mum doesn't really want anything to do with him - she sees him twice a week but usually goes out on a night out when she has him - she won't take him on holiday.

I've looked into us all going but it's way out of our price range, because we would have to go in school holidays, we have more outgoings Now and don't get a penny from his mum. To be honest I'm absolutely gutted, I feel like my ds is now missing out as well as ss because of all this. And I'm gutted for myself and oh because we haven't been abroad since 2014

Ss seems to think we have endless cash (because that's what his mums told him) when in reality we really, really haven't. He expects us to go abroad his year to where he wants to go, and do what he wants to do. Oh has explained that this isn't going to happen but I'm sick of hearing about fucking Croatia when I won't now have a holiday for probably the next five years.

I'm feeling really resentful about it, and I don't know how to cope. I know full well I'm an awful person and I'll get flamed for this post but I've had to post it because I have nobody else to speak to, nobody else really gets it because they're not step parents. I don't know what to do. I just feel like all my attention is constantly focused on ss and his behaviour that I don't get to live my own life, and my ds isn't getting my full attention or his dad's. I don't even think we'd of had a baby together if we knew this was going to happen.

Oh just doesn't seem to get it and thinks I just have a problem with ss, which yes in some respects I do because I find his not listening disrespectful and when my ds Is his age I will expect the same, in fact more, from him. He certainly won't be dictating holiday destinations and there will be consequences for not doing as he's told.

I just want to talk to someone with similar experiences and learn how to deal with this. It's starting to get me down really and I feel like a shit mum, shitter step mum.

[Underthemoonlight]

It's all about you op isn't it. Have you given the poor lad a second thought about the fact his own mother barely wants anything to do with him and she is at home with his sister when he's at your house. It sounds really bad to say but you have given him no thought that he maybe depressed about the situation. Kids at that age have no understanding about money and holidays. Your own DS isn't missing out he doesn't need constant holidays abroad what he needs and his brother is a stable family unit.. I never went abroad with my parents and I survived op.

I think you really need to stop thinking of you and your DS and see this from your DS perspective.

You also had a choice when you got with a man who had children from a previous relationship if the mother had passed away it would be up to your dh to care for his son as the main parent.

[MycatsaPirate]

It seems like neither of his parents have much to do with him and it's all fallen onto you, no wonder you are pissed off.

His dad needs to step up massively and sort out his son. That involves telling him that he needs to get up for school and get ready, he puts his washing in the basket or it doesn't get washed and to stop demanding stuff because he's fucking 12 and he has no place demanding holidays that aren't affordable.

You aren't a shit mum or step mum, you are a woman trying to juggle the needs of two kids. One of them is living with you because his own mum doesn't want him. That's actually really sad and I do feel sorry for him but it doesn't mean he can act like an arse.

He needs consequences for bad actions and rewards for good behaviour. You and his dad need to be on the same page. Talk to him, write it all down. Tell him how much you are struggling with coping with a pre-teen who has been literally dumped on you with his own parents seemingly doing very little.

[MycatsaPirate]

under That's harsh. She hasn't said she doesn't want him but the kids has TWO parents! Neither of them seem to be doing anything and it's all fallen on the OP. And before my own kids got to that age, I had no idea how to cope with 12 year olds. It's bloody hard.

You say the ops DH would have him full time. Well he's got him full time but doesn't seem to be bloody parenting. Why, oh why is it always down to the step mum to sort all this shit out?

It's his dad who should be sorting it.

[amiahorribleperson]

It's all about you op isn't it.

Do you know what? That's why I feel like I do because NOTHING is about me.

When was the last time I made what i wanted for tea? Before ss moved in because I meal plan exclusively around him and what I know he will eat.

When was the last time I came home, from work and I didn't either, tidy up after him, go find his washing slung around his room, or wash up all the shit he's used after he got home from school? Again, before he moved in.

We were really, really fucking skint when he moved in and like I say his mum doesn't give us a penny, what did I spend my last twenty quid on? Myself? My own son? No. His uniform, because his fucking mother kept half of it (for reasons unknown to me) and sent the shirts covered in pen that were grey. And may I add I paid for half the original uniform in the first place.

So excuse me if this post is about how I feel - like I said I feel like I need to talk about it because nobody in real life gives a shit how I feel.

[Underthemoonlight]

I don't think it is sorry, she talks about HER feelings HER DS but never in the post meantioned anything to do with her SS struggling to adjust and his feelings towards his mother. How on earth do you think he must feel that his own mother doesn't want him but op is moaning about holidays. He's still just a kid! I can't fathom how a step parent can not see their partners child as one of the family. My DH classes DS as one of the kids and is treated so I couldn't possibly be with him had that not been the case because not only did he open his heart to me he did it towards my son aswell.

[amiahorribleperson]

and the thing is, his mother hasn't passed away has she, she's alive and she's fucking useless.

I've never ever said a bad word about her to ss in fact I have defended her to him several times of late. I do feel sorry for him, of course I do. I feel awful he's ended up In this situation, I know how it feels to have a parent who would rather go out on the piss than spend 'their night' with you.

[amiahorribleperson]

under like I said EVERYTHING is about him in 'real life' everything.

We don't do things he doesn't want to do, we do things he does, we eat what he likes etc etc etc.

So excuse me for coming on mumsnet and trying to talk about myself for once.

Dunno why you've decided I don't see him as part of the family. Clearly I do or my life wouldnt revolve round him, would it?

[Underthemoonlight]

Stop putting the blame on the child ffs do you think he's particularly happy op really the fact he barely had a uniform and his mother send dirty ones over. How bloody embrassing for the kid. The poor sod has been rejected by his MOTHER! You maybe struggling but do not forget that there's a kid here who's mother sounds like she doesn't give a shit has tossed him a side and can properly equip him with basic clothing for school. You didn't have to spent your money on him you have a dp who's his dad but you did not throw it back in the kids face. You haven't got a DSs problem you have a dp problem.

[MovingtoParadise]

I think you're great. You didn't sign up for this and your dh isn't pulling his weight. You are doing ALL the parenting while his mum and dad get away with doing fuck all.

I'd have left by now.

[amiahorribleperson]

Sorry how have I thrown it in his face? And when have I blamed him for having a shit mother?

[amiahorribleperson]

Let's make this clear - I don't blame him for the fact he has a careless waste of space as a mum, and I don't blame him that his dad, my dp, isn't half as involved as I wish he was.

[QuiteLikely5]

You'll be saving csa costs?

The boy is there to stay accept it or ship out - this will save you all a lot of trouble/heart ache - two choices - pick one - problem solved

[Underthemoonlight]

No his mother hasn't passed away but you got with a Mam who had kids and if she had then he would be responsible. You clearly don't see him as part of the family you haven't addressed how upset and hurt he most likely feeling, the person that is the problem is your dp his father you need to take those issue with him.

My DH is a step father he would never begrude anything for DS if he needed it and would give him his last tenner.

[amiahorribleperson]

Csa payment reduced by £6 a week. So a little bit. Doesn't really make a dent in what we're spending. We're waiting for payments from his mum but I'm sure pigs will fly first.....

[amiahorribleperson]

under are you being deliberately goady?

I've literally just said I spent my last £20 on him, if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have.

[Underthemoonlight]

Your issues are with your dp you are blaming this lad here which I personally think is unacceptable. Have you thought he's depressed? Your an adult here it's not the child's fault any issues talk to your dh regarding behaviour and money instead of putting blame on him it's all in op.

[amiahorribleperson]

I know I've got to stay and accept it, it's not something to end a relationship over and cause everyone involved (including ss under) even more hurt.

I know he's likely to behave better as he gets older, and maybe he won't be as arsed about seeing his mum which will probably be better because he's always 10x worse behaved when he's seen her.

I'm just finding it hard, and wanted to talk about it.

[amiahorribleperson]

Under, please stop telling me I'm blaming the child when I really fucking quite clearly, am not.

[Underthemoonlight]

You begrudgingly spent it to matyr yourself ask your dp for the money. It's not this lads thought your skint is it. It's not his fault his mother is useless. You do have control over how you handle things and speaking to your dp and coming up with a better plan how to deal with things rather than becoming resentful of this situation.

[Pallisers]

Do you know what? That's why I feel like I do because NOTHING is about me.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to think like this. And I don't think it unreasonable for you to prioritise yourself sometimes too - maybe it would lessen the feelings of resentment.

He does sound fairly typical 12 year old in many ways - one of mine gets herself up, the other has to be yelled out of bed. One is relatively clean, the other 2 leave stuff where it lies.

So a few things strike me

1. Where is the boy's father in all this? If he expects you to get him up in the morning then he needs to be on board putting some systems in place/doing other stuff/doing the cleaning etc. he needs to step up and be a parent to this kid who sounds like he comes from a highly dysfunctional family on all sides.
   

1. Can your dh not get maintenance from his ex for his child?
   

1. Stop putting yourself last every time. Some evening just leave the stuff in the kitchen for your husband to clean up/deal with. Put your ss's clothes/stuff into his room - just chuck them in and leave him to deal with it. Cook what you want for tea. Otherwise your resentment will be overwhelming.
   

I do suspect you feel very unappreciated by your husband as well.

[amiahorribleperson]

Okay under you clearly know more about me than I do.

I spent it so he wouldn't look like a total scruff at school, and because uniform is a basic need.

Could have asked dp for it, but he hadn't been paid yet so would have been pointless.

But oh yes I spent it just to make a point, not because I am the only fucker looking after the boy.

[Underthemoonlight]

The fact hes worse after seeing his mother speaks volumes he's hurting op he most likely is going to be obnoxious he's testing boundaries I get that but surely you can see that you and your dp need to sort it out.

[Guitargirl]

You don't have to stay and accept it OP.

What do you want to do?

You could leave, that would force your DP to step up as he would then have sole care for his son. Have you presented it in these terms to him? Has he thought that might be a possibility? You sound totally trapped. But you're not. If it's intolerable, you CAN leave.

[Underthemoonlight]

Get it back off him when he get paid work out costing for things to be budgeted for on a monthly basis, I second getting maintenance if possible and maybe counselling for SS this is an enormous change in his life and I think this would help especially as he hits the teenager years.

[Pallisers]

I am the only fucker looking after the boy.

This is your problem. You can't control what his mother does but you can surely demand some parenting from your partner, his father.